Entry 28 -- A Slow Week is Okay, Right?

I mean, I think I know the answer, but sometimes I feel like I can't ever slow down. I think this is probably because, for most of my life, I have been in survival mode.

When I was a kid, my household was turbulent and unsafe. I never felt like I could let my guard down. I constantly had to read my parents. What's worse is that I didn't feel like I could tell anyone how I was feeling. So I kept to myself.

When I was the stay-at-home parent, I was always doing everything to take care of the kids. The divorce destroyed me, and I had to add trying to make money to survive. I was just trying frantically to pick up the pieces, make all the monies and be the best mom ever. 

Easy-peasy lemon squeezy, right? RIGHT?!?

It didn't work.

So now I'm not doing all of that (though not entirely by choice). I have time to think now. Plus I can breathe, and rest, and reflect. I'm not used to it yet. I had a crazy three days last weekend, and being able to take this week slowly doesn't feel right. I'm constantly having to remind myself that everything is okay, that I am doing fine.

I'm trying my hardest to let things happen as they do. But, a phrase I heard in a *** video recently keeps coming to mind: I am totally fine going with the flow, but could someone please tell me when the flow is?

Then again, in some ways it's like I have two brains: one is telling me all the reasons why everything is okay, and the other one is screaming that the world is burning down. Like, I know logically that all of this is okay, but that doesn't stop me from freaking out about every little thing.

Anyway, this post has been kind of all over the place. That kinda makes sense though, since that's how my week has been. So I guess the best thing to do is end this with another affirmation:

You are doing great, Lacy! You'll get there, just not today. That's okay. Just keep going, girl!

I need head pats. I always need head pats.