Living with Terminal Brain Cancer (Replies are welcome!)
Hey everyone, my name is Morgan. I'm a 25 year old lesbian living on the Gulf of Florida! On December 16th I was diagnosed with Glioblastoma Multiforme Stage 4C Terminal Brain Cancer, and B-Cell CLL. If you'd like to learn more about what those are, click on the links provided above!
I'm very outgoing, extremely sweet, and wear my heart on my sleeve. I would give everything I had to everyone if that was possible, and take away every single person's pain. No one deserves to feel alone, hopeless, helpless, and scared. I've been through my fair share of severe trauma, and it's rough, even to this day. If you head on over to my profile, you can see what I struggle with and read more about me 
I absolutely love to write, so be prepared for a lot of poetry in this thread. There are days when I may not be able to post at all due to how sick I am. It really all just depends. The reality of all this, is that, yes, I am dying. (Sooner than most) but, everyone dies eventually. The question you all are probably asking yourself is, "Is she scared?" To answer that, no. I am not. I have done extensive therapy, that I'm still continuing, to prepare me for what's to come.
↡ love ↡
"𝐸𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓎𝓌𝒽𝑒𝓇𝑒 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝑔𝑜, 𝒮𝓅𝓇𝑒𝒶𝒹 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒." ~ 𝓂.𝓈
With that being said, I decided to share my brain cancer awareness poem that I wrote last year below. Thank you, beautiful humans, for being here, and being alive. I am so proud of you, and YOU MATTER. ♡
~ Grey ~
The phone rings,
The clock dings,
I scream, scream, and scream:
I cant grasp what is real
I cant inhale the lives you steal
This game is like murder in the first degree,
On your knees, begging god to be set free.
I can barely feel the words you're expressing.
Your hand, holding on to mine stressing.
I crawl; I hide behind these moonstone walls,
Walking aimlessly, lost, down the same old halls.
---
I crawl - I remember -
Looking for a dream, where I wear combat boots,
Ready to kill all confrontation with nukes.
---
I am lost, do you know the feeling?
Once you hear, the C word your mind starts spinning.
You cant see whats going on,
Your smile is soon to be gone.
---
LOOK AT ME! Tears streaming while I fight,
Hold on tight, to the dead of this night.
Im down on my fallen knees,
A secret I can't keep, I drop and seize.
Breaking backs when I mention the word C.
Take me, and scatter me into the sea.
Its like getting struck by a freight train,
Over and over, get out of my brain!
---
Now here you are, taking me over.
Is it you or me waiting for the passover?
Heavy shoulders a violin press,
Scared and anxious feelings I repress.
Skin grey tight leather, now you caress,
My eyes are full of tears and pain I cant express.
Grey matters, just like pink.
In excruciating pain, to cope I drink.
My brain is a fire exploding in the dark,
Sweltering me, blazing me, shooting out sparks.
Leaving the world, all grey-ribbon tied.
Dimples and pretty lips, I drop the world and died.
Tears streaming, nose running, I grab tissues.
Filled with grey flowery issues.
This is the way that I feel, I am real…
You are a killer, my life you steal.
PLEASE GOD, I PLEAD FOR MY LIFE!
Thankful for friends to lean on;
And my this beautiful life.
Hiding until you are found,
Youre silent until were in the ground.
---
You sit there and shatter our lives,
As my brain gets stabbed over and over with knives.
Still, we walk together; strolling through grey loving skies.
Even though Im gone, my soul never dies.
Everybodys gone, Im all alone.
You are the undead: a painful groan.
Leading some of us into a watery grave,
Or getting carried away by the wind and the waves.
m.w // Grey // the C word
Copyright Registration #: dMK44BI0GuDr8amH
- Morgs 🕊️|| Everywhere you go, Spread love. ~ m.w 🐺
Speak to me in poetry,
Tangle me in rhyme.
Dance upon my senses,
Seduce me with your mind.
Lock me up with rhythm,
Make love personified.
Speak to me in poetry,
Wake me up inside.
m.w // poetic soul
- Morgs 🕊️|| Everywhere you go, Spread love. ~ m.w 🐺
Theres this void in my heart;
A terminal illness, I was bound to die from the start.
Day by day it slowly gets bigger;
And so the amount of pain it does trigger.
I dont consider this to be living;
And I think, Why is life so unforgiving?
But somehow I get through it.
Now that I think about it, there is one secret.
There is one thing that makes the pain all worthwhile;
And it never fails to give me a smile.
