Life and death.

Life and death.

Hiya, my first boyfriend stamped on my head and kicked my face in, at the worst point of the relationship. I refused to let myself love my second boyfriend. After 6 months, I told him "I love you" and then the day after my friend murdered him.

My third relationship was quite different.. I was very in love very open about my past and very invested in family, turning my life around and settling down. I had a little boy but unfortunately my partner wasn't ready for those things and it was a very abusive, controlling and heart breaking relationship.

I've been single for the last 6 years now and sorting my life out. For the last year and a half I've been looking for ahusband, which has been a very difficult process so far.

Although I'm ready to be married, talking to people about marriage isn't going to well so far. The first time I spoke to someone I was having fits at night, and finding it extremely difficult to function and see clearly and was experiencing all different emotions very strongly.The second time I couldn't sleep, couldnt stop thinking, again was very emotional and finding it difficult to function. I don't know if it's just subconsciously triggering trauma, wheather I'm talking to the wrong people, whether I'm just not ready yet or whether it's just a cocktail of all these things. I have learnt a lot about marriage and theoretically understand if very well but when I try to apply these things practically it goes horribly wrong. If feels like the closer I get to a relationship the more my inner peace is tore apart.

​​​​​There isn't really a question here but any advice, help or if anyone has anything to point out, would be appreciated.

Thanks