Entry 29 -- An update, and an open letter to my ex

To begin, I want to share a couple of high points from this week.

1. I have officially been on hormones 6 days as of today, and yesterday I got my first period since being off meds! This might seem like a down, but for me, period pain is affirming. Perhaps that's weird, but idc! YAY!
2. I feel incredibly accomplished! Monday, I released two videos AND posted 12 or so shorts to release in the coming weeks. Tuesday was rough (for the reason mentioned above), but I still managed to apply to 3 jobs and start a sample project for freelance work.

Now it's time for the dirty work. Since last night, I have had this pretend dialogue rattling around in my head (does anyone else ever get that?). I thought sleep would shoo it away, but instead I just dreamed about it. So I think I need to write it down, in hopes that I can process and move on. So here goes.

To Whom It May Concern:

You ruined me.

You took me for granted, and you forced me into situations I didn't want to be in. You took advantage of my kindness -- I took care of the kids, cooked, cleaned, even helped you with your work when you needed. I was there for you when we were together, and when we weren't. You convinced me to live with you after our separation, then kicked me out when I no longer suited you.

You tossed me into one of the worst economies our country has ever seen, and probably the worst job market too. As someone who is trans and has been off the job market for 7 years as a stay-at-home mom, that was a brutal, clubbing blow. And if that wasn't enough, you lied to me. Not tiny white lies, but big, saw blade-shaped ones. Ones that cut to the bone.

I'll never trust you again. We'll never be friends again. You might think that's my choice, but it's my protection.

You ruined me.

But in spite of that, I'm rebuilding those ruins. Now I know what materials to use, how high to build my walls, and who to let in. From fire and ashes, I'm building a castle to marvel at. You'll never see inside, but those who deserve me will.

I'm not thanking you. I'm telling you because despite you, I will keep going. I'll be the Mom I want to be (I know you hate that idea). I'll be the human the universe has been begging me to be. Because you burnt down the bridge between us, I am making my space inhabitable -- for me and anyone else deserving of my life force.

Anyhow, I hope your stupid *** is happy 😎

💖 Lacy

For anyone reading this, 7 Cups has been huge in my rebirth. Thank you! Here comes the next chapter.