Documenting my journey
I just saw that people are able to create diaries here, and I felt compelled to document what has been going on with me lately.
Now it nearing the end of the day November 10, 2019. On Monday November 4, 2019 I learned that I have a terminal brain tumor. Learning this information felt very surreal. Really, it explains why I have such bizarre health problems despite every effort to keep myself healthy. It also means that my time here is coming to an end.
I am just going to try to document each day from here on out. Even though I am pretty quiet here this community means a lot to me and is one of the only communities I have, so why not try to connect more when I can. Maybe something I write here will mean something to someone.
Today is Tuesday November 12.
I missed posting yesterday because I didn't feel well and looking at the screen would hurt my head. Today I had a therapy appointment and that's about it. I have a lot I want to say, but the words aren't coming out right and that's frustrating. I'll probably try to listen to some people here tonight as that always makes me feel like my life has some meaning. I'm very grateful for this community.
Today is Thursday Nov 14 in the evening. I went for a walk in the snow today and decided to make homemade pizza. I made the dough and am waiting for it to rise overnight. I will have to go to the store tomorrow to get the other ingredients. I felt very tired all day and my mood has been down. I got really disoriented a couple times today and I am frustrated that I can't remember so many things. At least if I keep writing here I can remember a little bit, but even yesterday I forgot to write here. I want to find other projects to occupy my time, but just knowing how much I will forget makes me not want to start.
@HannahPalm
I am so sorry to hear that Hannah, I will be reading your entries often. Wish you well x
@ellygurx Thank you!
Today is December 5, a Thursday. I don't really have much to say about what has been going on since I last updated. I have just been ill. I feel a little better today so I'm able to come online and maybe I will listen to some people.
It's been almost 2 years since I've updated this. I was supposed to be dead already by now, but I am not for some reason. I actually have more good days than I used to. I'm not sure how long life will keep going, but I'm trying to make something of it instead of wasting away. I still feel extremely weak and vulnerable and it feels like I'm living a whole second life in a way, starting from scratch. I hope I can learn all the lessons I am meant to learn before I run out of time.
I think I'm going to evolve my thread to share a small lesson I learned each day.
Today, Aug 5 2021, I learned the value of knowing and trusting yourself.
If you feel lost, looking outside for an answer will only get you more lost. You have to look within.
If you feel afraid, looking outside for reassurance will only disappoint you. You have to support yourself.
If you feel pain, looking outside for comfort will only hurt you more. You have to endure the pain.
But in knowing yourself, you cannot be delusional. You cannot limit your perspective so much that you fail to see reality for what it is. There is a real you, and there are the mechanisms that develop to defend, attack, and distract you from the real you. You have to learn how to decipher the real you from these mechanisms, and you have to trust the real you at all costs, no matter how much pain and fear it takes.
@HannahPalm
Hi Hannah! I am so glad I can get to meet you here, and I can feel through the screen how much of a strong person you are; how much of a giving person you are.
Don't think you are weak...all I see is strength from you. This lesson of trusting yourself is something I learned this week too; it does not help at all hearing constant reassurance from others because that's not YOUR voice and it won't go deep into your bones. I didn't know how common it would be to be delusional about yourself...I feel so conflicted with my whole being...but this week has been pretty good and solid.
I am extremely weak :x I am human
What a gem.
I've already skipped a day accidentally. Today is Aug 7 2021. I learned again today that you have to live from the bottom up. What is your body telling you? Know that first, and trust your instincts. Your head can help later, when you know and trust what your body needs.
Today is august 8 2021. I learned that pushing is a defense mechanism. If someone confronts you with weakness, use your strength to hold them, not to push them away. The tendency to push someone away is a sign that you are avoiding your own weakness. The antidote to weakness is holding, not pushing.
Aug 9 2021
Today I learned that control and routine can be a good thing. Doing the same thing every day for years. Becoming a true expert. Built one day at a time through self control.
Self - you decide
Control - the boundaries
Boundaries are best left to showing, not telling. You decide once, you show it every day. If you lack self control, people can tell, and you lose respect. But more importantly, without self control, you lose self respect.
August 10 2021
Today I learned that you don't know everything going through someone's mind, ever, even if you think you do.