Just some thoughts

Ok, so I’m watching a love so beautiful and I’m on the part about Wu Bosong liking Chen Xiaoxi and I’m just hurt about his broken heart and a part of me thinks he’s cute and should be with her but that’s besides the point. My overthinking is leading me to dreaming of a man telling me he likes me and I’m liking him and I’m just making myself feel so shy XD I love Wu bosong I love how he as a swims and he seems like such a good friend to have, I would so fall for him in real life. He’s so cute in how much he cares for Chen Xiaoxi but girl is in love with a guy who’s so cold! He’s a good guy but omg why is he so aloof? But I feel so warm and giggly thinking of a man in the romantic sense! Like omg, I think your cute and you think I’m cute?! Yes please!!! Guys can be so dreamy, and I sometimes obsess over this sort of stuff but it’s all good because I still work hard to do what’s best for me. It’s funny because a part of me wants to date a guy and then another part of me wants to be Independent and focus on loving myself lol. But Wu bosong is just so cute and I love him so much and I just needed to get these thoughts out

Eh... who’s wu bosong

Lately I’ve been having deep thoughts on what self love really is. When I first started getting into self love, I thought it was, “I’m an independent woman I don’t need anyone, friend or lover” but now I see it as a marriage of the mind and body, which means that self love is meant to tend to any needs we may have but do it in a way that heals us. And as inherently social creatures, having other people to talk to and help us thrive is so important. Yes it’s important to recognize that we are whole and complete on our own and we have a right to develop ourselves how we want to. But we also have a right to find people who will love us as we are and will let us be who we want to be no matter how outlandish or crazy it may seem. The body and mind need connection with others but a person also requires recognition of who they are in order to build connections with others. I’ve also notice how complex relationships can be which is odd to me, but when you take in to the scope of what we as humans can do, it makes sense why everything is not black and white only. The duality of life is very enriching though it can be hard. I’m mad that I can’t ever reach perfection. When I say perfection I mean self perfection. Like I do everything I want to do when I want to do it. But perfection even in that form is non existent :/ the best I can do is to keep moving forward, alas.

Thought I lost this post or it was deleted, not a big deal but it gave me something to do so I’m glad I found it. Having some thoughts on independence and growing up. Lately I’m afraid that I’m not as grown up as I should be. No being an adult is not fun but the basic freedoms of getting yourself around with your own car and having a job is really starting to get to me. I think it’s because of my father and how he judged me several years ago and said I shouldn’t be like my mother who waited a long time to get hers. I had valid reasons for why I didn’t want to get my license which he didn’t find out until freshman year of college but now it’s like why am I stalling? Now it’s because I’m afraid of failure though I feel more pushed to go do what I need to do. We’re still in quarantine so it makes me feel better about not having it and I have to watch my little sister, but still. I want to be free to live life on my own terms. I need money though so I’m glad to be living. I wonder what I’m going to think looking back at this a year from now? I hope I can be happy and proud of the things I have done. I really want to be independent and thriving on my own one day. Doing everything for me with some girlfriends by my side laughing and Cheering me on. Some nice guy friends would be cool too but I can’t relate to men at all nowadays. We’re sooooooo different for the most part. I feel so unprepared and like I don’t know what’s for certain in my life. It would be nice to have some clarity on my life some more. I’ll do what I can to prepare for the day I gain my freedom completely

So just some thoughts of accepting the world and everyone as is. Also why did Chen Xiaoxi like Jiang Chen when he’s so cold and why don’t they communicate? It doesn’t make sense. I got an eevee which is super awesome. I’m building a kawaii collection so I’m happy that something was added. I’m super excited in building my image and developing myself. I love vintage things to but it’s a slow transition unfortunately. But hey as long as I put in the effort. I can get everything I want!

