Hawks Diary
Hi, I'm M.
I don't know how often I'll post on here or what I'll post but it'll probably be ranting about stuff. I'd like to keep this thread mostly as a diary for myself but if you want to leave a nice comment you can.
Trigger Warnings: I'm not sure what i'll post on here but it could include depressive episodes, hyper-manic episodes, sexual assault, possible graphic descriptions, hallucinations, bullying, topics on sexuality and gender, homophobia and emotional abuse.
If any of these topics could upset or trigger you please don't read or interact, i wish you the best and wouldn't want to offend anyone.
Have a lovely day/night :)
3 Months Clean Today
100 days clean today
I feel like everyone hates me, i'm despairing and just don't have the energy anymore. I keep dissociating, my legs tingle, i keep panicking. It's all too much.
Why am i like this.
i'm not sure about my sexuality anymore. I thought i was pansexual, i thought that for awhile but idk if i even like guys anymore. maybe i am a lesbian. i dont know
nothing feels real.
i'm so lost, its like i'm floating but i'm not. i'm numb and empty, i'm exhausted but i've had plenty of sleep. keep seeing stuff thats not there, i dont know whats dream and whats real.
I'm fine though, everything is fine.
keep hallucinating, really stressed me out last night to the point i had a panic attack, idk whats wrong with me, maybe i'm just tired
110 days clean today
I'm worried about my friend. Yesterday we said good morning, a couple hours later they sent me a text, they sounded kinda upset. I couldn't respond until a couple hours after, they never read the messages. i messaged them at 11pm asking how their day was, they never read it, said good morning and asked if they were okay, they never read it. I noticed they deleted their social media bio too, they spent awhile making it. It all seems out of character, they haven't messaged one of our friends either or seen the messages on the group chat. We normally talk multiple times a day, they always message me. Everything was fine the night before, we spoke for 4+ hours, they were the one initiating it too. I hope they are okay. It's not like when they don't want to talk to people, when they're like that they open messages but don't respond.
I was thinking maybe they don't have internet or their electronics were taken, but that wouldn't explain the deleted bio. I hope they're okay, i don't care that they haven't said anything to me, i care if they're okay.
5 days now, i haven't heard from my friend, neither has anyone else
helped out a friend with sexuality stuff, felt good to help someone, even if its only a little.