Documenting my journey

Today is August 11 2021 and the lesson I want to share is that it's okay to be weak. We are all incredibly weak and we need to accept that any of us can break at any point.

August 12 2021

Today I learned that healing is a non linear process. Even if you've healed a lot, you can still face challenges from the same damages. But that isn't a reason to give up. Each time you uncover a deeper layer of the wound and heal it again, you learn more, you grow more compassionate and increase your capacity to help others heal. One day we can heal the world.

Aug 14 2021

I've accidentally skipped a day again. Today would be my mother's birthday if she were alive. It's a pretty sad day. I'm not sure what I've learned. Just that if you love someone, you should let them know.

Aug 15 2021

Someone has read my diary and mentioned it's so short. It's not very personal or detailed. People may not glean enough from it, and I agree with that.

Today has been a very bad day, and it's reminded me of 2 of the worst days of my life, and I want to share a letter I've written about those days. Yes, I've written in the past, nearly a decade ago, but today, it's really something I want to remember and to share in case it might resonate with anyone out there who is too tired or who can't help the ones they love enough.

I’m so sorry.
We let you down. All of us. I am so sorry. Nothing can bring you back. That’s what we always seem to forget. Is that when someone is gone. Nothing can bring them back. And because of that, I let you down. I failed you as a friend and as a human being. It doesn’t matter how many times i had already pleaded with you, how many times you got irritated with me, and how many times we went back and forth on it, all that mattered was that i knew your life was in danger and that you needed someone to force you to go through what you didn’t want to face. I knew what it would take to save you. And i didn’t give you that. I came up short. And you deserved so much more. From every single person who knew you.
Every other effort is meaningless if it wasn’t the effort that saved your life. I am so sorry my friend. I am so so so sorry.
When i was at the lowest I’d ever been in my life, when i was finally there. ending my life because i just wanted rest, to have god take away all the pain, you were the only one who didn’t ask me to stay here. You said you couldn’t ask me to stay for your own comfort, and that if i was in that much pain and i had found no resolve for it, you understood and that you just wanted me to have peace. Because you understood. You were that tender of a heart, and that pained of one too.
You are a rare soul.
Yes. A soul. What you would endlessly debate that you didn’t have.... but are one of the finest ones i have known.
It’s no secret that you took offense to the idea of a god as a supreme being. It was the one debate i never let go with you. Because you were a champion of god without ever even knowing it. You lived in a way that gave true worship to god. You marveled at all life, found beauty in all of its forms and mysteries....you truly appreciated gods majesty and work in a way that i have not seen in another human being. You had wonder for life.
I remember sitting on the carpet underneath your bird sanctuary, with big chief chirping away as the sun came up, listening to you marvel about the intricacies of fossils, and thinking how beautiful your soul was. How refreshing it was to hear someone that was still able to find wonder for life. To appreciate the perfect miracle that we are...
god had become something you resented... because of the way man has perverted it so....but you were one of the truest examples of how god wants us to be. And god was an enormous fan of yours. Because you were such an enormous fan of his. Not of what man says he is. But of what god truly is. Life. The giver of life, and the protector of it when we fail to hold it in such reverence.
I’m so sorry friend. I am so so so sorry.
if there is ever someone who deserves to be in the kingdom of god, it is you.
I love you friend. And someday I’ll see you again.

Today is Aug 16 2021

I want to share why I became a listener on 7cups. When I was a kid, nobody ever listened to me hardly ever. I didn't have any family and I constantly felt like I was just in everyone's way. Nobody wanted me. And people just wanted me to shut up so they wouldn't have to deal with me. Being treated like that really affects us. It made me feel like I couldn't even listen to myself if I wanted to. I was dying inside until there was nobody left to listen to, or that's what I thought.

Then, one of my teachers actually listened to me. He really understand me. He didn't filter what I said through his own opinions or beliefs or even the school rules. He was only focused on me, and what I had to say deep down. Even though I couldn't even put it into words. He still heard me. That changed my life because he was able to then see what I really needed, help me get it, and I had a new life in me after that.

When he listened to me, he didn't even say anything. And he didn't do anything right away. He literally just listened. Anything else he could have said or done for me wouldn't have mattered if he hadn't taken those hours to actually listen. Other people were trying to "help" me all along, yes, but because they didn't listen to me first, it only ever hurt me.

And that's why I'm here to listen now. Because I know that it makes a difference. And that not everybody gets it enough.

LIstening is both harder than you think and easier than you think. You don't have to solve any problems. You don't have to say anything fancy. But you do have to set yourself aside. And you do have to feel the pain of the person you are listening to. And you do have to stay with them through it even when it gets uncomfortable. If you are in a mindset of listening, you'll automatically know how to respond, so in that regard it's easy. But to get in that mindset, that is where it is hard. To be willing to see the truth of someone when they can't even see it themselves.

I'm not always the best listener. I am not always in the right mindset. I still say the wrong things, I get distracted with my own thoughts and I try to problem solve for people without seeing them first. But to be reminded of why I started listening helps me remember how important it is and to dedicate my life to being what that teacher was for me. Really listening to the people who really need it.