Just some thoughts

So, I’m kind of mad at how my father treated my mother today. He asked her to move the suitcase which she made me do. I wasn’t careful so it kind of hurt. But I’m mad. Why do I have to move the suitcase when I’m a lady, or at least trying to be? I’m kind of traditional when it comes to this stuff. My parents just laughed it off and I was kind of upset. Like I know I can do what a man can but that doesn’t mean I want to. I know it’s silly but I feel like my father doesn’t treat my mother like a lady at all. there’s nothing wrong with being best friends with your romantic partner but can he be the one to do the heavy lifting? I want to be a lady and hopefully I earn the funds to complete my goal one day. To be honest. Because of my home situation, I don’t feel like I can be with anyone in life. I think I’m going to need some therapy. When you hear your mother complaining about her job all day, what can you do? When you hear her complaining how people are and the all of a sudden negative people or people that don’t want to build friendships up it’s like, did you pass that negativity on? I’m so tired of talking smack about people with my mother and talking about my family members behind their backs. I played bingo like my mom for the money and my dad made this face which made me upset like why do you have to do anything about that? He made us eat yogurtland and he pointed out how fast I was trying to leave. Like I want to be fit? Like I’m trying to become this vintage and kawaii style girl and it feels impossible. To be honest I kind of hate how they only got me one gift card for my birthday. Like they don’t know me anymore. I’m happy they care about me but they don’t like the same things I like at all or have the same dreams I have. My father just looks away from me when I talk about how I want to major in art or how I want to appreciate life more. Like he doesn’t believe me. I just want to get away from him. I hate how he handles our family. I’m hoping to get my drivers license soon but I have to put the work in I’m kinda scared but I have to try. I hope things go back to normal soon. I just want to run from my family and act like a lady in front of people even if that’s what I’m not. At least then maybe a man will be a gentleman. I hate how it seems normal to not value a woman in my household. Even though my father’s uneducated he forces my mom to go along with what she wants. And my mother acted like me having an opinion about what I said about wanting to move away was hurtful? Like I was just trying to explain my side and she’s so upset about how she’s not her that because I’m her child she’s making me shut up making me feel like I have to be just like her or at least listen to her opinions. I hate talking to my mother about what happens with her. I hate how close we are sometimes. I’m sorry if this makes me some kinda way but is it so bad to want a man that “simps” for you? Someone that cares about you and loves you and treats you like a queen? Is it bad to want friends. All I hear about is my mother’s failed relationships and how she’s putting herself behind for my father. What kind of role model is my mother being for me right now? She’s not valuing herself at all. I can’t stand being around her when she’s in her negativity moods is that wrong of me? I want to live my own life and get away from you and my father. I know I’ll able to love myself when I get away from my family. Because I don’t have friends and I tried asking for help from my grandmother she said she was right and that means that she talked about me to my father. I was a very different person in my youth. I’m getting disgusted by the environment that I’m in and honestly I just want to be a hermit at this point. I sometimes wonder, what’s the point in living. I was crying yesterday because I of how powerless I felt in this situation. I have a mother that constantly complains to me about her life in my ears with the headphones on and a father that just seems deaf to the needs of others and he is just disappointing to me as a man

I don’t have friends and I can’t pursue my hobbies or the clothes I want because I have no money. I’m hoping better days are ahead for me because I don’t know why I’m alive

I tried talking to someone who would listen, but all they thought was it was hard and gave some awful advice. They seemed to be younger than me, talking about their grades being awful when I wish I was in school. I hate that my education was taken from me. I don’t hold anything against them because they’re young but it was so unhelpful. I really need to see a therapist because my mother’s awful words about not being able to trust people is ringing in my head and it’s upsetting that I have spent a year with my family. It’s shown me that I need to get out and live a life of solitude. Honestly I don’t care about anything but being free from it all. I’m tired of always trying to tell my mother not to do anything. I’m tired of trying to give her advice. I need to take my own advice. I’m not her therapist I’m her kid. I’m tired of her talking to me like I’m her friend. I want girls my own age. I’m tired of being similar to my mother. I don’t know why I’m alive right now. What’s the point even? I hate my life because my father ruined it with his countless mistakes and my mother’s unneeded loyalty for some guy who doesn’t even treat her like a lady. I’m tired of doing what my father wants me to do. I’m tired of acting like my mother. Why did they have to have intercourse? Why did I have to be here? I feel like I can’t do anything

