Entry 22 -- Stuck in Survival Mode

I was stuck in survival mode for most of my childhood. The past few months have felt the same, and it has been especially bad for the last few weeks. I am being asked to leave my current living situation, and that's really a scary prospect. I have little to no money so finding new housing sucks!

That said, I'm working my hardest to make it happen! I still have until the beginning of March, but it's stressful! I am looking at public housing, but the process isn't particularly transparent -- I don't know if I'll get in, or if I'm just on a waiting list somewhere. The prospect of being homeless again is terrifying! I don't want that to happen, so I am doing everything I possibly can! I am feeling survival mode especially hard this weekend, because there's not really anything I can do since offices are closed.

With all that said, I am also using this as an opportunity to work on calming my nervous system -- when I feel waves of panic or anxiety, I am stopping, taking deep breaths, and talking myself through it. If I find myself fixating on something I cannot change right now, I take the time to remind myself of all the progress I've made so far. Additionally, when I get stuck in a negative thought spiral, I'm learning to pause, root myself in the present, and remembering the things that are going well at that moment.

It's a lot. This is all a lot. But I'm trying! I am learning from all of these obstacles. And I've gained a greater support system since the last time I did this.

I guess I'm nervous, but I'm happy? That is what popped into my brain -- that I am happy. I think I actually might be! Anxious, sad, frustrated, confused too? Yeah, of course, but if I can be happy too, I'll take that 😊