I have never loathed myself more than now.
Why? Why the hell can't I just be mentally strong for once in my worthless fucking life?
I wish I never found online porn when I was younger. If I could go back in time, I would smack him for looking at it. Correction: I'll smack him with a chair.
Now I feel nothing. Nothing but this sense of self hatred of myself for being so week. I've masturbated so that I've become accustomed to it. I'll do it when I'm bored, when the urge arises, it's all just a bunch of impulsive bullshit.
You know, I guess I deserve it. For being weak. That's all I am. Fucking weak. A loser. Who can't connect with people. Fine. Let my life turn to shit. Let the good things in my life fucking pass me by, because I don't deserve it. Not unless I can beat this. I've done nofap before. I've done 2 weeks max. Then I just cracked. Now I've been off and on.
Now all I feel is hate. Hate towards myself. For not being better. For just doing what my brain wants. Feeding it.
I'm trying nofap again starting today. But for once, I wish I could be a human who could connect with other humans. Who can be intimate, love, and feel something other than this hate.
@Nick8876
Well it strikes me that the only hate you describe is self hatred. So I wouldn't say you're a hateful person, just judging yourself over harshly.
You also seem to be relating your frequent use of porn with an inability to form human relationships...why the sense to you that they're so strongly connected? Or is it that you turn to porn as a substitute for a relationship. Because if that's the case, can you think of ways you could get out and meet more people? Not to be necessarily looking for love either, or sex, but just making connections with people, sharing interests, developing friendships. These are the sort of connections that often lead to finding a relationship....a friend of a friend, or someone who shares a similar interest to you.
And you know, can you work on that self hatred a bit? Why are you so worthy of your hate? You talk about being weak, but hell....you're not alone with that. I have little or no self control in parts of my life....I think it's pretty much the human condition. But it doesn't make me worthy of hate, and nor are you.
@DeborahUK
I don't know myself. For me, I feel like because I discovered it so young it hurt me from forming relationships with people. I feel like it turned off my emotions. I would get that huge shot of dopamine, and then afterwards...Well....Not so much.
I've never had an intimate relationship with someone. I've brushed it off, telling myself it isn't for me, but then I think about maybe this is the reason why. I'd tell myself I'm not capable.
I'm seeing a psychiatrist soon, so maybe it will help relieve some of this. I wrote this in a flying rage, so sorry if the language is a bit coarse.
@Nick8876
You're okay with the language for me....I'm not such a delicate soul. But thanks for the apology anyway.
I'm glad to hear you have some more formal support lined up, and I hope that helps you to set things out in your own mind.
I had to Google nofap....not something I'd come across before. Whilst I'd encourage you in the quest to replace some of that time you spend watching porn, to seeking out real interactions with real people, I don't think you should underestimate the male sex drive. I'm not a man, so I can't even pretend to be in your head space! But from what I've read in the past, some men have pretty high sex drives, and frequent thoughts about sex really aren't uncommon. So if you're turning to porn a lot, don't think of yourself as too unusual in doing that.
So, having said all that, I wonder why you'd view yourself as incapable of having a relationship? You sound pretty 'normal' to me :)
@DeborahUK
I just feel... incompatible. With a lot of people. Every time I go somewhere, I feel like I'm a part of the scenery.
I've been exposed to a lot of self help stuff. All these people who live happy lives. Who have there own way of doing things, have all these great experiences.
I've never had that. Every time I read something life that, or read something that's supposed to be uplifting, it makes me feel like I'm just living life wrong.
I just don't feel comfortable around people. I don't buy in to this dating and sex obsessed culture we have today. And at the same time, all I want is to have someone to lean on, to cry to. To cuddle up to. I've just felt so insecure about myself and my past and my life that I just don't think I deserve it.
It's a lot of things really. I could go on, but it would be a damn novel when I finish.
@Nick8876
Well, I'm always a bit suspicious of these people with perfect lives. I think social media's got a lot of blame to take for that. Everyone posting photos and comments of how wonderful their life is, when they've probably spent their Saturday evening alone, in their pyjamas, with a tub for ice cream for company. But look at their profile, and you'd think their life is one long party.
What I'm saying is, as humans, we don't tend to like to portray the slightly grittier or lonely side of life. So the perfect family next door don't talk about the fact that dad drinks too much and hits them, or the young married couple don't mention the fact that they're battling with alcoholism. But don't be fooled.....everyone's lives have their ups and their downs.
Sadly though, life seldom comes to you. And people also, not always though, tend to gravitate towards people who can look at them and smile. So hold your head up, get out, and count yourself as an equal. Because you are. And you may not instantly feel at ease, but it will often come. And if it doesn't, there are many other ways to connect with people, online for example, and feel part of the human race again, flawed as we all are.
I don't even know what to say more than that I'm more frustrated at being looked down upon everyone after so long, I just end up growing to want to be on top. Not top as in a popular clique or anything like that (no, I'm not in school anymore, I graduated tech). What I mean is, I'm just so hateful of myself for not standing up for myself since I left my old state 15 years ago, then I refuse to accept proper help to overcome these issues and could never overcome them either way.
I'm feeling better thinking I'm better than people who hurt me, regardless of who they are in general. If they are similar to me by interest or mental issue wise, I can still hate them. If I don't know them, I can still hate them. It's cos I got self-esteem problems plus I can only see violence and bullying towards me, which now will trigger me into both hating myself even more and into wanting me to put them down. I'd love to see them cry as I laugh, when it was the other way around back when I was in high school and college. Now, I hate crying, but I've been doing it 3 days in a row now as of today. It hurts me because it's weak for me to do so, and I want more power to avoid it. The power to stay strong emotionally, and stay amok.
Seriously, I wish I was never depressed and I should hit my 14 year old self and even bludgeon her for not picking up the courage to fight back when her troubles began with bullies. If I didn't have depression or anxiety, I'd be just as cheery and friendly with a successful trip to a real career which can make over 60-90 grand a year at a university with the other rich scum, who I see as completely cheery and too successful in their lives if their university of choice is high quality. Similar to the mine I was in. I still hate myself for having to suffer with these problems, I do. And worst one is being autistic. If I had no disability, my life would be better off.
Because I have at least three, I'm still furious at both myself, my mother for moving me to SC in 2002 (I was 7 then), and being a complete coward until now. Though, I still can't overcome my problems. B|
I am sorry that you feel this way.
I am sorry that you are going through this.