Hawks Diary

Trigger warning: sexual assault, mention of past harm to self and emotional abuse

I opened up to one of my friends the other day about something in my past, i found it so difficult but i felt good after. I'm not open about my experiences or my past, i haven't spoken to a friend about any of it in years.

It was brought up in a depressing conversation about sexual assault, i remembered one of my experiences. It wasn't even the worst experience I've had of sexual assault but it was so frustrating. I was being sexually harassed and sometimes assaulted by a boy in my class, i was young and it was the first time something like this happened to me, i didn't understand but i knew it was wrong and i felt uncomfortable. I spent weeks working up the courage to tell my teacher, i finally did, he told me to get used to it and he wouldn't do anything. I thought it was all my fault for years, i felt stupid for saying anything so i never said anything when it happened again.

I told my friend, i was so angry with the memory, i think that's why i said it. They were kind, supportive and accepting of it all. They're great, but it was so difficult to say anything about it for years. This experience has kind of made me realise i have a problem with trusting people.

i feel like i can't let myself tell friends stuff or get too close to them. I'm scared, scared they'll laugh or use it against me or leave me or call me an attention seeker. I had a friend, stupidly i told them i had harmed myself. It was so stupid, i guess i just wanted help or something, i know i shouldn't have said anything, i just felt like i had nothing to loose. She laughed and called me an attention seeker and said she would tell everyone about it and how attention seeking i was, i know it was my fault.

I guess it just freaked me out, i stopped saying anything about my past or my feelings to anyone. I feel stupid that i told them and pathetic i can't say a thing about myself now. I think i have trust issues or something, i don't know though. I might be overreacting about it though.

I have my first exam tomorrow. I haven't revised, at all. couldn't bring myself to do it, every time i though of it i got so stressed out to the point i was having a panic attack.

I feel like i've let everyone, including myself down. I wish i could say if i went back i'd have revised, but i don't think i would have. I hope it all works out, i hope i pass. I doubt anyone would care if i did or didn't pass, there's no one to let down when they never had hope in you.

Had the exam, did not go well. Don't care too much to be honest.

Someone's phone went off though, examiners flocked over to them like seagulls, no idea who's it was.

Have another exam tomorrow, not as worried about it though. Can't do much to revise for English Language although i do get my glasses tomorrow. Finally be able to see stuff properly although i will look super nerdy.

Trigger warning for depressive or hyper-manic episodes, hallucinations

So glad with all these exams coming up that i haven't had any episodes, a bit of stress and dread sure but nothing bad. Surprised i haven't had one in all honesty, they've been triggered by much smaller things.

Although, i have been having hallucinations again. Normally when i'm tired so it's probably not something to be concerned about. It's normally snakes on the floor or bugs on the wall or the silhouette of a man. I did have a couple times where i saw the snakes while out at school.

These hallucinations normally get worse during hyper manic episodes, i haven't had an appetite or been sleeping much which are normally symptomatic of an episode but i just don't feel like i'm having one. Normally there's the massive boost in confidence, hopefulness and productivity when i have one.

Maybe i'm just feeling off because of stress.

Finished my first week of exams, i hope i pass 0-0

so stressful, don't remember if i wrote anything for most parts of the maths paper, i think its just my bad memory, i really hope

Trigger warning: mention of hyper manic episodes, hallucinations

I might be having a hyper-manic episode, i rlly wasn't sure because they're normally much more extreme and different to this i guess. I don't know.

I haven't been eating or drinking or sleeping much, the hallucinations are back. I know the not eating or sleeping doesn't help but they were there before it all started again. I don't want any more episodes, they're tiring, frustrating and make my life harder.

11 weeks clean today :)

Trigger Warning: mentions of bipolar disorder, hallucinations and mood swings

I had hallucinations last night, bugs crawling everywhere, snake on the floor and noises from under my bed. None of its real, i know that. I think they're caused by a mix of mood swings and stress/anxiety.

I told my friend for the first time, they told me to research it to make sense of it, i have, i have been. I think because of my episodes it sometimes causes a state of psychosis. I don't know what to do. I know psychosis is a serious disorder, and i wouldn't say i experience it easily. I wish it didn't happen.

It would explain why i have these intrusive thoughts sometimes too. It's occasional and the length can vary. I have brief psychotic episodes and i don't know why.

12 weeks clean. almost 3 months.

I told a friend about my episodes and hallucinations for the first time