Diary- Can anyone relate? Trapped in happiness.
I wish someone could just know, without me having to tell them. I wish someone could just understand, without me having to explain. Because i can't talk and i can't explain. Words would just get stuck in my throat and i'd feel silly and carelessly laugh it off.
My sadness is so secret it feels like it isn't even mine. I've started crying a lot, the last year or so. I don't really know why, it just happens. It's always silent, sometimes I can even just ignore it and continu doing what i'm doing while casual teardrops just roll over my face, othertimes it consumes me and i can only stare into space. I always have to be alone when i cry though, when i can't cry at home i ride my bike 30 mins to the dunes where i finally feel alone enough to cry. The moment i hear the front door open or another person comming close it's like my tears crawl back inside. They sting a little behind my eyes but i have no trouble smiling bright. It's almost impossible how fast my mood can change.
Sometimes i feel trapped in my own happiness. Around people I can't seem to express anything else, even if i wanted too.
I once tried to tell my mom i wasn't alright. We sat on the couch, I looked at her and just simply said: 'I'm feeling sad.'
But it was probably a combination of my big silly grin and the unlikelyness of me seriously being sad, that made my mom laugh. 'Why?' she asked. I shook my head knowing it was silly and i coudn't pull trough. 'I don't know' I laught. And that was that.
My feelings can't be shared and so i just have to keep them to myself. It makes me feel extremely lonely and isolated. It is a feeling of loneliness that is really hard to recognize since i have so many and close friends, but a loneliness that is there non the less.
When my friends and family shower me in love they often ask me how i can always be so happy, positive and chill. I can only smile and say thanks. That's a great reputation to have, and i'm happy with that. But sometimes i just wish that someone, just anyone in this world, knew about all the tears i've cried, the dark thoughts that have inhabited my mind and the havy stone that lies in the bottom of my stomach.
please if you experience something similar, respond <3
Powerful words. Yes, I feel like this is a very good description of me and what I go through.
Right now I'm struggling with something and am constantly on the verge of tears it seems like. But I don't think my co-workers are aware as I'm able to get out a witty comment or something when they are around and they all think it is just normal me. I think I've tried to drop a few hints in hopes that someone might reach out - but maybe they are too subtle.
Even if they did, I'm not sure I'd be able to open up even if I really, really wanted to. That happened to me in a previous relationship - I got to the point where I just shut down. Couldn't talk, couldn't cry, couldn't do anything but stare at the other person.
this is for everyone who's struggling!
I can finally say: I'm genuinely happy!
It is possible! It can be better!
It is so strange, and even stranger to remember how I used to feel. Everything used to be so hard, so exhausting. I felt like my time was slipping trough my fingers even though i'd waste my days laying in bed.
And now everything is different.
When I wake up in the morning I just get out of bed. It's not something I have to force myself to do, I just do it! I don't even think about it. I honestly didn't know life could feel this way. I know it sounds like such a silly small thing but it is a world of change.
nowadays I make my bed in the morning. It's a task that requires absolutely zero efford and at most 10 seconds but somehow, formerly, I could't bring myself to do it. I just couldn't. It wasn't worth my energy and I didn't see the point. Now I don't even think about it, I just do it.
I didn't think I could ever feel this way.
Nothing in my life changed exept for my mindset and it's the biggest change in the entire world! I had forgotten what it felt like to have energy, to not want to spent my day watching tv.
Now when I don't have anything to do and turn on the tv or open my computer I can't even remember what I used to do on there all day. It's an amazing feeling. I feel so liberated, so light. So @#$% happy!
To everyone out there, hold on!
It's unthinkeble when your mind is all fogged up so don't even try to imagine it, but I just need you to know: It can be better.
You can become happy.
Wow.
I don't know how to say what you just said. I have had that my entire life. I just want someone to see me. I look happy on the outside and around people, especially with my overeager looks. But sometimes i don't even try to hide it. And when i do, no one can tell. At least not most of the time. If they do, they don't try to help they just ask if I'm okay. And i can't say I'm not. I'm too scared to look bad. It's like i can only be miserable by myself to not be judged. But i want someone to see me sob myself to sleep and help. I want help. I just don't know how to ask for it without ruining how people treat me. So yes, i feel that. On a spiritual level.