Letter I wrote to my boyfriend but can't send
This is all something Ive been wanting to get off my chest for some time now but I cant grow the balls to say it to your face because I dont know how a fight would go with you, and I know this would turn into one or you would just get angry at what I am talking to you about. These are little things but I know if I dont say things they will turn into much much bigger problems. I have been having a problem with your smoking lately and I have no idea how to say it to you. I have grown up in a house where both my parents smoked my whole life. I have watched my dad go through two packs a day and my mom sit in the hospital because she cant breath. Now, before I sound like a hypocrite, I know I said it doesnt bother me but for some reason you have been doing it more and more. You know Im not a smoker but you smoke almost every 10 minutes with me in the car right next to you. I am not a smoker and theres for a really really good reason, I love breathing air and not your second hand smoke. I cant say anything to you because its not my place to tell you to put the cigarette out but I have noticed how excessive it has been getting. Why? Why do you need to smoke so many cigarettes in one day. I have been left inside at restaurants, family parties and other places just so you can step outside. I just dont get it and I guess I never will. Being in your house makes me have headaches and I leave with a relief that I am breathing non smoke filled air. I leave your house smelling like smoke and not only have I noticed it but so have other people. What do I do, how do I love you so much and want to start a life with you but put up with watching you kill yourself every day
How do I handle this. How do I not bottle up these thoughts
@Penguin5052 Beautifully written. You've expressed real concerns and it sounds like they have created this fork in a road you once was so sure of. The last question you've posed in your letter is one that you need to answer yourself, though. It's not an easy question by any means, but it's a boundary you need to draw out with yourself in order for you to confidently move forward. Addiction is extremely powerful and all-encompassing; the desire to break these chains must come from the person they are attached to. In the event that he is unable to break them, it has absolutely nothing to do with you or his love for you, but rather it is 100% reflective of his own journey with himself. While smoking may be his choice, it is completely and whole-heartedly your choice on what you are and are not okay with. And after you have made that choice, if you find that you would be settling your values and/or turning your back on what makes you intrinsically you, then you will be faced with even more difficult decisions. You are allowed to approach him with your boundary and say,
"I understand that smoking is your choice, and only you can tell yourself when to stop. But fundamentally and morally, I am not okay with it. I have already seen the damage it does to people I love and it's killing me to know it's doing the same to you. I know I said differently before, but I was wrong. Your addiction is hurting me and I'm wanting to know if there is any hope of change."
The worst he can say is no. If he says he'll try, remember that the road to recovery is never a steady incline. There will be moments where he may "fall off the wagon", or even take a few steps back. What matters is the action he takes after these moments. If after these setbacks he continues on the path to remove this addiction from his life, then he is going in the right direction. If he is, and if you are willing to take this journey with him (which it sounds like you might be) then this would be the best outcome.
However, if he decides that he isn't ready to give up smoking, then you need to be okay with walking away in order to protect yourself. You are allowed to love him and love yourself at the same time. Walking away as a means to love yourself does not mean you love him any less. In fact, you are walking away to not only protect yourself, but to prevent yourself from possibly enabling him down this road any further.
The journey ahead of you won't be easy in the slightest. I'm currently traveling my own where I had to walk away, and it hurts a lot. But it doesn't hurt as much as it did when I was still enabling a situation I wasn't morally okay with. The road to recovery on our side isn't a steady incline either, and we will fall off quite a few times. But as long as we continue crawling towards a present where we are true to ourselves and are reaching for the type of love and life we deserve, we'll be okay. Good luck with everything. <3
