Confessions of a confused raven
Hi everyone!
So, I guess I'm giving this a go. Here are some of the things that are on my mind. I'm happy for people to reply.
Feeling very anxious today. I hate anxious days. They don't happen very often anymore, but it's been a long few weeks.
I think I'm falling in love with my boyfriend but I'm worried he doesn't feel the same. Kinda scared to ask. I know I should. if the answer is no, it's better to get it now than later. But I can't quite bring myself to. But at the same time I don't think I can really invest into the relationship any more until I know that it goes both ways. But at the same time, we haven't been together that long. I know his previous relationship was crushing and I want to give him the time he needs to figure stuff out. So I don't want to rush to do anything. And I don't want to pressure him. Ah, I just don't know. I don't know what the best thing to do is and I'm just scared. Maybe I'm just unlovable.
Work is also kinda crap. I'm bored and don't have much interest in it, but gotta do it anyway. Sometimes I wonder if I have what it takes to make it as a scientist.
I want to help and support my boyfriend in his mental health struggles, but he doesn't seem to really want my help. Which is fair enough. Just makes me a bit sad. He's very... obsessed (for lack of a better word) with freedom and independence. Which I understand to some extent. I think some amount of independence in a relationship is important. But I think his comes from a place of fear due to past... baggage. And well... nothing I can really do about it. But I worry that he will never let me in. The hardest part is that the only way to really show him that I'm not here to shackle him or something, is to just let him go. that's hard. And I hate that stupid quote about loving something and letting it go more than ever. It's a dumb quote. Come @ me.
I'm also worried that someone I know will read this and figure out it's me. god, that would be mortifying.
Basically, I worry about everything today. I need to go punch some bags or something to let some of it out.
that's it for now I guess.
I haven't spoken to P since Wednesday. Not in a "we're not speaking" sort of way. Just... didn't happen. We usually always talk even if just a few minutes every day. Think yesterday was the first day we didn't since we've been dating. I usually try to make a point of at least asking him how his day was if we've not spoken that day, but yesterday, I wanted to see if he'd want to talk to me. Guess he didn't and that made me a bit sad. I've messaged him today but no reply yet. I was actually a bit anxious about it, worried that maybe something had happened to him. But I've seen he's been online today so that's a bit reassuring.
P and I had a good conversation yesterday, which was reassuring. I'm still trying to parse through everything and process my feelings on it, but I think I'm getting there. And as hard as it is, I think we're actually working to build a healthy relationship. I hope at least. I think this could be really good, if we manage it.
P has been more like himself the past couple of days. I think he's coming out of his flare-up. Which is a relief. I still have some doubts and insecurities that creep up on me. Part of it is my own fault. I see so many relationships falling apart (on here and around me irl) and I just wonder what chance do I have? It's annoying how only the negative seems to have an impact. Hearing or seeing good relationships doesn't reassure me much.
I just want to do this right. I want it to be healthy and strong and be a positive thing in both of our lives.
My motivation for work is basically non existent. 🙃 At the same time, I want to be productive. I want to see results. I just... I guess I no longer believe in what I'm doing. So I have no motivation to keep doing it besides that it's my job and I get paid for it. Which is weird, because when I was in uni and working as a cleaner, my motivation was that its my job and I get paid to do it. But I guess for the kind of work I do now, that just isn't enough. :/
@confusedRaven6140
Did you try keeping a reward system for yourself , if you will enjoy working for a week , you will give yourself a gift (....)?
@Skansly
How am I supposed to make myself enjoy working? It's not the kind of thing you can achieve if you just try hard enough. Either you enjoy something or you don't.
I'm bored. That's basically the whole reasoning behind this entry. It's Friday and I've finished most of what I was planning to do at work this week. I don't wanna start something new, because it's Friday and I'll just forget what I've done over the weekend and have to recap on Monday anyway. I suppose I could do some reading. That's technically part of my job too and there's never any shortage of stuff to read.
I'm considering asking for sickleave for a couple of months... feeling really burnt out. P suggested I should. I just can't seem to function properly anymore. I don't really want to have to go on sickleave... it feels like failing somehow. But I know I need it.
Speaking of P... ah I don't know if I wanna talk about P actually. I just... have doubts. About his feelings for me. But I'm too tired to talk about that.
@confusedRaven6140
Hi confusedRaven. I can't say anything useful about P. (If you knew anything about my romantic history, that would go without saying!) But I wanted to tell you that I think "confusedRaven" is a great name, and that work will always be there if you do decide to take some time off. And if you decide not to take the time off, or to dial back a little while you're working, that's cool too. No wrong answers with something like this, after all.
@reservedSkies9743
Thanks :D It's a fitting name as I'm confused and I like Ravens. XD
I just... have spent the past 10 years working towards a goal. And now I'm almost there. Taking a break now feels like failing. I know it's stupid and not true. But feelings often are.
Ah Yeah... my romance history is also a mess. 😂 That's why I'm so nervous about this one. I want it to work.
My friend is visiting me this week. I hadn't seen her in *years*. She's my oldest friend and more like a sister to me than anything. It was a bit awkward though to begin with. Our lives are so different and we have very little in common anymore. Made me a bit sad to realise. But I know that she loves me and I love her too. We did eventually get to talking and ended up talking late into the night about our families and partners. I kinda feel a little bit raw after that. Like it was nice to tell someone how I felt and about my insecurities... but it also brought them all to the front of my mind. I feel so unsure and insecure in my relationship with P. It's like I'm sad in advance because I don't want it to end and I'm scared it might. 🙃
I'm in this weird mood where I want P to message me, but I also don't wanna talk to him. My friend is here so I know he's not gonna text me much cos he knows I'm busy. Ugh... I don't understand myself sometimes.
I'm also a bit annoyed with my friend. I haven't seen her in like... 5 years and she's spent most of today on her phone.
Didn't get much sleep last night so I think I'm just generally irritable. Blah.
I've contacted occupational health about my burnout asking what options I have. They've replied but I'm too nervous to check their reply. 🙃
I'm still feeling so sad about my friend with whome we've really drifted apart. We used to be so close and now she's been here for 3 days and I honestly can't wait for her to leave. I'm not really having fun and while it's nice to see her, I'm just so tired.
I'm also sad about P. I can't help but think that he doesn't love me and never will. I feel like he's slowly coming to that realisation himself and is gonna break up with me soon. I will need to talk to him about it once I come back from holiday. I really don't want to because I want to be with him. But I'd rather find out now than later when it will hurt even more.