Diary of a (weak) christian girl

In my country, the quarantine phase has lasted for so so long and there are many deaths and sick people .

The government decided not to be in a quarantine now but I still don't feel like going out ...

I don't want to make people think that Jesus Is bad or is responsible for the evilness in this world. But despite being a Christian girl and having Jesus, In this lonely time I have remembered many past trauma's ,like it still haunts me ... honestly I haven't really asked Jesus to take this out of me , just these days I started doing so, but there is so much work to completely heal me .

Most of the time I feel beautiful because I am learning to look at myself just like God does , but days like today I feel the ugliest ,I feel like a monster ,I don't know why (being fair with me I m not ugly but there is something evil that tells me the opposite and makes me cry and I have identify these voices (I don't have schizophrenia, btw) but I don't seem able to beat it but I trust Jesus will be fighting for me )

And when I think of me as a monster ,I remember my past , how some classmates bullied me

I don't hate them but there are wounds that seem not to be healed ...that's what annoys me ,the impact it had on me..

I hope people who read this won't judge me , or tell me this that I already know ,like "ohhhh you need to pray more ...that's why you are like that " ," ahh you need to forgive"

I find it very judgemental, I don't hate this people and I wish them the best despite everything ,I pray everyday .Its just the impact it had on me

But there are also positive things I left ,That I will never make someone feel down (or at least I will try so much not to do something wrong (we are imperfect after all)

I learned that our worth aren't based on looks and that there is a lot of inner beauty in some beings

I wish I could apply those words to me too

Many times I have told the Lord that I don't want to be in this world anymore and that I would prefer to be with him forever

I also ask for forgiveness for being too coward

I just feel lonely, I don't have any Christian friends and the ones who claim to be ones don't really talk to me, they already have their besties or friend groups where I don't fit in or they are judgemental Christians too ( I don't hate them but feels bad to be around them ,some of them make me feel guilty of things I don't do )

As for the nonbelievers, I have some people who claim to love me and said all could count on them but they also have their own besties and friend groups :)

Fine! I hope they can be happy!! ^^ but I just end up feeling more lonely ..

When I wasn't a Christian girl, I used to wear a special type of make up style and clothes

I was into punk too ,etc

So I kind of attracted these kind of people who liked it too ,but being a Christian girl now .. it makes me feel bad thinking they will eventually leave because I am not the person I used to be anymore

Although It would be too surprising , some ppl already left anyway....

But I end up being more lonely and without friends

I don't want to sound too negative but I sometimes wonder why did I born if I was going to suffer too much ...

But at least with Jesus I have a hope now... If I die,I'm going to heaven with Jesus ,my friend

I m trying to be more positive once again, but today I feel like I'm not making any difference...

Like I'm probably not as spiritual as those people who were in church once (due to Covid, the churches are closed now )

I feel like I don't wanna be around these people because I feel like im never making progress in Christians life

Like I wasn't chosen to get baptized by the pastor ,etc

I'm often disregarded and overlooked

Is that God's treatment??

Okay, fine ,I will carry my cross !!! I don't often do it with grace but please help me to do it

I feel like I'm a mix of Jeremiah and David

Jeremiah was a prophet known for being a cry baby 😂😂😂

I'm like that too hahah

But also like David ... I feel like deep inside God has a great plan for me and he absolutely loves me ,but the world overlook me and see me as the worst (exaggerating now) or at least I feel that

I feel like people don't really like me even at church

I'm often the quiet one and shy but people find it rude maybe ?? I don't know !!

The pastor's made hints like I'm not very social and that marked my heart

I actually would love to have real friends.... Non judgmental ones , who really care and gets me

I feel like I am even a burden on my family and that there is no point in talking with people because constantly I make pauses due to self care time so I won't talk too much

But people think I should be the clown or the entertainer or that I should be happy all the time

That's not true, I really wish not to worry again but feels like it's impossible...

Although God said everything is possible

But I'm just venting out ,he understands me

Many things written here won't make much sense, because I'm mostly writing it to Myself and Jesus

I don't know if there are christian people here ...mmm

Update:

I have been doing really well, somehow learned to manage my emotions ,I fixed my mind to feel happy and to be well, not to care about other people are thinking about me.

I learned that since I want to be young for a long time ,I don't need to stress out .I managed to do that, despite of the unfortunate events I could feel relaxed and at ease :)

I also continued doing exercise and eating cleaner (I already was eating clean before but I thought of cutting the unnecessary nonnutritive snacks to see what happens)

Im also drinking more water through the day and fruits :)

I felt super happier and started a more disciplined scheduled, I go to sleep early now despite everything.

I'm creating a clothing brand so I even started the procedure of registering it !

Everything was going well

But...

Last night my sister who unfortunately has a mental illness had a mental crisis :(

I started crying and feeling bad for her

Due to her illness she thought it was my fault that she was having hallucinations again...

Sadly there are no many things I can do for her

She doesn't allow me to help a lot :/

Please do not judge me.I always do my best ...

There are people in my family who judged me and my mother in the past, they think we are bad... We do a lot for her...

Sadly not to have any friends who I could trust and cheer up each other

But I just need to pick up myself and continue with my life :)

(Doesn't feel really good seeing other people having their best friends and group of friends but anyway ...:) )

Something