Always there when needed,
And without it I never would have succeeded.
This thing makes my pain subside and fills me with joy.
It makes me feel alive and not just a decoy.
It caresses me dearly;
Helps me see the world clearly.
Because of this thing; I continue to push through.
Don't be surprised when I say, this thing..
is you.
m.w // Im dying but you keep me alive // dedicated to all my loved ones.
- Morgs 🕊️|| Everywhere you go, Spread love. ~ m.w 🐺
A tear is such a fragile thing,
breaking at the slightest touch of emotion;
Its tender form cannot stand
the heat from a burning heart.
A tear is a shaky reed
which helplessly kneels
at the faintest call of the wind.
A tear is the body's snowflake,
the eye's vortex mixing with the dust of pain,
unique to each reddened eye,
uniting and condensing as snowy streams.
A tear is the spindly fairy's wing-
oval-shaped colored beauties
but with veins too frail to stop
its breaking at the break of wind.
A tear is a mirror of childhood--
that sacred stage of sublime innocence
where trust and love are toyed with,
forming a soul with a toy in hand!
The universe holds you, holds your tears;
with roses, china, bubbles, mirrors, eggs and silk.
And why place the eyelashes as sentinels,
guarding the enchanted optic gates
when they cannot hold back
a rushing army of tears?!
But I love this insubstantial nature of tears,
the vulnerability of its existence;
For those who cry; are brave and strong.
Those who do not ~ dont belong.
I like its limp form and timid heart:
For if it were made of steel,
with a heart that could not be broken;
If it were possible for it to scorn
the menacing battalions of fear and aches
which daily besiege its walls;
If the eye were an ocean instead of a river,
the world would have been;
one scoreless vast ocean of memories.
For unrestrained tears cleanse the eyes of the heart,
bringing wholeness to a troubled soul;
Relieving pain,
Even though its only temporary.
m.w // ocean of tears
- Morgs 🕊️|| Everywhere you go, Spread love. ~ m.w 🐺
@xoMorgs
Hey Morgan 
We've met a few times and I'm a friend of a friend. I am so moved by your story and I believe you bring so much light into this world..
I am keeping you in my thoughts and remember that you are loved by many.
All the best,
Em
@DangerMaus
AW, thank you so much, Maus! I remember you! You are such a wonderful human. Thank you for coming into my life when I needed all of you the most. You all are truly so wonderful. Thank you for following my journey ♡
~ A Guide to my Medical Stats ~
Since a lot of you don't know medical terminology, when I post my stats here, I wanted you guys to be able to know what the abbreviations stood for, and what the average human's NORMAL range for those, are. That way, when my stats are ABNORMAL, you'll understand a little better! I hope this helps ♡
Abbreviations:
Temp = Temperature
BP = Blood Pressure
HR = Heart Rate
o2 = Oxygen % Level
Normal Levels:
Temp: 98.6
BP: 120/80
HR: 90-110
o2: 96% - 100%
- Morgs 🕊️|| Everywhere you go, Spread love. ~ m.w 🐺
@xoMorgs I admire your strength and courage with what you're facing. You write beautifully - Thank you for sharing such beautifully written poems. I think you're amazing :)
@mytwistedsoul
Oh my goodnesssss, thank you so much! I am not always strong, trust me. I definitely do try to be, but I have days when I just completely fall apart. As for my writing, thank you again! It's really one of my biggest outlets, and I absolutely love poetry. I think you are amazing as well ♡
Sending all my love and light to you!
*hugs*
- Morgs 🕊️ || Everywhere you go, Spread love. ~ m.w 🐺
~ Stats Update ~
Thursday, June 25th, 2020 @ 7:40pm
Temp: 104
BP: 67/42
HR: 56
o2: 88%
- Morgs 🕊️ || Everywhere you go, Spread love. ~ m.w 🐺
@xoMorgs
Those stats are worrying. Still, I admire your strength and your openness. Thank you for sharing this with us
@Lexloveslife
I'll always be open with you guys, 7 cups is my family ♡ I'm happy to share! Thank you so much, Lex. XO
- Morgs 🕊️ ||
@xoMorgs. *sending you good thoughts and positive vibes*
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you so much, Soul ♡
- Morgs 🕊️ || Everywhere you go, Spread love. ~ m.w 🐺
@xoMorgs Hi , I'm 22 male , my name is Rahul . I hope you still live , even though doctors say otherwise . I myself have seen some insane sh1t myself , I have memory loss and some other things and I did 3 su1cides and ran away 30-40 times from home . I hope you have a happy and blessed life and live forever :) I can always wish for that
@cyanPlane9684
Hi Rahul! It's nice to meet you. I am so glad you're still with us. Please stay strong. You are a wonderful human ♡
- Morgs 🕊️ || Everywhere you go, Spread love. ~ m.w 🐺
@xoMorgs I have a favour to ask , I want you to search for cure even though your condition is terminal , I want you to be very stubborn and don't give up in your journey to search for cure , no matter what happens :)
@cyanPlane9684
I have never given up hope, and never given up searching, and trying everything for the past 3 years. I vow, and promise, to keep trying until the end.
