Little’s Public Diary
I will be posting in here as frequently as I can (hopefully daily), in reply form. Feel free to read, comment, or skip past! Replies to my entries are welcome as well as appreciated. Some are happy entries, some are uncomfortable, and some may just be about my day! I’m not 100% sure if there are any TWs that I may miss, so please proceed with caution. I want this to be a space where I can express my true, raw emotions without filtering myself. Thank you for reading and stopping by! <3
About me: My first introduction post
Lastly I can’t promise the consistency of my tagging, but I will attempt to use the following:
[My Day] / [Pet Update] / [Life Update] (What kind of post/what its about)
[Positive] / [Negative] / [Vent] (The tone of the post)
[Yap] (just rambling / self explanatory I hope)
Yesterday my boyfriend and I were messing around when we were inspecting one of our aquariums. There was a pile of zip ties from our last project, and he said “oh I can make handcuffs with these!” I smiled excitedly at him and asked him to try. The moment he tightened the ties, I fell into a horrible panic attack. I was freaking out and trying my best to get out of the ties through my endless tears and hyperventilating. He cut them off immediately and held me close, apologizing many times, saying it was a dumb decision and he didn’t know why he did it. That only made me feel worse. It wasn’t his fault at all. We were just joking around and I ASKED him to do it, so why was he apologizing? It was my fault for freaking out. I was in a safe environment with the 1 man I trust more than anyone in the world, and yet I still panicked. I don’t want him to think it was his fault, but there’s nothing I can really do to convince him otherwise.
And this goes for every time i’m feeling down too. I feel like I'm letting him down, or making him believe that he isn’t doing enough for me, but he does more than enough. He gives me my will to live, a purpose in life, he makes me feel like the future is worth fighting for. He makes me a better person that I ever imagined I could be. He supports me emotionally, financially, physically, and even took me in to live with him, and our combined pets too. He is the best man I have ever met, and after tons of abusive relationships, I feel like I don’t deserve someone like him. I feel like I don’t deserve most things that I have in my life right now, yet I still find myself longing for more too. I want a job, I want college to be over, I want more pets, more clothes, more food, more electronics… I just feel so ungrateful yet undeserving at the same time.
I want to tell myself that I deserve the position I’m in, but is that even true? Who’s to say what I do or do not deserve other than myself? If I truly believe that I’m undeserving of these things and the poison I’m in, then why do I get to keep it? Am I potential mistreating the things and people around me with my own self destruction?
I don’t know what to do.
So I was bed rotting for a large portion of the day. I had a goal to try my best to eat at the bare minimum 3 small meals a day, but today I was having a hard time motivating myself to make something for lunch, and it was already 3pm. I thought maybe I would just skip, until I decided to just scroll through the site for a little longer. I checked back at one of my forum posts in poetry, and re-read the warmly caring reply that I got to it. It was a listener who replied and gave me some positive feedback! I checked out their profile and they had tons of great ratings/reviews, so I decided to reach out to them. Almost immediately I could feel my mood lifting, as I vented about the good- and the bad. Instead of telling me that I “needed to eat” or “stop bed rotting” he told me about how he went to Dairy Queen, and got yummy good AND ICECREAM!! I got excited thinking about the last time my boyfriend took me to Dairy Queen and how delicious the ice cream was. My stomach growled, and suddenly all the food I had sitting in the pantry sounded delicious. This listener was an expert on what they do, and that was suddenly made very clear. I ended the chat in appreciation, and made ramen (that I ate all of!) I’m looking forward towards being able to talk to that listener again. It also just makes me happy to have positive engagement (even if minimal) on something I worked hard on, that meant a lot to me personally.
