In dreamland or is it?

Over the years, I have tried real hard to be here. I have struggle with view of myself, my relationship, and where I am in life. Everyone seem to move on, start a family, move somewhere, or find a place for them. At the core of it, I am probably being egoistic and envies. I don’t like to think I am because I know I can think better.

I have been disassociating from life - more now than ever. In the past years, I have worked real to not do this. I have worked to be in real life, to be productive, and to work on my communication. I work hard to be part of life and to obtain the things we were told by everyone to achieve. I try to be part of society. I try to soicalize. I try and I try. Over and over again. I guess things just get old and I just got tired of people.

My personal life is a mess. I barely got any friends. At least, they all move away or live real far away. I barely talk to my cousins either. I barely do anything outside of my family. I am still trying to recover from my ex-job. Then my ex-job stresses me. I was constantly stressing about my performance and my interactions with clients. My supervisor had never told me I was doing bad. In fact, I got a paid raised each year and was told I meet the expectation performance. But that wasn’t enough fo time because my mistakes haunt me and I work while constantly fearing I’ll make more mistake, the same mistake, or even worst mistakes.

I was having insomnia, getting only 2 hours of sleep, over working myself (12 hours work from Monday to Friday [full time job + part time business], 4 hr on Saturday), and barely had time to do the things I enjoy. I have a few episode of panic attack, depression, and severe dropped in motivation/balance work and personal life. It got to the point I had to call in sick and dread walking into the office. Dread calling the clients. I became paranoia of my phone, of people. Little things upset me. People being upset, irritated, angry, or just negative sent me isn’t so swirls of panic attack, paranoia, or flight or fight mode. Eventually, I was having migraine 3-5 days in a month and enduring tension headache for several days in a month. You can say, half of the month I was taking pain killer.

My ex-job was in no way promoting negative work environment. They are doing the best they can to help workers. I just feel it was not a good fit. I personally feel we weren’t given enough assistance or overloaded with cases. We were up against a new system that seem to fail at every corner, clients demanding their cases be completed ASAP (common compliant, hard to deal with, and some yelling every now and then), regulation confusion, and our leads are too busy to help us. I also don’t feel comfortable taking my clients to a tiny cubicle and have to buzz for help if I need it. After I asked myself, If the world is to end today, tomorrow, or soon, what would I be proud of, how would I rather spend my days? Yup - so I quit. I didn’t go unemployed. I just accepted I’ll have to self-employed for a much longer time than I want to.

I am trying to heal but find myself disassociating more and more with reality. I am still having anxiety every now and then. Overthink things. What holds me together so I don’t go all insane are my books. They take me away from this world. I try not to think about the future especially job because I expect the worst. There are days I just let my book take me away and when my book aren’t around, I let my mind take me away.

There are moments I know this isn’t me and I don’t want to do this. But I can’t bring myself to climb back out of this pit. I am not just comfortable here, but I don’t see the point in climbing out anymore. Life isn’t a book. Nobody is out there to pat my back or blow kisses to my wounds. Making friends has always been the hardest thing in my life so I stop trying. I think it is okay to stay here for now but I do need to go see a therapist.