I'm So Angry!

Not having money. Feeling ugly. Missing my guitar. Missing my family. Being lonely. Not having an appetite. Cold/rainy weather. Not being back in college. Not knowing what I want from life.

I apologize for the enormous wall of text that I'm going to write, but I think I need to properly vent.

I'm stressing out about finances. I'm moving this summer, which will render my health insurance useless, and I don't know where to begin shopping for new insurance. As a result, I have delay a shoulder operation and live another year in constant pain. I'm so sick of it. In addition, I have to take out MORE student loans to finance law school (in addition to undergraduate loans and credit card debt). I've always been good with my money, but this year I'm so scared if I'll have enough to get by once loan payments come in.

In addition, my family is still broken due to my sister's drug addiction and my parents not liking the whole gay thing, so I really haven't spoken to my family in some time. It really hurts.

Okay, rant is done.

It upsets me that bad people seem to succeed while good people seem to struggle and that the more I put into relationships the more I get treated badly, the cost of everything is going up but wages are staying the same, it seems like everyone I meet these days are two-faced or fake, that people don't socialize anymore but rather play with their phones, that I have to travel at least an hour just to go to work, that my parents make me feel like I'm worthless because I'm still at home and they don't think I'm trying hard enough and don't realize things aren't the same as in their day, that I can't afford a college education, that I'm getting more into debt, that my car is having problems and I can't afford to fix it, that people take advantage of my kindness, that I can't sleep at night, that I can't afford to eat healthier. Thanks guys!

This will probably end up as a massive wall of text, but I'm feeling the need to get it out and I don't know where else to do that.

I deal with a physical disability that causes chronic pain and limited mobility. I've been fighting with Social Security to get benefits and even though I meet their requirements for being considered disabled several times over, they've denied my claims/appeals twice over the last several years. Because of this, and the fact that I can't work a real job due to the health issues, I have next to no money. I survive on the charity of others and their patience is growing thin.

Prior to the disability I was working full-time, going to college full-time (with a near 4.0), married and while I had my depression and anxiety, I had them in check. I was healthy and getting healthier. I never missed work due to illness and going all the way back to kindergarten, I only ever missed a 1/2 day of school due to breaking my arm. Now I have days I can't leave the house. My ex-wife left me years ago because I 'couldn't live life at the pace she wanted to live' anymore. I had to drop out of college because if I didn't take pain meds I was so sore I couldn't see straight, and if I took the meds, I was so out of it I couldn't think straight.

So, the disability really changed my life. But, things started getting better. I devoted a few years to bettering myself, doing as much as I could despite my health issues, and living as healthy/happy a life as I could muster. I got on meds for depression/anxiety and I eventually ended up in a good, healthy relationship.

That was where things were six months ago. Since then, the woman I was with left me to get back together with an ex who, to be blunt, is a rather terrible person (which makes me wonder what's wrong with me). My legs have gotten worse and I've had several surgeries/procedures that led only to my doctors telling me that the most they can do is figure out why I started developing recurring blood clots. They can't fix the issue; the damage is done. As of now, they are still trying to figure out how to figure out that why because the damage in my legs is so severe, ultrasounds and similar methods can't see past the scar tissue. I was able to get my student loans forgiven after that part of the government declared I am 'completely and totally disabled' and will be for the rest of my life. I've been able to start working with the Department of Vocational Rehab to search for a place I can work a few hours a week that'll allow for my severe workplace limitations. DVR classified me as having a 'Type 1 Disability': The most severe a person can have. However, despite that, Social Security continues claiming that I'm not disabled and thus not entitled to benefits. My disability lawyer sent a letter after the most recent denial informing me she's no longer taking my case and referring me to a lawyer that would be willing to, hopefully, take the case to a Federal District Court.

To top all that off, the roomie I had here that kept me company and helped me get around had to move for a job opportunity, the friends I have that are interested in time with me are too busy to do much of anything, and others I was friends with before have either stopped coming around all together, or have gone as far as to tell me to stop contacting them because they think I'm just attempting to not work/to mooch government money because, despite the pain and other serious health issues, my disability doesn't look (visibly) severe.

Being lonely is getting to me, I'm really missing both my ex and her daughter, my depression and anxiety have had me on edge big time. I've tried reading, writing, playing games, watching movies/TV, playing with my dog, and chatting up the neighbors but nothing seems capable of occupying my mind anymore. I start doing something I enjoy and one of two things happens: I either can't get into it and stop, or I spend the time half-interested and half dwelling on whichever of my issues is currently on my mind. I'd love to find a new hobby or something that actually engages me, but I haven't been able to find anything. For years that was writing and these days, aside from something like this or a Facebook discussion with friends, I can't seem to write much of anything.

I really don't know what to do and, at times, it scares me. I'm not suicidal but at times I do think that were I to pass from natural causes, the people around me would be better off. My disability can be exacerbated by stress. I keep trying all the coping methods I've been taught but at most they distract me for a few minutes and then I'm back at square one. My meds are doing next to nothing to help and my support network is at the point where they simply don't know what to tell me.

I'm going to leave it at that for now. Don't know what else to say. If anyone wants to reply or whatever, I'll read it and may say something back. Was mostly just looking to put all of that out into the ether though.

Not just angry but hurt and sad. Let me start at the beginning. Mystepson recently got married and had a baby. They are both young ( 20 & 23 ).Hubby and I were not only supportive butexcited for them. I threw gender reveal party for them and their baby shower. We paid for and did all of the "work" for their wedding. Ever since the baby was born we are treated like we don't deserve to be a part of his life. I cry daily and am absolutely heartbroken. This is my first grandchild. She has gone as far as telling me it doesn't matter because I'm not his REAL grandma. I have beento my husband for 7 years. I have tried talking to her to no avail. I don't know what to do.