Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav
Mdreaming101
1 10,817 M Pacing Forward 4
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts1,813 Forum posts276 Forum upvotes345 Current upvotes345 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2026 Member sinceMarch 30, 2021
Bio

Searching for my future. Scrolling. Clicking. Scanning. Quick reading. Writing. What did the data say? I’m screw.

Recent forum posts
Mdreaming101 profile picture
1 bad thing, then 2 - the snowball is getting better
General Support / by Mdreaming101
Last post
 May 2nd
...See more My car issue My laptop ascended to heaven Client reported a compliant my crew didn’t do Auto repair $$$$ and feeling like auto did not look at my car issue my laptop I ordered was cancelled by seller Another client reported a complaint my crew didn’t do too. I worry about my draining savings. This April snow ball is so big and so heavy, May can’t even melt. It’s alright, I tell myself. It’s a snowball. Snowball melt eventually. They become liquid and they flow away. In their path they would leave messy mud but it will dry. When the earth dries and the sun is high, new seeds will sprout. But the voice told me I must not stop worrying. How bad I am to try to calm down. I have to think of a solution. 24/7 I cannot stop worrying until a solution is found. I reason, some things are just out of my control. Excuse excuse it yelled back. Heh. I don’t even know what to call this voice. It speaks that I must be perfect. It tolerates no flaws. All mistakes made me unworthy and I, forever be undeserving. I will never be enough. Then why must I bother meeting its standard and do it bitting? because I have nothing worthy without it. That is not true and I know it. But it has been so long, it feels like me.
Mdreaming101 profile picture
Down the dran, one thing after another
General Support / by Mdreaming101
Last post
 April 17th
...See more It was my car not starting. The problem have not been solved. Now it was my laptop dying. I felt so dumb cause my laptop gave me chances to do back up. But each time, I just let it restart, kept editing my doc, watched it freeze, watched the error message, and repeat a total of 3 times before my laptop refused to start window again. Then it hit me hard, I was du-mb. I was given the chance to back up my documents, all of them. I was given enough time, n it slipped - no I let it slipped just like that. It’s overwhelming. My car. My lost data. My laptop. I don’t have enough $$$$. Maybe I wouldn’t be feeling so bad, if I did at least one thing right. At least one thing - if only I had not been du-mb and immediately responded to the error message screen with a quick back up with the following restart. Then even if my laptop left without a goodbye, I wouldn’t have feel so ***. Now I am beating myself up. Like I am not enough. Like I didn’t do anything right. Previously, now, or ever in the future. :(
Mdreaming101 profile picture
I am scared of tomorrow
General Support / by Mdreaming101
Last post
 March 31st
...See more Tomorrow is coming. I am scared. Why? I am afraid to face tomorrow. The things I don’t know. The things I can’t control. I cannot put this feeling entirely in words. This sense of lost, groundless - not being enough. Just one step away from the edge. Being tether there. Neither falling nor gaining safe ground. N I tell myself I hear you but there is no where to run. I can only face it and see what happens as is. I hear you. I know I am tired and weary. I wish things are better. I wish life would have given me better luck, a better pie. But that’s what they are - wishes. Do wishes, but never forget what you have. I hear you. I hear you. I feel it all. Even when you feel you - us, I - is not enough, I hear you.
Mdreaming101 profile picture
Wishing bad
General Support / by Mdreaming101
Last post
 February 4th
...See more I wanna wish well on everyone even the ones who I f-ing hate but the longer I live the more I understand I am just human, I am petty, and I can wish bad and will want to wish bad on some people. Overall, I am already pretty “good” on my personal view. I try to accommodate people. I understand that sometimes things just happen and people can make mistakes/just make bad choices in the moment - we are all just human - so I don’t ever spoke ill to people. But not everyone is the same as me, so Lord I am sorry but I will wish bad on some people and I wish very bad thing or things to happen to them. Please forgive me Lord, but my heart cannot be pure and good to those I feel are a-holes. I know my heart has bad and I hold on to this bad. I wish to stop thinking of such things as I wish to no longer give power to such a-holes and my bad thoughts. I feel very vulnerable. I understood it is okay to feel all the things I am feeling and to hate but I must not hold on to them so Lord help me to let go. I want to hold only your light in my heart and wish you will envelope me in your light. Amen.
Mdreaming101 profile picture
Lord tell me everything is gonna be alright
General Support / by Mdreaming101
Last post
 January 4th
...See more The sky looks so perfect but I feel the sky is falling. I am exhausted I am helpless I am scared My mind is spiraling out of control. Images of the worst thing happening. Feeling of how wrong I am. Hating myself for my lack of attention. The doom that could befall me. I need a word from God. One assurance. One candle in the dark. Something to tell me everything will be alright. That the wrong will be corrected. I pray, Lord watch over me. Cloak me in your light. Protect me from the shadows following me and the darkness that have nest over me. Guide me to your ladder so I may climb above the flood. Please teach me so I may build ladders and planks. Please bless me so I may find your people. For my wrongs. For all my flaws. For my mistakes. For when I know, but choose the wrong. Lord, I ask for forgiveness. Amen.