Nearly forgot to post it’s kinda funny I said no deep stuff when I did. Today I took a step towards my future which I’m really proud of. I made an appointment with an anxiety group lol. I’m really afraid of talking to people and creating relationships so it’s a step. I really want to make friends but it’s been hard. I once tried on Reddit but for some reason only guys were responding and even though it was about having picnics and tea parties and I listed all the cute things I wanted to do, it seemed they were more Interested in romance! It’s crazy! That’s why I’m so apprehensive of writing on here but I’m not doing this for anyone but myself. I don’t know in any case I hope being in that group dispels some anxiety of mine and helps me start forming relationships. I’m really anxious I’m going to mess up cause I’m so excited for it. I feel like penny in how she wanted to paint nails and talk about cute boys. Same thing but it’s a process. On top of that I’m really into self improvement as well so I really want to find women like that first. I don’t mind being friends with guys, but it can be awkward when their straight so I want to avoid that to the best of my ability

Had a scare with my phone. It wasn’t turning on for a moment but then it worked after I told my mother! I’m hoping my aunt emails me the gift card that was for my birthday cause I don’t know how I can make it up to her after blocking her for so long. I can’t help but feel guilty. Unfortunately remembered my past today and what people have said about me and the things I did. I’m trying to move on but its hard when I remember the past. Also I keep hearing about the toxic parts of a relationship especially when it comes to men. I wish relationships weren’t so scary but honestly I don’t even need to be thinking about a relationship. I need to focus on loving myself more which lately has been a struggle. I guess not having friends that back me up and like me for me is getting to me. I see all these people and i wonder can I find people that will treat me as one of theirs? I don’t want the world just a friend or two. I’m trying to change some of my behaviors but I hate how people are like you are born this way like there’s nothing wrong with some of it but I want to be different. Also I’ve noticed a lot of habits that I have similar to my family. I’m hoping to change some of these behaviors so I can go after what I want in the future but I don’t know my father doesn’t know my style and got me this shirt I hate and I messed up my lip gloss and my mother only told me yesterday I was doing to much even though it seems like I wasn’t. It was pretty upsetting that I did too much though I felt like I did. I am really want to start wearing makeup out but I’m struggling to find a balance between not wearing makeup and wearing it. It’s been kind of hard because of outside messages but somehow I’ve been holding on. Today was kind of a hard day because of the toxic messages people have said in the past but I wrote letters and got my feelings out.

Totally forgot to do it today. I’m struggling with not feeling independent enough. I’m starting to hate more and more that my father is who I am depending on. This man is making fun of the way Chinese people talk trying to Mimic their accent when I’m just trying to enjoy a show and their beautiful culture. I asked him if I dated someone if he would act this way and he said he sees no color and was just having fun. I’m trying to learn the language and he’s to bothered by his own race and making fun of other people and their language. He also scoffed when i was watching Gilmore girls. This is why I don’t tell you anything and I want to get away from you. I haven’t watched Gilmore girls in days and I’m hoping to watch it some more because I want to. I’m watching a Chinese drama. But I’m starting to hate my father more and more as the days go by. I know other people see race and language but why do I have to? Because of how you were treated? Because of other people? How is that fair to me? Will I be able to learn other languages when he keeps joking about that?

Feeling sad, scared and alone today. I’m trying to find my woman try but to no avail. Unfortunately I can’t even talk to the people in the therapy group I’m in and I’m trying discord and I didn’t click with anyone tonight. I feel like I’m never going to find my tribe. My mom is going through a bad time at work and I’m worried she’s rubbing off on me. Her negativity and her slouched back can get to me. I just want to be positive and twirling with my friends. I want to be different from my mother who has no friends, though I still love her. She has huge trust issues and I’m scared because she’s said that we’re similar I want to be different. But is this the path I have to walk? Can I not go where I really want to go? I’m terrible at relationships and trying to blend in. I don’t know how to chill. I know relationships don’t happen overnight but still....... what must it be like to have someone you can trust, of the same gender as a friend? I feel so hopeless with what I’m surrounded by and there’s no escape. And I just have to accept the mess my parents have left me in. I wish friendships were easier

Feeling a bit messy today. My family eats sugar and puts it in a lot of things like seasonings and pasta. Feeling guilty because I had frozen yogurt from yogurtland and I have some doughnuts for Krispy Kreme. Trying to get in shape, but scared that I’m going to fall of of watching workout tutorials. I run everyday but I’m feeling guilty. I want fellow friends that do this but I’m scared I can’t find them. I hate feeling alone and not having a partner. It’s really hard not having a fitness buddy