Early Venting
I just woke up hours earlier than normal.
It's partly because I have to share a bed, I think. Blankets frequently get stolen, someone snores, and there just isn't enough space on the king size bed for more than two people. Anytime someone rolls around in their sleep, sensitive sleepers like me will feel it.
... But I also find I often wake up feeling extremely thoughtful and excessively bothered. It is not rare for me to wake up having some sort of crisis, silently in my own head. Then, when others wake up, they don't know why I sound "grumpy".
Well, I'm "grumpy" because I have regular early morning crises, can't sleep comfortably in my own bed, and then I have to play my role for everyone once they've awakened regardless of how I actually feel.
Still, the worst part has to be waking up to a racing mind. I can't just exist with any peace anymore because my brain sees everything as an immense and regretful problem, but I can't fix these problems. If I could, well... I would have a long time ago.
What if he was right? What if I can never be made happy?
@BusyBird I am going to add some things...
What do I want? Sometimes I don't know if I know, or if I think I know.
I have feelings! Surprise, surprise. These feelings tell me something isn't right. They don't really spell it all out, though. Too much room for interpretation.
I gather I may want things I cannot have. If I cannot have them, why do they torment me? You'd think my brain would not waste the energy on something so futile.
@BusyBird But just how unrealistic are we talking? I think I am a very grounded person, but I get so... so "whimsical" about things. I am not too delusional... I hope.
I wouldn't necessarily believe anyone if they told me I was. I think it's more dangerous to trust someone if they ever even imply that I am crazy. That is how I try to avoid being gaslit: by being stubborn about my version of reality.
How else are we supposed to protect our minds? There can be room for second-guessing and doubt, but there must be equal footing. You can be right and be rude about it, but that will only make people more resistant to the truth. At least, I believe so. But no... such people display "riteous" anger, which leaves no room for argument when there really should be.
Ah. Forgive my rambling. I am veering off-track!
@BusyBird Wouldn't it just be the worst if I could only be satisfied by fantasy? You know... the one thing we can't actually have in the real world...
Perfect, ideal life with fantasy creatures and gods that exist without any need to question it, and maybe also a well-known life purpose. Sounds easy.
But no. In this world, we huddle in our homes like nervous creatures and complain about each other. That is not an attack, just... a sort of mourning of what I fear we lost, or worse— what we never had.
I know I don't do anything particularly cool with my life. Instead of traveling and fighting/riding dragons, I sit on my bum as often as I can get away with. Sure, I do work, but I don't get paid and I don't feel like it is respected at all.
Time is ticking and I don't have the energy to do anything about it.
@BusyBird It's gotten to where I've stopped making my own meals, and he makes me my breakfast and my morning drinks. That sounds good, right?
Well, it's a double-edged sword, I think. I can be lazier, yes. That can be nice. However, it is one of many small ways I am dependent. I no longer make my coffee the way I like, but I have no willpower to reject his. Especially since he will get all pouty if I don't take his offerings. As for the breakfast, it's... eh, fine. He's good at making eggs. It's just that I feel like I owe him my best because of all these little niceties.
What kind of person would I be if I'm being served breakfast and complaining about things to him? No. I'm supposed to take it all with a smile, even if I'm still not happy with him.
And I look all the more ungrateful and spoiled in the process if I don't keep that mask on.
@BusyBird Why is it I seem to always feel more down after chatting with my own boyfriend? Even if he doesn't say anything blatantly obviously rude, I never feel quite good after. I'm usually mentally drained, actually.
@BusyBird I mean, how am I supposed to focus on my homework when I'm drained? All I want to do now is vent or chat with someone until I either feel better or get too tired to care about myself for a bit.
It's catching up to me, you know.
@BusyBird Today, we had a chat about different gender experiences and pretty privilege. It's tough because he seems to hear me say things that I did not actually say, and he lets his perspective get in the way of having a non-biased chat just a little bit.
So, he can have his opinions and his experiences, but I must be careful how I phrase mine.