BusyBird Member Profile

College Counseling Anxiety/Complications

Student Support / by BusyBird

September 5th

...See more Hi all! Counseling, or any form of professional help, is stupidly complicated for me. So much so that I don't even know if I am the type of person they would want to help, and I feel extreme anxiety when I try to reach out. My whole life, I was basically treated like I did not have a hard enough life to receive it. I was sometimes told, in one way or another, that counselors, doctors, and therapists would not want to help me because other people have bigger problems. Well... one of my teachers this semester actually also works for counseling. I have been kind of emotionally spiraling lately, so in a moment of weakness, I reached out to her to get a feel for what counselors expect from me. She kind of helped, but she really wants to meet with me to talk about it. Since meeting (both in-call and in-person) is not simple for me, I asked if we could keep it in email (she said yes). But now I feel paralyzed. I admit, a call or a meeting would have been better. I just can't yet. But now I don't know how to proceed with the conversation, and I am scared. So much so I felt a sense of impending doom all of yesterday. I also repeatedly almost cried throughout the day. All my friends think I should do it. The only people that ever tell me I shouldn't have historically been my family and my relationship. So now I am both afraid of bothering people who cannot or will not want to help me, making me appear spoiled and pathetic, but I am also terrified of saying something that sounds bad and not being able to take it back. I'm about to try to gently test the waters with my boyfriend by reframing it as an opportunity to talk to someone about smaller issues like how I can change my own behaviors, but I haven't had my chance yet because he is very busy with his projects. He straight up does not hear me when I am speaking to him, and I do not want to push or raise my voice. I can't just ignore my teacher now after she was so nice as to humor me, and I also can't immediately jump on the chance to talk with her because of my communication difficulties. ... And I still don't know if counselors are there for people like me, or people with different/bigger/smaller issues. But yeah, my teacher really thinks I should give counseling a chance and she wants to help me do it.

Being Alive or Feeling Alive

20 & Over / by BusyBird

September 8th

...See more I don't think age necessarily matters in this case, but I certainly don't think it helps. I am going to be 28 in a couple of months. I know this is not unique to me at all, but I do think my circumstances and my life path have made this uniquely consistent with me. I'm just watching some guys on YouTube go and try out bankrupt theme parks and thinking, "Ohhhh how I wish I could be doing that too." These people live somewhere where the weather is wonderful, there are lots of trees, and the people seem pleasant. I am also pretty sure things there cost less than where I am. They get to have fun even when the theme park is a little rough around the edges. Everything has color and the sun isn't trying to burn them alive. Now, maybe I am a bit of a self-loather or perhaps I just pity myself too much, but I miss cool weather and fun colors. Everything here is hot, dry, yellow-washed from the sun, and overpriced. I have to stay indoors constantly. People can say, "Just go outside anyway." It's not that simple. Every time I go outside, I feel like I am gearing up to survive it. Cover your skin, stay away from people, don't make eye-contact. All so I can go... where? To Walmart? Some love Walmart for fun, but that ain't me. I want to go outside without so much anxiety and preparation. People may tell me, "Just move somewhere else then." It isn't so simple. If things were so simple, I wouldn't be here talking about it. I would have just done whatever I needed to fix it. I'm so tired all the time. I get sad a lot. I sometimes wonder if a different life would help. Does anyone relate?

Strong!!!

20 & Over / by BusyBird

September 9th

I did good?!

Relationship Stress / by BusyBird

August 22nd

...See more Hey guys! I'm writing this at like 1:00 AM but I had a rough patch about an hour ago with my boyfriend. But this time I actually did a good job handling it! He and his second girlfriend (it's a weird "poly" thing) were kind of provoking me. Making weird comments about me being sat on by her, and also teasing me for being on my phone chatting with friends. I was joking with them at first, but it was making me uncomfortable so eventually I tried to ignore them. Well, at some point I said "ew". Instantly they scowled. I ignored it because I didn't know what to do about it. I figured they mistook it (whether deliberately or not), and thought they would eventually forget it since it wasn't really a big deal, right? Well, I was wrong. After maybe 30 minutes, boyfriend starts talking to me but he was glaring and he had a monotone, grumpy voice. I realize he may have been laying it on thick to try to get me to ask what was wrong. Apparently he was so upset by me saying "ew", that he had to make it known that I messed up. I had to insist it wasn't even made toward them. He made me insist this multiple times. He did not believe I could have been saying "ew" to anything on my phone screen. But I remained calm and consistent. This can be very difficult. Luckily his other girlfriend had already left the room. She tends to make things worse when she's around for tense moments like these. She sides with him and then it becomes me against both of them. But hey, she went to bed so it was just him and I for the silly arguing. A couple of times I repeated a line he has told me multiple times throughout our relationship: "Don't make a problem when there is none." Or some variation of this exact line. He actually took that and told me I was trying to invalidate his feelings. I had to remind him that was a line he always told me when I was upset about something. Again, I remained calm. Even after I insisted on everything being fine, and the "ew" not necessarily being for them, he was mad. Trying to tell me I was forcing him to talk about these things. Of course, I was not trying to force a continued conversation about the issue. I'm not even the one who brought it up. But instead of arguing about who started what, I decided to just ask: "Do you want a hug?" He said things like, "only hug me if you want to," and "I won't ask you for a hug." Again, I insisted on something. I said, "I'm asking you if you want a hug." And wouldn't you know it? He actually stopped arguing over hugs and just said yes. So, I hugged him. Normally during these situations, he pushes harder and harder, and I lose my calm. But this time? I stayed calm and I knew just how to respond to most of what he said, and it actually worked! Now I have to hope the crippling weight of the dramatic and late hour doesn't cause me to suddenly start crying when I go to bed. I want sleep, and also they respond with annoyance when I cry at night. So... wish me luck. 😆

