Conversations

This thought has been consuming my consciencousness for many many moons and I am actually tired, of being used just to feel good and then just being ignored after that person has for all intent and purpose "had enough of me".

I have for the longest time started every conversation I've had in recent memory and it's tiring, not once has anyone actually sort me out to talk to, I do have friends in many timezones and understand the response time, but again that's not the consuming thought. I'm often caught in a conversation with myself that I am too much for people or they don't want me around because I talk to much I am to open and honest and unfiltered, which I am working on, but it's as though I don't interest them enough to even register that I'm around still, I usually turn my phone on airplane mode because I know people won't contact me, but I diodn't this weekend just to see if anything happens and to my unsurprised self nothing has happened on any platform or even text messages from those I know in real life.

Which then leads me down the thought line of "I'm invisible" which I knopw I'm not but it feels that I am, you know. So I then think I don't need a phone or internet because I'm not worthy, which I know is not true. So I've decided to look at new circles or what ever shape is created of friends, even if I'm hesitant because I know what could happen, so disconnecting from every social network and forum I belong to and changing my phone number so no one can find me and that I can start a new may seem drastic, most probably is, yet

Currently feeling that I am more invisible and unwanted than I ever have been has prompted me to reboot my entire life, if this is so wrong I have no idea honestly, to do so then I won't but then again having not used Facebook/Twitter/Tumblr/Imgur/Reddit/PoetryUnderground in effect since December 2015, no one will really notice I'm actually gone, now I didn't include Instagram because I used that last on Friday 26th August, but won't anymore because again I'm followed by ghosts and not feeling as included as I once was.

This may seem I'm down on myself but in actuality I'm just realising a great number of things in my life that were essentially as though I had blinkers on (the ones that horse's wear while racing). I may not matter to anyone I know to the same extent as they matter to me and it's OK to forget them, because they have forgotten me (there are a few I still want and need around) . It's also that I'm growing as a person and dealing with the deeply rooted inner self and traumas that have kept me withdrawn for so many years.

All this self discovery has happened in just over a year and adding to that I'm saving for a solo trip somewhere soon that is both going to test myself and of course my safety boundaries (which is the big sibling of comfort zone) allowing me to start totally new conversations!.

Thank you for reading this if you have and also haven't gotten lost between my thoughts that flip from one to another.

- Ink