Lupus' Diary

@LupusSkies- you are not alone fighting the procrastination monster. Yep- it is awful. Often those of us who fall into this category are perfectionists and it hampers our starting a project. You are not damaged- you are another human being with real life issues and challenges. Seeking professional help may be a step in the right direction- good luck to you. It helped me when I was really stuck.

Lupus' Diary - Second Entry

Supportive Replies are welcome (everything else is not).

**warning cause idk if this will end up triggering anyone who wants to read this. remember this is has a main purpose of being a personal space for me and my thoughts. some of the topics I will be talking about that I suffer with can be triggering or offensive to someone out there. I try to minimize it but I won't always be able to help it. Read at your own risk. And remember only supportive replies are welcome in my safe space.**

The past few days have been really tough.

Besides 7Cups and other sources on the internet, I only have 2 people I can really talk to about what I'm going through. My beloved partner, and my best friend. Therapy is not an option as its too expensive. I'm grateful for what I do have, but it sucks that I only have a couple things to turn to in a time of need.

I guess I just want to talk about what I do have, and how much I love them in my life. But I'm scared for them. I'm scared I'm too broken for them.

Last night I was sketching a bear, one animal that has a strong significance to me. And texting my partner, he's not able to be around most the time. In fact, for about 4 or 5 months neither of us were able to see the other. Me and him met a few times off and on throughout school, and he lived close by. Our relationship started during my last year of highschool, he still had a year left despite being older than me. Luckily he is homeschooled online so we still had more time to spend with each other because of that. We are both very "in-person communicators". We strongly dislike texting and calling, but when we have no other option, its what we turn to. It becomes useful when we're bored, just wanting to talk, one of us is away at work or a trip, or something similar. I sent him a photo of what I was doing and told him I was worried it wouldn't look good. He replied with a "You worry too much". Immediately out of instinct, I apologized. I started having an overwhelming breakdown and was lacking confidence in myself, and was very anxious. He has so much confidence and started pouring affection. And comfort onto me. Reminding me how amazing I am, telling me the way he sees me, bringing up how great of an artist I am. He made my emotions switch in a snap to happy and relieved. Grateful for his unending confidence. This is where I started crying, and told him that. He was so careful with his words and concerned for me. He kept talking with me for a few hours until he felt I'd be able to sleep peacefully. He is my strength.

Then there's my best friend, who I've known since I was in 6th grade. She's probably one of the sweetest, most outgoing people you'd meet. Then there's me, the shy and awkward person she's dragging along by the hand. Me and her are completely open about everything we have going on in life. And our partners are both okay with how much we share with each other two. They realize that we probably are inseperable. And both of our partners are friendly with each other, and friends with the opposite friend in this equation too. She lets me crash at her place whenever I need to just chill and calm down from the business of whatever the heck I have going on. She's always so patient with me and kind.

To be fair, her and my partner are probably the people I am closest to. In all aspects. We spend a lot of time with each other, and their respective partners, for physical stuff as well as emotional or casual events. I am omnisexual, my partner is bisexual. My best friend and her boyfriend are also bisexual.

Then there's places like 7cups or other internet things. No idea how forever grateful I am. I need this space so much. Each day, week, month, year... the more I stay here the more I realize about myself. The more I learn about finding support and how much I deserve to be supported. Thank you for existing 7cups.

I'm glad for the things I do have. But I fear that I stress out my beloved and my friend much more than they let on.

Please please please just let things be normal a bit. I'm fine with being messed up, but I fear for them more than me.

-- sincerly Lupus aka myself. