Flower

Great idea flower! I started doing that and now I often look back at how messed up I was, still am, and wonder lolz, but by comparison; I see my growth. You are doing something fantastic for yourself, and the more you help yourself and others, the better understanding you'll get. Empowerment comes from understanding which gives our lives new purpose and meaning. I'll share a poem I wrote with you; click on my name profile pic, then click arrow to read my poem.

Many blessings, Day😊👍

I am lost.

I feel numb, and empty. I don't want to dig up the past, relive those memories, and awaken old, old monsters. Today is a good day, today is my friend's birthday, and I really don't want to ruin everything I've been planning for. But those monsters won't let me go. I've lost many people before, but the pain always feels strange to me. Everything aches inside. My thoughts are in disarray, I cannot think straight.

People leave. It's the cycle of life after all, right? They come and go. Maybe I should stop re-watching old videos. Maybe I should finally let them go. Maybe remembering them hurts more. But, does it really matter? It's always going to hurt. The ache never stops.

I think I will never really stop grieving after all.

I absolutely hate visiting relatives. I wish the earth could just swallow me up, and I could disappear forever. I just want to crawl in a hole, and die. *not actually just a metaphor*

bruhhhh my cousin runs a fan account for BTS aaaaaaaaa why do I need to know thisss anywaysssss

this is so me right now (also if it didn't show up I apologize in advance, still new to the forums 😔)

me rn:

(and I figured it out yay)

I need sleep. Anyways here's a cute sleepyhead:

I am never sure what to post here, or whether I should post it or not. I feel like I never really knew how to word my thoughts, and feelings. Writing random stuff out seems to be much easier than writing out what I'm actually feeling and thinking of. It is just super weird how my brain functions. Speaking of, I have a reaallllyyyy baaadddd problem with crying. I can cry at random times over random stuff, but I can never cry in situations that makes me want to cry, or when it actually makes sense to cry. I have read about this, and it turns out that it's quite common amongst people with bpd (like me), so it kind of made sense but it's still so damn annoying. I messaged my therapist reallllyy late last night and I ranted about this even though I knew that I shouldn't be annoying her with my stupid rambling at 2 am but I just couldn't. I kept thinking of every situation I've ever been in, and how I should've cried instead of sitting with my "robotic, emotionless" expression as my sister calls it. It sucks.

I can feel other people's feelings. It's like they rub off on me. If someone around me is feeling sad, I immediately feel sad and get strong waves of depression. If someone around me is happy, I feel super excited and joyful. It is so damn weird. But what I hate about it is that, it never happens with people I care about. When my mom is sad, I feel it but I cannot show it. It is like I am just physically unable to show any expressions.

I can cry over nothing, but when I lost my best friend I couldn't shed a tear. It hurts cause I wanted to. I really wanted to, but I just couldn't do it until later that day when I was alone in my room. I am crying right now, while writing this, but I couldn't cry back then. Sometimes, it feels like I'm far too broken, damaged, and messed up to the point that 4+ years of therapy and early diagnosis with specialized, personalized therapy, couldn't even help fix me.

I don't even know what to fix. I don't know who I am and what is "me" so fixing someone who doesn't "really" exist would be pointless.

Anyway, that's all for today I guess.

byeeee!

Okay so I wanted to just say hi and then bye in Harry language beacuse today is #10YearsOfOneDirection

Ahhhh the good ol' days. 12 year old me would've cried (shh I'm totally not crying)