Fear with a 0-60 acceleration

It's amazing how you're day can fluctuate. From up, down to the sewers, up, then down even further.

I guess I'm ok. I got some school work done today. It's just...the whole week has had some...less savory news.

One of my former chapter members had a devestating loss in her family. Her oldest, who was transgender, committed suicide a week ago. I didn't even know them, and yet it hit me hard. Like a train. I've been on both ends of the bullying spectrum. Both the bully and the bullied. I've been made fun of, and I made fun of others just to try and fit in. Neither really helped much later in my life. It hurts so much when you see someone end their own lives becaus people reject them for being themselves.

And then one of my sister's band classmates killed themselves recently as well. That one scares me the most, because I fear that may happen to my sister. She's a gentle soul, who is different than the "crowd". I guess. She's into art, anime, video games, etc. I fear she may get bullied because of what she enjoys. I don't want to lose her. I don't want to lose one of the people I care about because others reject them.

The worst part is, I imagine what would happen if that did happen. I felt this boiling sense of hatred. I wanted to hurt them. Kill them. Not just physically, but mentally. I wanted to make them feel the same pain they would have made her felt. Let it make their minds explode. It's scary. I don't want to. Because violence breeds more violence, be it physical or mental. Hatred breeds even more hatred. To the point where it creates a vicious cycle with no real end in sight.

When will it ever end? When will the day finally come when we look at each other as what we are rather than what we should be? But I'm bound to slip up. I can feel my mind passing judgements in the back of my head. No matter how hard I try. I try to be open midned, and yet my subconcious sneaks a few judgements in.

I guess I'll stop rambling on that note. I need to de-emotion a bit...