To try to be better. I don’t have a good therapist and the group therapy session was a bust. I don’t have anyone to cancel out my mother and her toxic beliefs. I’m still a kid, even if I am almost legally an adult. I played bingo like the woman and that disgusted me because it was like, Am I going to be like you? I don’t know why God just doesn’t end my misery. Why have me live? Why was I forced to be born in a world that is full of paradoxes? Why do I have to live this life? It’s not fair. No one hears my mother is too selfish and wants me to be too much like her. I hate it. Why do I have to be jealous of other women? Why can’t I just let them live in peace? I’m 20 but why do I still feel like a child that can’t do anything against my parents? Why did I have to be so close with my mother. Being around her seeing her misery is slowly killing me

She’s always miserable. I want to be happy but I have to see her. Have to deal with her moods. I hate that. I want to be happy all the time. And when I tell her how I want to move she gets mad at me and has an attitude at me, making me feel bad like I did something wrong. Is it so bad that I want to get away from you? You make me miserable! I hate being around you sometimes! But I can’t say that. Will I ever get over being hurt by what people do to me? I see how she reacts and I want to be different. I’m scared because I’m not in therapy or anything. I need help but it feels so hopeless. Why is God cruel? What’s the point in living when I’m surrounded by people who don’t love themselves and are used to fulfill the dreams of others. I hate being alive because I’m not free from my parents. I hate that I’m like them and I don’t know why I’m even on this planet anymore. I just want a peaceful quiet life somewhere private. Even if I’m alone at least I’ll be happy. But what’s the point in living when I’m surrounded by them? I need to get away from my family. It’s scary because they seem like the only safe place. But anywhere is better than the present. I hate my parents for what they’ve done to me. My mother says we are different but with a look like “why don’t you want to be like me?” You have major jealousy issues and insecurities that I’m scared you passed on to me. Im scared to have kids in the future when I’m surrounded by this. I hate having to silently cry my pain out because of this stupid situation. Both my parents are at fault even though my mother likes to think she’s innocent. Now she’s trying to make it seem like I can’t have a voice or be assertive because she can’t and I just don’t know why I’m on this earth. Why is such an evil being like me roaming this planet? I don’t know why I have to exist. It’s not fair that My parents got too happy. I wasn’t even supposed to be born I was a surprise. It’s not fair. Why couldn’t they ever consider how I felt about life? They’re so selfish with their actions. I’m too afraid to die but I don’t want to live if I can’t get to the future I want. I give up. I’m tired of dealing with my family. My sister is so lucky that she’s young and she doesn’t have to go through this. I have anxiety and I ruminate so I’m thinking about this. I want to be happy. I want to be positive. I don’t want to hear my mother talk about her problems to me anymore. Everytime she comes home I feel disappointed because I have to be the supportive eldest daughter. I can’t have fun with my friends like my sister does with hers because I have no one but myself. I want to be young and carefree. I want to be able to allow people who are older than me to be my friend so they can have the responsibility. I hate being the eldest and it’s unfair. My parents are selfish. It’s not fair I hate my role. I hate how I have no one to talk to about this. It’s upsetting that I messed up so badly when it came to building relationships and there’s nothing I can do. I hope I feel better. I can’t talk to my mother about her issues. I’m tired of her acting like her moods are so important and dampening my happiness. I’m tired of her thinking that she can be hurt because I want to leave. What is she teaching me about other people? That its ok for strangers to be responsible for making me happy? Well we see how my father has done so amazing. I want to be responsible for my own happiness but I care about her too much and I hate it

Definitely want to end this forum post on a positive note. I was not having enough faith in myself and my ability to overcome the odds. I am not my mother or my father. I can make decisions and choose actions that are different from them. I stopped playing bingo like my mother and I am learning how to be more aware of my surround and situations. Although I may not have access to therapy yet, I know that one day I may need to go to get these negative situations out my mind. In the mean time I will try my best help myself the best I can. I can overcome this situation even if I think it's hopeless. Thankful life is decent despite the problems that arises. Ok I'm done!