I Hate Myself & I Hate My Life
I'm a cat lady in my mid 20s and I have had depression and anxiety for over 14 years now. I have a therapist, but that's the only support I have. I had one friend but she doesn't want to hang out with me anymore or talk to me much - I always have to initiate conversation, but they normally don't respond. Thats usual for me. I keep friends for a little while, then I get comfortable with them and show what I'm really like and how I feel, and then my 'friends' disappear because I'm too depressed/a downer/uncool/etc...
I only live for my cats right now. And the only way I can cope is by smoking weed to make my brain stop thinking/ruminating on bad things all the time.
I work freelance, it's stable for me because I work hard and I only have work in my life, but I often don't get along with my coworkers because I'm usually one of the youngest in the office. That is changing very fast and makes me feel worse - soon i'll be older and I still wont fit in. Im very socially anxious, so I'm scared to go out of my apartment and have people see me. I don't like being stared at, it makes me really self conscious. I have no self esteem and no confidence. Going outside makes me see all the things I want and can't have - like friends and love and fun.
Talking in person is hard for me because my words get jumbled. People make me nervous. Thats why I prefer talk online or text. I can't even call a suicide hotline because talking on the phone makes me nervous.
I've stayed away from people for so long that I don't really know the norms, especially for my age group, and that makes me feel even more freakish. I don't have much experience in life and human stuff. Ive tried internet friends but no one wants to talk to me and most of the time I'm so depressed that I dont have any interests. And I also dont know where to go to find people anyways.
The only people who have ever listened to me and cared about my thoughts or how I'm doing are my therapists. People I pay to care. That is very upsetting to me. I even feel pathetic writing this forum post as I know no one will read it and want to help support me. People don't comfort me anymore because I am so familiar with them letting me down and leaving me alone again.
I feel disgusting in my own body. Ive never been regarded as beautiful, so when random people on the internet tell me, I know its a lie just to make me feel better. "Everyone is beautiful" is the worst lie I've ever been told. My skin is too dark, my hair is too nappy, and I have no style or good clothes. Did I mention my hair is disgusting?
In short, I hate my self and have nothing to live for except useless capitalistic achievements and keeping my cats fed. Once my cats die, I wont have any left.
@CatPlum24
"You'll get through this. It won't be painless. It won't be quick. But God will use this mess for good. In the meantime don't be foolish or nae. But don't despair either. With God's help you will get through this."
You know I myself have questioned the existence of God & my Christian faithbut now I know..I'm not guaranteeing that with him your path will be easier with God nor am I attempting to convert you..but win and doubt what do you have to loose? God is just another piece of motivation people like taking. He's not just a belief ir figure of religion. He's a hope. My hope.
I can relate to so many things you said here. I wish I could give you a hug.
Thank you for the nice message. It's getting hard for me to think positively about relationships as I see my old friends getting married and moving on with their people-filled lives.
Trust me, I know. Most of my friends are on their second marriage now and I've never even gotten close to being engaged. Everyone I know just about has someone. When I do get someone, it always ends in disaster.
I really mean relationships of all sizes. Friends. Acquaintances. I can't even consider "love" or anything like that for me until I can find out how to make friends who won't ditch me when I take off my "fake happy" mask
I can relate to that too. I do it most of the times and have lost many "friends" due to my episodes. I never fully let anyone in.
"People don't comfort me anymore because I am so familiar with them letting me down and leaving me alone again."
Are your friends friends? People who are there to have fun with and bitch to, or are they alternate therapists? I have been in the situation where I was just a little black rain cloud of depression and negativity and the people who cared for me pulled back because I was 1: asking too much of them and 2: shitting on any help/hope they offered by being determined that everything would be awful forever.
What worked for me was starting by "fake it till you make it". Not when things were really wrong but when my depression was doing the talking I wouldn't let it control my mouth.
Let me dispel you of the idea of fitting in. No one does. Everyone feels awkward and like they said/did the wrong thing. I am sure your depression makes it worse for you. You have a louder negative voice in your head saying terrible things. Learn to say "f*ck it". I complimented a woman on her hair and then had all this BS white guilt that I had said the wrong thing. So I said F it. I had meant well and if she didn't realize that there was nothing I could do. Turns out I Hadn't put my foot in my mouth. She really likes me and always goes out of her way to say hi now.