Mdreaming101 profile picture
If tough love can stop her
General Support / by Mdreaming101
Last post
 April 10th, 2025
...See more I feel bitter. Forgotten. Unappreciated from my little sister. I am scare I may lose her. My sister turned 18 last fall. 18!!! It was this year, she asked me, is it true that age is just a number and love can be found at any age? This spiral into a deep discussion and her telling me who told her this - it was a 36 years old man from outside the country n also asked for her picture after he asked and she confirmed she was 18. I told her to block him and she told me she already did. It would be a few weeks later when my brother came to me about her sneaky behavior and late phone usage, questioning and blaming me for not knowing what she’s up to. We argued. I defended myself, saying I wouldn’t know what she was up to if she didn’t choose to tell me and I didn’t know she was up late doing sneaky phone chat b/c duh I slept. I questioned her in February, asking if it was the same man. She jumped back and forth saying it was her male friend from school who had moved and then later saying it was some guy she knew from ***. Once I asked how old this person was - she said 36 - she didn’t have to tell me, I knew it was the same guy. She lied to me. The more I pushed her, the more she ignored me and insisted it was her choice. In March, she begin telling me she wanna travel because “that is just what writers do to get inspiration and so on.” By the middle of March, she said she wanna go to x country in June, the place where he’s is. Her claim was she was very interest in x country and has someone to take her around. I asked her a bunch of questions and concluded she was ill prepared and out of her mind. She isn’t just young, she’s jobless and does not comprehend the cost require. A few days later, I got ahold of her phone and found she had sent inappropriate pictures to this 36 years old predator. She was using an incognito mode whatever they call it on the *** so I couldn’t scroll up history but I can already tell he was most likely asking for nude picture from her last reply and her file medias history was the tale tale signs that she knew nothing about this man. I told my brother. Without telling her what we knew, he asked if she had sent any inappropriate pictures - no, she said. We confronted her and told her we know. I told her I knew she was lying because she show no interest in x country until now. I somehow got it out of her that it was he who asked her to go see him and she even kept the screenshot of him saying, you come here and no go back. We talked but her answer were, so you guys won’t visit me if I marry him? At the end of March, she was asking me about passport and if I would take her to submit it. It triggered a series of scolding from me. Here in April, she came asking me how many postal offices do we have in town. I didn’t know why she ask so I told her. Then she asked if I could take her. Confused I asked, what is she sending and to whom. The word passport came out weakly from her mouth. It triggered another series of lectures from me. Her response was, we can do a safety plan which I am pretty sure was something her therapist suggested since she began asking me again after she had her appointment. I told her, a safety plan isn’t gonna save her. She would be across the ocean in foreign land with language barrier and would be alone. A missing report is the only thing I can do if she stops texting me but by the time they find her if anything bad should go on, it would be too late as the damage would already be done. An hour later, she came to me again and asked for her bank information since she has been receiving my deceased father’s SSDI and the little money I save on the side for her. This ticked me off. I knew what she wants to do with it. So I told her, she’s not getting her bank information until high school is done. She said, she will just take me off her bank. So I lectured her that these are stuff I put aside and kept restricted for her college and expenses after high school. She is given pocket money that is what she will use for food and hang out with her friends. We have been very generous with her. She is very privileged. I n the siblings didn’t grow up with pocket money or saving from my parents. I scolded her that she is so unappreciative to even think of planning to take the money she didn’t work for, the money the family set aside for her, to spend it on a trip to see a man in his mid 30s knowing nothing about him. I told her straight up, I see issue and do not support their relationship. Age is not just a number in this case. It is not just his age alone, but his behaviors as well. He asks for inappropriate pictures. He encourages her to travel across the country to see him when she is 18!! He doesn’t share anything about his family social life. What little he told her, already says he’s financially struggling while he lives with his family n his brother also working. If two bread earners in the home and they can only afford a 1 bedroom apartment for 4 adults in the most expensive city in the country - this is not a situation I wanna see my sister walks into. My sister said he will save and she will work after marriage. I freak out, telling her, what job can she do in a country she doesn’t speak the language? A scammer? A prostit0te? She doesn’t even wanna go to work with me, how is she gonna handle hard labor? N there is him! He’s 36 and is just gonna start saving now?!!! He’s Muslim and the fact he’s talking to her is already a sin. My brother said it is Ramada or something. His Muslim friend said so. On top of all this, she had medical issue here and there daily or every other days. how is she gonna get care in x country? She is so shelter that she doesn’t even comprehend that medical treatment is gonna be $$$$ without our insurance n when I brought up international health insurance she doesn’t even understand it n think she won’t need it. OMG - it is so frustrating to tell her, u think u don’t need it until you do! Especially with her condition. At least now we got her to admit, she didn’t care much about the $$ because she plans to stay at his house. Red Flag!!!! In all my frustration I wonder what went wrong. What did I not instill in her that she would not see anything wrong with what is going on now. I stop trying to make reason with her and told her, if she really wants to go give it a year or two. Work and save up. If she still really wanna go in the next few years, then she can go when she is more mature, has some experience in social situations, and money. I hope this would stop her. Idk what else to do if this doesn’t. It was the same with my dad. I couldn’t stop him. When he came back, he was hospitalized and passed in 2024. my father is deceased. One brother is deceased. Now I feel I am about to lose a little sister. It tears my heart a part and she doesn’t see it.
