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sunnySkies3894
3,551 M Seeking Light 2
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts218 Forum posts26 Forum upvotes12 Current upvotes12 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2018 Member sinceAugust 28, 2016
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Life and death.
Journals & Diaries / by sunnySkies3894
Last post
 October 5th, 2016
...See more Life and death. Hiya, my first boyfriend stamped on my head and kicked my face in, at the worst point of the relationship. I refused to let myself love my second boyfriend. After 6 months, I told him "I love you" and then the day after my friend murdered him. My third relationship was quite different.. I was very in love very open about my past and very invested in family, turning my life around and settling down. I had a little boy but unfortunately my partner wasn't ready for those things and it was a very abusive, controlling and heart breaking relationship. I've been single for the last 6 years now and sorting my life out. For the last year and a half I've been looking for ahusband, which has been a very difficult process so far. Although I'm ready to be married, talking to people about marriage isn't going to well so far. The first time I spoke to someone I was having fits at night, and finding it extremely difficult to function and see clearly and was experiencing all different emotions very strongly.The second time I couldn't sleep, couldnt stop thinking, again was very emotional and finding it difficult to function. I don't know if it's just subconsciously triggering trauma, wheather I'm talking to the wrong people, whether I'm just not ready yet or whether it's just a cocktail of all these things. I have learnt a lot about marriage and theoretically understand if very well but when I try to apply these things practically it goes horribly wrong. If feels like the closer I get to a relationship the more my inner peace is tore apart. ​​​​​There isn't really a question here but any advice, help or if anyone has anything to point out, would be appreciated. Thanks
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Life and death.
Trauma Support / by sunnySkies3894
Last post
 October 11th, 2016
...See more Hiya, my first boyfriend stamped on my head and kicked my face in, at the worst point of the relationship. I refused to let myself love my second boyfriend. After 6 months, I told him "I love you" and then the day after my friend murdered him. My third relationship was quite different.. I was very in love very open about my past and very invested in family, turning my life around and settling down. I had a little boy but unfortunately my partner wasn't ready for those things and it was a very abusive, controlling and heart breaking relationship. I've been single for the last 6 years now and sorting my life out. For the last year and a half I've been looking for ahusband, which has been a very difficult process so far. Although I'm ready to be married, talking to people about marriage isn't going to well so far. The first time I spoke to someone I was having fits at night, and finding it extremely difficult to function and see clearly and was experiencing all different emotions very strongly.The second time I couldn't sleep, couldnt stop thinking, again was very emotional and finding it difficult to function. I don't know if it's just subconsciously triggering trauma, wheather I'm talking to the wrong people, whether I'm just not ready yet or whether it's just a cocktail of all these things. I have learnt a lot about marriage and theoretically understand if very well but when I try to apply these things practically it goes horribly wrong. ​​​​​There isn't really a question here but any advice, help or if anyone has anything to point out, would be appreciated. Thanks
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How do I move forward with my relationships.
Relationship Stress / by sunnySkies3894
Last post
 October 5th, 2016
...See more Hiya. Anytime I speak like what I'm about to speak, whether it be online or with family members... I get the same response... Have you been to your doctor, are you seeing a therapist.. Which perplexs me in itself. Anyway... I hope someone can hear me out non-judgementally and with compassion. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, traits of emotionally unstable personality disorder and suffer from visual, audio and tactile hallucinations. I live alone with my son. I've harmed him in the past and it can be very confusing for us both as it can happen out of the blue and even sometimes when we are just sat chilling. I've got better and better at controlling it over the years and haven't physically hurt anyone for around four-six months. I was lay in my bed the other day with my son next to me, he was above the quilts, I was completely calm and all of a sudden I felt something wash over me and I wanted to punch him, so I shouted at him to get out of my room to protect him. If you can imagine a child at the side of the road, and their parent shouting at them because they are worried they are going to get run over.. It was kinda like that. But now he is really confused, he doesn't understand what he's done/doing wrong and neither do I and all I can do is push him away for his own safety. I haven't had friends for nearly two years, I'm isolated and I've been single for six years. I have recently tried to get married, but what decent man is going marry a women who hits and neglects her child, and how am I going to maintain a relationship if I use the same coping mechanism in relationships? I don't know how to move forward with my life. I am due to see a clinical psychologist in ten months.
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