Dreamy's Little Big Things
I see how other members are using this topic section and would like to join! I plan to update this thread with my personal outlet diary entries. Feel free to read, respond, and share yours if my entries somehow relates.
~To the little big things in my life ~
4.5.2023 ~ Grocery Store ~
Check out.
I saw the total amount of purchase and blurted out "oh, I wasn't expecting that much."
Cashier responded, "yea, the soups is $5."
I paused for a brief moment, "there's 3 packets in a pack so I guess they are worth it."
"If that's food for you, yea"
"yea."
I walked out to my car wondering what he meant. Was he judging me for purchasing dried miso soup pack on EBT? Maybe in his perspective, the miso soup wasn't food so buying it while I'm on EBT kind of spell me misusing the fund? Maybe I made this whole thing up, overthink and read too deep while he had no such opinion? One thing for sure, I didn't feel well. I felt wrong. I felt ashamed. Why? Because I know that miso soup is an appetizer. It is not the best option as it has little to no fibers and is not filling. I feel that as someone who is on EBT, I should buy only the essential and filling foods; and should not be buying luxury or side dish foods like miso soup.
I tried to comfort myself with thoughts of assurances:
- It's not like I buy it all the time. It has been a long time since I last bought miso soup.
- What's his business with what I choose to buy. Not everyone has the same eating style and preference. Who says I can't add more stuff to my miso soup and make it filling.
- Maybe I read too much into it and he meant nothing other than stating, if it is food to you then you got to buy it even if it is expensive.
- Why am I even butt hurt over this? Why does it matter? Did he hurt my pride if he meant what I thought he meant? Why should my pride be hurt anyway? Why am I basing my pride off how someone see/judge/think of me? Why can't I just be okay, regardless of what people say? Why must I get people's support or agreement? What does this say about me? Why am I reacting this way?
Sigh. Questions. Oh questions. I feel ashamed when I don't want to. This has to do with my own perspective of the EBT. Because EBT fund isn't my money that I earned, I feel a great responsibility to spend it wisely. I guess spending this on $5 miso soup is not very wise in my book but I still allow myself to do it this time.
...perhaps, I judge myself the hardest.
5.14.2023
I'm trying so hard to let go of my frustration at book characters. It mainly deals around the subject of cheating, hook ups, and causal date. I can't stand it when it is something the protagonist chooses to engage in. The frustration just...it plays again and again in my head. I try to let it go. I am honestly a shame of why I am feeling the way I am because it's not my choice neither my partner's choice.
Maybe I am trying to see this neutrally and to be tolerant of it. To even be accepting of it. I know it is wrong, but the fact that I am trying to understand why people do it, probably is why it puts me in this state of frustration.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just resentful. Yet I don't even envy any of the book characters. So I must just be confused n even if I know the right from wrong; my intent to find good in the wrong is driving me nuts.
@Mdreaming101
Often I know what is the right way to think, the right solution because the things that disturb my mind is not within my control - yet my emotion has a mind of its own.
I do not wish to control a real person. I cannot control any of their actions. Their choices are theirs. If it doesn't suit me, I can walk away even if it hurts. I can stop associating with this person. I don't have to like this person. Usually, I don't care what other people do. Not unless, they're my partner or family members. So why am I so upset and frustrated over the sexual choice of a book character? I'm gonna think on this more. I feel quite petty to demand this of a book character I didn't create.
@Mdreaming101
I think I have come to a realization. My book world has been disturb by frustration as I feel it was mirroring my real world. My book world was my heaven. It was where I found relief in the story of people who found friends, loves, and overcome life struggles. All the things I don't have. It is where all the good things happen.