I dont deserve friends

I feel like I dont deserve friends. Ive had 3 huge fallouts that were devastating. Each tike my mom convinced me that i wasnt at fault. But this last one i know i wasnt innocent. I acknowledged my faults and tried to make amends with them but it just didnt work out. My current group of friends.. Well. Idek. They are great and i feel like they appreciate me but at the same time it doesnt. I feel like i annoy them and am a burden and idk how to shake that. I find myself preferring to isolate and pretending i dont exist. They all live in an apt together and im an hour away now living with my parents so we dont hang out a whole lot anymore anyway. Ig thats a good thing. It makes it easier to fade away. I was the only one to visit anyway. They said theyd try to visit but it never happens. I dont feel any malice toward them and i dont want to hurt them but i think im better off alone without friends. I cant seem to keep a friendship stable for longer than a few years anyway and this one is starting to recah its expiration date. They just dont know it. I wish I could just entirely isolate and d!sappear. I dont want people to check in on me and "worry". I wanna adopt a cat and vent here and eat good food. Relationships are too much for me to keep up with. Its not fair to anyone who gets involved with me.