Entry 18 -- depression sucks, but...

Heh, the title sounds funnier if you change the punctuation and add a certain letter at the end. I'm keeping it 😜

Without my meds, depression is kind of inevitable for me. My brain chemistry is such that it's going to happen -- and it did this past week. I could feel myself falling slowly into depression over the course of a few days and I knew there was only so much I could do about it. The events in Minneapolis pushed me into it more quickly than expected, especially with the response on social media (and from my friends on ***).

It was weird, though, because I could feel it happen but for once I was able to brace for it; honestly, I don't normally know when it's happening until I'm already in it. I was self-aware enough that I knew what was happening. I was extra patient with myself, I rested whenever I felt like I needed it, I talked with people when I needed to. I think in many other eras of my life, this depression could've been very bad -- but because I was self-aware and practiced loving kindness, I think I'mma be okay!

In the process, I've uncovered some strong negative feelings towards two people who have hurt me in the past 2+ years. When this has happened before, I try to be Madame Meditation, and try to extend kindness and forgiveness. That clearly hasn't been working though, since these feelings keep coming back. This time I am letting myself feel the negative feelings. Those feelings, oddly enough, are fueling me to try making some big changes! They're propelling me to do better!

I think I am writing this because I feel a little guilty I didn't come here when my depression was at its worst. Writing helps me process things, and having folks pop in and comment is nice too. It's nice to know that I'm not alone!

One last thing: this song (and animation, honestly) has been my hyperfixation: "Gravity" from Hazbin Hotel (preformed by Lute and Adam).