Mdreaming101 profile picture
The scar that didn’t heal.
General Support / by Mdreaming101
Last post
 September 19th, 2024
...See more Today, my sister told me of how she didn’t have a group for a group project. She had a friend whom she thought she could group with from a different period since it was allowed but the friend told her sorry. I asked her why didn’t she go to the teacher? The teacher wanted them to do a group project so the teacher should have at least make sure everyone has a group. She told me, when the teacher introduce the project he gave them the option to find their group or continue working on a previous assignment. She said she had already ask another group to join them but they didn’t include her since they wanted their friend who wasn’t in attendance to join them. I advised her, she could have look around and ask another group or go to the teacher. She said she had waited for this one group to come back to ask if she can join them but they never came back to the classroom. At this point, I was quite upset and told her, she should not have waited but join whoever group is available or go to the teacher n explain she needs help finding a group. I advise her to talk or email her teacher whenever she struggle to find group. This is all too touchy for me because it reminds me of myself when I was in high school. I didn’t know many people and most of my class is just me and a bunch of strangers. I used to be quite happy when a classmate talk to me or greet me. I wasn’t very talkative n very, very introverted. I did not feel like I fit in. I did not feel wanted. Whenever it comes to group project, I felt very helpless. Everyone has someone. Everyone somehow end up in a favorable position even if they don’t have someone but I tend to always struggle and always is the odd one. The extra that wasn’t needed. I felt very ashamed of myself. I felt very lonely. I convinced myself, my true friends weren’t among these people. That they were a bunch of hypocrite parading inclusion when they don’t act it. Then I looked at myself and I accepted the fact I wasn’t very fun to be around. I was boring and I sucked at talking. The only friend I had in high school - well she ditched me the second her cousin got in high school. I was not bully but I feel very alone in a crowd of people. Even though I think my path was hard so I learn to be humbled and to find wisdom but this feeling and this shell never left me. Seeing my sister mirror my past in high school triggered me. It was like I was reliving it. If fate exist, I believe my fate doesn’t cross a lot of people as even in current days I couldn’t find friendships anywhere.
Mdreaming101 profile picture
daydreaming reflection
General Support / by Mdreaming101
Last post
 March 2nd, 2024
...See more Daydreaming is my coping mechanism that I become addict to, I don't want to let go. When I try, I feel a sense of crisis. This fear that I have tuck away in my closet begin to shake so bad I couldn't ignore it that I recall - I am afraid of humans, of other people, of their thoughts, and their words. I tell myself, other people don't matter but in truth, their thoughts, their words, their actions, weight so heavy in my mind. I ask why it matter so much, did I ever grow up? Will I always be this little lonely girl?  Chuckles. The little girl lived on the belief that one day, she will meet better people, be financially stable, find common friends, bond with a significant other, and together grow many little sprouts. Surely God won't forsake her. But she turns 30 and now wonder if this little girl ever grew up? Maybe the little girl just become better at lying to herself, believing in a false light. Everything she dreams, the passion, the faith - everything begin cracking n she knows she can't glue them back together. All she hopes for will never come and her dreams have already ended. What she is doing is the futile attempt to ignore reality, replaying loops of her daydream as time tick away. The more she hides the less she is able to face people and the less her confident is to function in life.  I am not only wither inside, I feel I cannot change my fate. 
Search more from @Mdreaming101
Talk to an expert therapist
I am a Licensed Professional Counselor. I have over 12 years of experience...
Talk to Ashley Now
Badges & Awards
39 total badges
Hand Shake Linked Quintet Super Active Bubbly Chief Chat Honest Voice Strong Start Reconnect First Post Reaching out Helping out Appreciated Voice Contributor Community Collaborator First Compassion Helpful heart Kindness personified Loving Soul Bundled Group Chimer Group Chatter Group Supporter Group Carer Group Healer Forum Companion Forum Helper Forum Buddy Forum Guide Supportive Smile Friendly Face Meet & Greet Teammate Group Friend Forum Friend Meaghan's Heart Strong Bond I Sharing Circle I
Report an issue