Entry 20 -- I learned something sad about my past
To start, I should clarify two things:
- I have learned recently that I've always been drawn to music that helps me express my emotions, even if only to myself.
- I always felt that my marriage started going downhill for me when we had kids. My ex started getting mean and withdrawing after our first was born.
About a month or so ago, I found a song that I used to listen to constantly. I wasn't feeling it at that moment, so I stashed it in a playlist to listen to later. A few days ago, I came across it again and decided to listen to it. I was playing games, as I often do, while listening. The song was about 2/3 of the way finished when I had to stop everything. Listening to the lyrics, something hit me like a ton of bricks. I had to stop to process it.
The song ("Landfill" by Daughter) has a line in it: "I want you so much/But I hate your guts"
That's how she made me feel. I wanted her to abandon me. Somewhere in my brain, I wanted to be her victim. I knew I would never leave her, so I wanted her to throw me away. Listening to it while writing this, and I'm crying. I can't believe I was ever that miserable. I thought I was content, at least, but she just made me feel like the most inconvenient part of her life while I was just trying to make things better.
In one form or another, I have been a part of an abusive relationship since I was a child: first my parents, then my significant others, and even a few friends. That's a lot for anyone, but I never thought I felt so worthless. I don't feel that way anymore, though, and that's amazing. I never thought I could be this happy. It's too bad that I needed to feel so miniscule for so long, but they say we go through what we need to.
If anyone is reading this, please remember to never dim your own light. You were born to burn bright, so make sure you shine!
