Entry 9 -- A really scary night... (TW: suicide)

Last weekend, I was in a really low spot. I was missing my kids, stuck indoors, injured and unable to work. I couldn't convince myself to do anything other than sit, so I just watched TV. Being a couch potato is not a comfortable state for me, though, and everything just piled on. I could not pull myself out of this dark hole I was sinking into.

I've also been slowly running out of my meds as I work on transitioning to new insurance. It was a really dark weekend. I haven't been suicidal in years, but something about Sunday night was the breaking point. I couldn't stop thinking "This is too hard, you don't have to do this anymore..."

It felt like I was standing on a ledge and hundreds of people were behind me chanting "Do it! Do it!" It was terrifying! I was nervous to even go to sleep for fear that I might do something while I was sleeping.

But I slept. The next day, things picked up a lot but I will never forget that moment.

I need to share this story, because I don't want to ignore that I have the capacity to be suicidal. I also want to point out that I have since put two separate crisis hotlines on my phone should that ever happen again (honestly I didn't even think about talking to someone until the next day).

If you're reading this, I want you to know I am doing okay right now, and I'm being safer now. If you feel this way too, please know that it was stupid for me not to reach out to anyone -- I somehow came out of it okay, but I could easily see a timeline where I didn't. Please reach out to someone! No matter what's happening, or what you think, there's always at least one person who cares that you are okay.

MUCH LOVE Y'ALL!

this time of year is soo stressful. please stay safe 🤗