Numb

Journals & Diaries / by BusyBird

August 15th

Food For Thought 🤔 (Overworked vs Underworked)

Journals & Diaries / by BusyBird

August 12th

...See more Most frequent complaint I see from people is that they work too much. Of course, this is a completely valid issue. All work and no play is a line for a reason. You need time to experience life. I keep watching videos about it. They're everywhere. Obviously the issue isn't just overworking, but it stands out to me as often a part of the issue for the general population in some countries. As someone who has experienced both overworking and abundant free-time, as these seem to take turns in my life, I believe there is a balance... somewhere in there. Overworking can burn you out so fast! Especially if the work isn't personally fulfilling to you. For me, I'd say it took between a few months to a couple of years to get burnt out. That's a very short time period. Of course, that isn't taking into account other things that were happening at the time, but still. Those times between busy months are filled with a lot of nothing. It may sound like luxury. People think I am incredibly lucky during those periods of reduced responsibility, but the grass is always greener, my friends. The sudden drop of high-intensity stress to having nothing to put my energy into after, for example, a semester ends at college, is actually very difficult. Even with the work I have to do at home, it's just a lot to come back from. And the worst part? Every time a semester ends, I require more and more time to come back from that. My classes start soon. I had maybe 3 months off this time for summer. It wasn't enough. I am now faced with the reality that even the "rest period" is not truly rest. You can have minimal work, or almost no work at all, and still feel like you're healing from some sort of mental injury. And in the modern West, it is no secret that other outlets humans once enjoyed to heal or grow as a person are just gone now. What are we supposed to do for fun? It's no wonder many of us resort to curling up in bed, doomscrolling, and online shopping when we are tired. Which is often. We are often tired. It's hard for me to even explain it without sounding spoiled. People hear it as "Boo hoo my life is hard because I don't have enough to do." Makes it very difficult to talk about without triggering someone, even though it is not inherently triggering as a topic. They see me and think my life is easy because I have any off-time at all and different responsibilities that they cannot relate to. People who understand it think I work really, really hard. People who don't understand it think I'm living life on easy mode and still managing to complain about it. ... And maybe there is a little truth to both of those assumptions. It is hard to understand what is right anymore, even about me. I think the burnout might be part of the reason. I feel there is a connection here but, as I type, I feel I am also losing my grip on the original topic. So, I am going to stop here. Do you guys relate to any of this? Do you see my points? And do you disagree or agree with me?

Titles Are Hard (I'm Helpless and Incompetent)

Journals & Diaries / by BusyBird

August 10th

Fighting happens easy, he just refuses to admit it.

Relationship Stress / by BusyBird

August 7th

...See more I'm tired of getting into arguments just because I say something he disagrees with about myself. We just woke up and I was stressing because I have persistent heartburn every day, and it spiked up out of nowhere just now. He told me about his aches and pains, and why he doesn't get help from a doctor... And then it turned into how I can't say my heartburn is a "health issue" (but he refused to explain why). And when I told him why I even consider it a health issue, he devolved into raising his voice. In the end it turned into him telling me he was feeling attacked. Now I'm upset again. I hate it here sometimes. I wasn't even attacking him, I was defending my right to confront a problem with my body. And he gets to cool off in peace after all that because I can't handle continuing the conversation. ------------------------- When it's not about things like that, it's often about my coping habits. I get snapped at all the time for a biting problem I've had since I was maybe a 4th grader (nail biting and similar habits). I won't go into detail about that because I know it's gross... But he often tells me I'm gross for it, and makes fun of me by making emphasized mouth noises, and sometimes also raises his voice when he thinks he heard me do literally anything with my mouth during a stretch of silence. And I tried to tell him that that doesn't help me with the habits at all, but he insists that it actually does somehow help. So he refuses to stop. If I tell him it only contributes by triggering more stress, he argues harder. ------------------------- Later on he will tell me that we haven't fought in years, and that our relationship is doing so good. It just seems like a silly lie, but why would he lie about something so easy to debunk? Anyway, he's quickly back to behaving calmly around me. He says he wants to make some tea or coffee for us soon. I'm just patiently waiting for him to stop his gaming first so I can get my morning drink in peace.

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