Faithful Prune Diaries #5 (Everyone Welcome to Respond)

Hi! I was doing good for about a week, and now, the feeling is coming back. My thoughts are messing with me and I feel a hole in my chest, that sunken heart feeling. Why does it keep doing this to me? Why? The thoughts haven't really bothered me much, but I still keep seeing it. Do you really want to know what I see? This really picks up when I go outside. I see myself either jumping off a bridge, pointing a gun at my neck pointing upwards, gun in the mouth facing the back, then the other up the roof of the mouth, then the gun to the left temple since I'm left-handed. I wish I didn't have to see this in my mind, but I don't know what to do. I've looked into counseling for my anger and my depression. I do have an anger management hotline and access to the suicide hotline but I am afraid of calling those hormones for fear of being caught talking to them. I don't want to be looked at as the woman who thinks those kind of things, and I'm on Medicaid and live in the worst state in the U. S. for mental health issues, Oklahoma. I can go on Facebook and act as if I'm happy, but in reality I'm just another burden to society that nobody really cares about. Then they're going to show up at my funeral and talk about close they were to me. I mean, really? If they feel like that, my suggestion is to not even show up. I have a cousin I felt close to when we were young, but as we got older and they moved away, there wasn't anything. The person has a parent who still lives in town but I never see her when she comes back to visit, and I want to see her. She is on my facebook friends list and I do try to talk to her but she doesn't really talk to me and I've thought about banning her from showing up when I do die. I mean, why? Why come see me when I'm dead, but not come see me when I'm alive? I want my A positive type blood to dry out with me. 24 hours, put me down the next day please! Everything is so mother fu--ing depressing. And yes, I have a fascination with death, preferably my own. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of fighting it. I'm 40 years old and I've been dealing with depression since I was 14 and anxiety since 16. I just want to go. Damn. I want The Old Rugged Cross to be played there. That would be great. I love that song, one of my favorites. Gangsta's Paradise is my favorite secular song and I'm not affiliated with a gang. I can't take it anymore and I am ready. I just need the right time and it has to be away from home and between CST of 8:00am and 3:00pm. I'm just waiting for my personal signal.