- Morgs 🕊️ || Everywhere you go, Spread love. ~ m.w 🐺
@xoMorgs I hope your health gets better soon and hope you have a happy and blessed life :) My blessings are with you
I am so very sick today. My vitals/stats are bad, and I'm not doing well. We have a notary coming to our home to get my last will & testament signed and taken care of. I just wanted to say I love you guys so much, and thank you, 7cups, for saving my life (emotionally) for the past 4 years. I am will be forever grateful; no matter what happens.
Stats:
Temp: 104
BP: 70/55
HR: 60
o2: 76%
↡ love ↡
"𝐸𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓎𝓌𝒽𝑒𝓇𝑒 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝑔𝑜, 𝒮𝓅𝓇𝑒𝒶𝒹 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒." ~ 𝓂.𝓈
- Morgs 🕊️ ||
My body had shut down. I refuse pain killers, so, I endured every single thing I felt. The pain was beyond words, my chest felt like it was being stabbed and about to explode all at the same time.
I couldnt breathe. Then I had a burst of energy where I was hyperactive almost as if I were severe ADHD and Im not. Then I crashed again.
All my vitals spiraled and well thats when I was barely coherent, etc etc. It was a living nightmare for me, and everyone around me.
After all of this, and watching my fiancé bawling and freaking out because she didnt want me to die, watching my dearest friend become physically ill due to the stress of everything going on and me being on my death bed; I couldnt give up.
I fought and fought against it for a week guys, a week. And that may not sound like a long time; but when you are in that much pain and unable to breathe, and so sick, with your body shutting down feeling every single little thing; one second feels like a month. One minute feels like 6 months. 10 minutes feels like a whole year.
Anyways, due to all of the above and now my intense fear of dying, and not being able to bare the pain, I have decided to go back on my clinical trial. As soon as I started the medication, my stats rose, my vitals came up, and since then Ive been breathing on my own except for twice when I needed a little help from my friend o2. Lol.
The pain is still there; but its manageable. Well, MY type of manageable because Ive been dealing with this for so long.
I am terminal, and I know I dont have a lot of time left. But I bought myself time. As much as possible by doing the clinical trial.
I hate the way the meds make me feel, but I am not ready yet, even though I honestly thought I was. I am tired. So tired. I have no fight left in me. And now the meds are doing the fighting for me. So I get a tiny bit of a break.
Im an emotional wreck. Ive been crying oceans of tears since yesterday morning.
Today is no different. I am extremely depressed and cant get out of bed. I havent moved since I woke up. Ive just laid here, in silence, next to Cece, with tears streaming down my face.
Im not okay right now emotionally. In any way. This whole nightmare of a situation and me almost dying and other contributing factors completely broke me apart. I am so weak. I am so vulnerable. And all I want to do is cuddle, someone to hold me, and to sleep. I need a hug so badly.
So theres your update. I am officially back on my clinical trial, and alive. Because I became fearful of dying.
I love you all, more than you could ever imagine. From the bottom of my huge fucking heart. Thank you for being by my side through all of this with me. And to those who are physically around me even if its not a lot; thank you for never giving up on me and not being scared away because Im dying or because I have terminal cancer. I appreciate every single one of you.
↡ love ↡
"𝐸𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓎𝓌𝒽𝑒𝓇𝑒 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝑔𝑜, 𝒮𝓅𝓇𝑒𝒶𝒹 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒." ~ 𝓂.𝓈
I was going to post a poem I wrote yesterday, but after all of this, I'm too tired.
I'm sending my love and light to each and every one of you; whether you or going through something horrific, or not. Everyone deserves to know they are cared for, and loved. And I, absolutely without a doubt, love all of you.
Love, Morgs. ♡
- Morgs 🕊️ || Everywhere you go, Spread love. ~ m.w 🐺