Journal Entry

Hello! This is my first time posting in the community, but I'm glad there is something like this here because I would like to journal my thoughts without people knowing exactly who I am. 

I went through my fair share of depression, anxiety, and self-harm a long while back, but I've changed a lot since then. I feel incredibly privileged to have the problems that I'm dealing with right now, because they are nothing like the journal entries of others in the community that I've read. 

Somehow I managed to turn all of my negative energy into the intense desire to be successful and learn everything. Right now, I'm getting ready to start applying to my dream schools to transfer to, and I'm feeling a little stressed from the deadline I have. In 6 weeks, I retake the SAT. For the school I want to go to, I would need to get a near perfect score, which involves a lot of studying and practice tests until then. I'm also writing a book right now, and my goal is to get it published before I go back to school, which is right after the SAT's. I'm almost done with the first draft right now, but I know the editing stage will take a while, and I haven't even started marketing it yet. I'm also taking two college classes at the moment-both intro classes, but they take up time. I'm also doing the 7 cups internship-which I love, don't get me wrong-but I wonder what the chances are that I can succeed at everything I want to do. I'm taking calculus next semester, but I haven't taken a trigonometry or pre-calculus college class, so I need to make time to brush up on my trigonometry (I'm an English major, btw-not very good at math naturally). I'm also on my college wrestling team, so if I don't stay in shape over the summer, I'll have *** to pay once the semester starts.

The worst part about it is the turnover. As soon as I take the SAT's, I leave for college, and the semester starts the very next day. I won't have time to reflect or relax or even conceive of a break, and I'll be entering what is most likely my hardest semester. I'm pushing myself this summer and the next semester with hard classes because that will be the final thing that the schools I'm applying to will see. It's my dream to get into the school I want, and I want to put everything into it. I just wonder if I'll be able to pull it all off. 

However, I know that these problems are way above everyone else's, who are just trying to survive. That's why I can't talk about these things with my friends. They don't get it. If it's so tiring, then why don't I just stop? It's a paradox. The more I put in, the happier I am, even if I'm getting more tired or stress. This is what I want. I enjoy doing all the things I do-it's not just because I want the end goal of going to a prestigious school. 

I so badly want to be good enough for it.