Social anxiety can be hard, but the more you put yourself out there the more your body learns to stop responding as though there is a threat.
You can have a real life. Not everyone finds love but I think the more you get out in the world and prove those depression demons wrong the more you will build a strong support group. Have fun. Go to a museum, go to a show. I treated myself to a live showing of one of my favorite podcasts recently. It was terrifying and it was Worth It.
I would recommend calling the suicide hotlines when you need to. Write down "I have trouble talking. Please be patient with me." Read that to them and go from there. Maybe the practice will help.
I find that the 'norms' can be boiled down to talking about things you liked as a kid or like now. Embrace that you have something to offer because you do.
I can't speak to your physical beauty. I weigh 250lbs myself though so I know how rough it can be to not feel worthwhile. Finding confidence Does help. I would certainly worry about a love life after you get other parts of your life on track.
I don't buy "too dark" skin. I have always found darker black people Very attractive.
If you want to find something to live for try volunteering. Find a cause that you believe in. Maybe a humane society animal shelter?
I hope this gets better for you.
Why do I get all sort of negative feelings when I read this message? Is it because I read it as: cheer [edited - language]up and stop whining? Or is there something else at work.
I am well aware that depression isn't a matter of just cheering up and not whining. I don't know what your life looks like though. I know that when my depression was at its worst people pulled away from me when I put too much on their plates that wasn't their problems to fix. If that is something you see yourself doing when you "take off your happy mask" that could be more the reason your friends pull back than just that you have depression issues. Venting to venting to a friend is one thing but average people aren't therapists and that isn't a role a friend should be forced into.
I've only taken my mask off for one person and it only occurred once. My most recent friend that has ditched me asked me to open up if I wanted to talk. I did that one time.
There are only 3 people outside of my doctors and Mother who know I have had depression. None are around anymore. I dont discuss it with anyone because I dont trust them. I rarely get the opportunity to open up and show my true self to people.
I WISH I had a friend to vent to once in a while. But that is something I have never had. I only get to vent to people I pay big money to see.
Why do you get the impression that I am the type of person who vents and yells at friends(singular, friend)about my problems?
So I read through this entire thread. Thankfully didn't take long. ie. I can get invested into whole pages and pages on this forum. People just squeak/scream/cram/spam/wham out a few many things that hit just/almost/the whole note and darn, another thousand hours gone.
I'm guessing your negative feels are because the words spoke to you quite a bit. So the inspiration was shrouded by the intense recalls or even realisations. It is true you wallow too much. You responded rather negatively to almost every part of every reply. That is a fault but also a personality. Which means it'll be okay. What he(?) was trying to say was not quite "suck it, so do others." but "best advice I learnt was be positive but you already know that so I'll just say don't try to fit in. You will never please everyone least of all yourself but positivity will always be a good thing for everyone including yourself. So keep that happy mask on. One day you will get used to putting yourself out there (talking, making talk and being less nervous about talk the more you do so by intiating talk)." Humans are constructs worse than computers. Overload it with a few faces and they will blend into each other and you WILL care less from person to person. Enough to socialise 'normally'. Which by the by, is not me undermining you. That is taken from my own vocabulary of experiences haha.. Not that we'll ever get rid of the awkward. Some do but that's 'some'.
Best advice (?learned realisation) I ever got was this: People like you more for what they have done for you and not vice versa. It proves one of two things, they like you enough to have done it and they are a good person to have done it even if just to themselves. People like being around people who makes them feel improved and or positive about themselves. Yourself no less. My therapist/counsellor switched many many times. Finally the last left me. It took a while and the self hate (all those accursed questions and assumptions. But they are only that. Innocent until proven guilty and all that. Hard realisation. Is fact) is never truly gone. Not when people still live and have possibility to make the worst mistakes. But the 'lessons; I got to making them out myself. Noticing other people too much had always been my problem but continuing to do so and then seeking some others out is now just another part of me. I am lack of personality to socialise. I am awkward. I program a personality and socialise.I am mostg comfortable online too. Stranger seeking may be shallower but definitely much safer. Generally. But I am too long winded (as you can see) for nervous to not take my oodles of talk when in person. Some emailed peeps will ignore me after a while because of the paragraphs in replies. I ignore or forget too about them too (so many things and distractions, so little time) sometimes for months and sometimes it's that that eventually drives them away.
