Entry 4 -- I'm Tired

I just watched an episode of You're The Worst where Gretchen makes some really questionable choices fueled by her depression. At the end, they zoom in on her face as she is sobbing uncontrollably. Her boyfriend is walking with her, and he doesn't even notice: he just keeps babbling about whatever.

There have been so many people in my life who ask "How's it going?!" and I just think "Yeah, you don't want to hear that." Not because of what their reaction would be, but because I just don't think they'd care. I usually just say "I'm tired", but I don't even think it's true. I have so many things going on in my head at any given moment, but that's not the same as being tired.

I remember asking my dad once what it was like being in the Air Force, and he was shocked I would even ask. He told me some stories, and afterward I asked "Why don't you talk about this stuff more often?!" To which he responded "I used to. Honestly, people stopped listening so I stopped talking about it." I think maybe that's what I mean when I say "I'm tired" a lot of the time. I'm not physically or emotionally tired -- it's just that the person who asked me probably doesn't care. "I'm tired" is like a really quick way to say "It's complicated" (because, if I am honest, it almost always is) and get away with it.

I am fortunate enough to have a few people in my life who legitimately care about what's going on in my head and in my life. I'm trying to find more people like that. I want to share my life, and I want others who are willing to share too. I don't want to tell my story to a bored audience: I want to discuss the complexities of everyday life with people who feel just as complicated as I do!

I want to be seen. I want to be heard. I want community and love, just like everyone else. Maybe telling most people "I'm tired" is a cop-out -- it just really hurts to share something intricate with someone only to have them say something stupid with the hope that I won't elaborate anymore.