Feb. thoughts
Ok today is the 2nd day, not too bad, I am ok, nothing has been resolved, he still is ignoring me, comes and goes as he pleases, the one day I am not home, doesn't do all care more the woman, I am trying to realize I am going to just keep my distance emotionally, I am one who forgives easily but when someone doesn't ask for forgiveness, I am setting myself to be mistreated yet again, I refuse to be mean, I won't let another's behavior affect or change mine. I think I am making a tiny bit of progress, I cried a bit yesterday, because in front of my kids, he said how I think is a**inine, and that I was too lazy to do something, and I make excuses. My daughter came in and sat down next to me and said I am sorry that Dad is mean to you. 😢 that broke my heart, my kiddos should not haveto be involved in that. I guess they are being affected by their fathers behavior too.
I have been awake since 12am, I need to sleep, but this older woman is driving me nuts! She can't see and has a walker, and I can't get her to stay in bed! She needs more care than I can provide. I finally called her daughter to talk to her, she was talking nonsense. Now I can't sleep and have to get my kiddos up at 6:30 for school, ughh it will be a long day. I can't care for myself at times, and my husband has put me in a situation that causes me more stress, once I am awake, I can't get back to sleep, so the rest of the day will be anxiety and depression. I don't want to be here. I just want to enjoy my children, I guess I can't have that, I am feeling bad already, and my day hasn't started . I wish I had money to pack up and leave, no one else cares, my so called husband will start in on me too because he is working nights, and when I am near panic and so depressed he will accuse me of being lazy, as usual, I wish I had real friends, some one to tell me this is not how my life is supposed to end. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. Just me taking care of everything and everyone but me. My faith is very small, I am trying to stay positive, but every thing keeps getting worse when I think I have suffered enough. I try to remember that I can't think that it won't get worse!
Ok now this is plain ridiculous, she was in bed for less than an hour and is up wandering and talking, I am not trained to care for a alzheimer woman, and I have 2 young children to care for, I wish I so wasn't here, her daughter is just playing me, the woman doesn't even know where she is, and are,attitude is nasty, I don't get paid to put up with this! She slept all day, now us going to up all night, how did this become my problem. 
Yet again at 5:45 am. I am awakened, now she has come to my room, turns light switch on and off, several times before realizing that it doesn't operate a light, I am thankful for that, I really don't like being awakened from a sound sleep by someone yelling "Hey " at me. My son has been awake a few times too to her wandering and talking loud. I am so angry, I think this is a show, I am not keeping her company, I guess her daughter gets up with her, well I ain't HER! This time she started cursing at me, I said in a firm tone. Do not talk to me using that language, and I hope she tells her daughter that I yelled at her! ENOUGH! I still feel badly
Well today the kiddos and I went to NJ to visit my parents, was a good day, my husband stayed home and slept, so I didn't have to deal with any emotional abuse and was great, helped my mom try to straighten a bit, she is not a house keeper or organizer, and went to lunch stayed longer than I planned, got back at dinner time. Physically was rough ,my legs , arms and all my muscles hurt ,but I tried to ignore, now 1:30 am, and I can't sleep, not quite sure why that is.
I am going crazy, this older woman is a chatting machine, and I can't deal with her being up most the night, she needs more care than I can provide, I wish my opinion even mattered. I can't get anything done with her chattering, my anxiety is going through the roof, I would rather be alone during the day , I hate having to 24 /7 have her here, I miss my peacefulness ! I feel like this is a nightmare!
Today a new day and one where my brother texts me like he is having a conversation, I text him back not long after and 2 hrs later still no response, so I text thanks for the chat ,I guess you are a busy person and he responds , I am at work, I don't know why I let he self centered ness bother me, he has told me he was going to stop by and visit twice then ,long after canceled or just not shown up, I have never gotten along with him , he is only 2.5 yrs younger, but has lived at home with parents most his life, even now, I have been trying to forget that, but then he totally blows me off! I grew up in dysfunctional family and even now is, I haven't lived there in 25 yrs. And was out on my own at 20 yrs old, but moved back for 10 months following a divorce , he on the other hand has been only out on his own 3 times and very brief, I even moved out of state to get away. I try to live my parents and brother but it seems most likely the really don't care one way or another, it's like a show in public, but when no one is around, nothing!
@jr50. * supposed to be love
Ok new day, but this woman isn't going to have too many more ,if I have a say, she is worse than a child, if I Leavethe room,she calling me a d when I come in and ask what she wants , says nothing, just wondering where you were. Ughhh! I can't do this, I am tired and can't even nap ever! Like she is good for my anxiety or depression. It makes it worse and noone here even cares, maybe if I jumped off something, I would get their attention, talking to anyone here is like talking to a wall! I so want someone to care about me, mostly I'd rather be left alone. I don't want to care for someone else's family member, her daughters are so selfish and the younger one even Has the nerve to say she does everything for her mother ! What a joke!
Another day in anxiety land, I am a mess, can't hardly get out of bed, I started feeling bad yesterday, then panic attack, this morning it us back, wondering if my hormones way off?
Well my day just got worse, the jerk came home and took daughter to girl scouts and I have felt bad, when he found out daughter heated up mac and cheese in microwave, I am the worst parent on earth, I am sick of him , he totally doesn't care , he just won't care for the older woman, so I am supposed to stay home and do it, I am not even allowed to do what I like to do, my bible study, he runs his mouth
All the time and I am put down, I don't even cry anymore, not sure if that is good or bad, getting used to someone treating you bad, I am thinking is not good, but it's not ok, but sometimes I feel so trapped, I think hr knows that, every time he pretends to be nice, it turns out to be something he does or says that is hurtful. I told myself when I got out of an abusive marriage that lasted on and off for a little over 6 yrs, I wouldn't do this, but emotional and verbal abuse was more sutle. At my age, I don't know if I have the strength to stand up and say, if we're going to be together there is going to have to be a change. I am sure I will be laughed at.