Turns out I do have a personality. It leaks out. Even the program was my own choice. Me. My idea of 'personality to socialise well enough with'. Friends (temporary or otherwise) tell me I am awkward and notice awkward things about me even when I didn't feel it at the time. There really is no changing that. Or the nerves. Sometimes the program slides off. I don't mean to but I let up and am left blank and expressionless. People do not know how to react. Some will avoid me until I'm 'back to normal'. It's okay because only I know my own burdens. If people are truly unique, it is impossible to ever truly empathise with anyone else. That is you. For happier social times, there's next time. Familarity and humor can get one over anything.
Perception is only in the moment. Time wlll roll on. There will be others. Never stop trying.With old or new. As quoting others: Faith and positivity. Believe it, believe in yourself. This is what (from above) spoke to me the most:
"Are you friends friends or alternate therapists?" Nicely put. Painfully put. People like to preach too damn much. Yes this is hypocrisy but here's another ie. me, who feels or has felt, thought or has been thinking the same way or the same things as you. Last food for thought, double if you already know it: Nobody can 'preach anything to you that you will get but not to some point, agree with. That is all. A good working day and with the cats to you :)
PS. Lol, "holding a piece of ice in your hand"?
"People like you more for what they have done for you and not vice versa."
I'm not sure what that means. If that is true, then that would explain why no one likes me ever. People never do things for me. I always reach out and offer help for stupid things. If I have coupons I give them away, if someone needs money I lend it to them, if someone's moving I offer to help. People don't offer me anything. Not even company.
Finally saw this reply now. Oh the feels. From reading my own post. Ahaha.. Anyhow, thought a bit of whether to reply or not. People cannot help being negative and trying to force positivity onto the reply is asking for an accidental war of words. Anyhow.
Don't be a person that breaks down because they think they're fake or are taking too much. Don't take too much. You don't need to and if you don't, nobody dies so they won't complain. Unless you happen to have been indulging them for the half millenia. Yeah.. That might take some weaning. Yes, there's a certain level of courtesy for all social situations but generally speaking, you don't need to cover other people's dirt(y ____). To build upon your example, one day all those dollars will become a million. And if they need THAT all in one go? Nah. What of the poor peeps who can't lend? Unless you be swimming in wealth and would be a scrouge not to give what is 10cents to everybody else, you don't have to. It's okay to be nicer to those who are nice back. Encompass the Shakespeare: Do unto others as they do blah you. Wait, it isn't historic poetry? If shallow is more than material, then nice(deep) too is more than shallow, more than material.
Next point. "Anything" is a strong word. Like "hate". Cannot vouch about company, but all who replied here offer some level of empathy. Thus defintely not a nothing. It might be hard to tell here when you're knee deep in what looks like depression but condemning the rest of the world on a minority, the percent of the world you know-- Is to condemn yourself. Welcome back to the world of your public diary when you read this. Venting of any form is always okay when and if it makes you feel better. Writing is a medium as is a person. (Mentioned above and somewhat below). You're on the internet, this URL is public. Someone is always listening. Someone will eventually see this. A someone that unlike the anti-vent friend(?) is feeling somewhat like you do or are now. Lost, without company, without sympathy, without a voice, without a vent, without relatability.The relationship or bonds itself may be as thin as a thread and cut off just as easily, but the thread and the feelings associated with each are true enough. Do not underestimate the power of empathy. It is all the stuff a site like this is built on. May you feel less alone this night and all the nights hereafter.
It's hard to take anonymous empathy as real life empathy on a forum thread that's old. My problem is that I get a lot of the fake stuff so I don't think any of it is genuine until it makes me feel that way. Sure it's nice that people here say nice things but this isn't a real place. It isn't a substitute for my crap life especially not for socializing.
We all found this site because of something. We all joined because we wanted something like it, liked the ideas in and for its making: To not let others be in the place where we were once.
It's paper thin empathy but empathy enough. I have no overly exuberant recount of being a listenee myself but the system, has me visiting every now and then as one regardless.
Reading the long message that person wrote to me has put a dark cloud over my head. Generally that only happens when I have a bad experience with another human being. Today, on the bus home from work, it felt like being spit on from nowhere. Its been over an hour and I still feel bad.
I feel bad about myself. Imhaving the angry imaginary conversations with friends that have ditched me and people who have been mean to me in the past. I cant stop thinking about it. Holding a piece of ice in my hand hasnt worked. Taking a shower hasnt worked. Reading that one thing has ruined my evening.
This is usually when I would have a really strong drink and smoke weed to wipe my recent memories. Its the only way I can get thru my life without cry and wanting to die.
I know no one really understands that. But I dont think theres anyone else out there like me. What is the point of this?
Hey. I completely understand you. I have problems too. My problems are so hard that I can publish all the problems. But why the problems? You're being tested you need experiences for be in your dreams, to be a singer, doctor, president or whatever. The people that are always laughing at you they are all less than yp. I can solve those problems. Life is like movie every element join to form a tragedy and then after the storms comes the rainbow, after the dark comes light.
I got some errors in the test but whatever
None of that makes any sense....
Oh wait. Youre saying what the christian guy was saying. Yeah. I dont want to be tested for this shit. I have my career. I dont need more struggles. One more and Im dead. period
I may start using this thread as a bit of a diary. I know there's no one out there but I need to get used to the idea of just doing everything for myself. Including talking to myself.
I'm not very nice of a person. I'm sick of being everyone's little angel who helps with with everything as I getnothing in return.
Im sick of having to fake every aspect of my personality to appease other people who will eventually leave me anyways.
I still hate everything and have no one. Time doesnt exist for me. Im just living for no reason waiting until I can just end it all because no one fucking cares
Small update since being banned: I now have multiple therapists of different types. Now I get to work more hours to pay for my $1500/mo therapy bills. Yay.
Be grateful you can afford these things. :)
There are lots of people in the world who suffer just as much as you do who cannot afford this help.
Grateful isn't the word I'd use to describe the capitalistic bullshit I live in. I work on average 60hrs each week and i have no friends or supports beyond my therapist. So in a way NEED to afford these things. I'm not a starving African, I live in a country where it's considered a great embarrassment not to have the latest gadget or stylish item. I work to live in a world where only vanity matters. So yes, I can afford my therapy. I can also afford my hobbit cave apartment for $2000mo. There's no central air and it comes with two homeless junkies on the front steps. Yay me.
Hey friend. I'm not talking about starving children in Africa or North Korean kids who have been working since they were born.
I'm talking about the kid that lives four doors down. He's the same age as you. He's had the same life as you, except right now, he can't find a job in his field. He works two minimum wage jobs. Literally gone from 6:30 am and come home around 10pm. He also hates the society values money, but works all the time and comes home to a place with no central air and homeless people around.
He has depression as well but since his car broke down last month he can't afford therapy. Neither job offers benefits you see.
These are the people who would be grateful even in your position to be able to afford to get someone to listen to them. That's all I'm saying. I'm not saying that you don't have a right to be unhappy. I'm not saying that how you feel isn't valid. I'm just saying that there's sometimes some things we can be grateful for even when life looks pretty dark.
Keep your head up.
Pretty I want to say you some things... but I don't want to say them here. I wannaknow you that you're not alone in this battle, I wannatell you a little story. If you wanna hear it, I will be very happy c: please don't judge the fact that imnot sharing this on here, it's only because it's private and I don't think it's good to share it to everyone. I'll be happy if you will contact me, it would mean alot:3 anyway, i can tell you one thing: there's this song, that I bet can save lifes, it's called Keep Holding On and the first verse is 'you're not alone, together we stand' c: i'll be glad if you will contact me, goodbye ^^
Pray about it
😀😀😀😀
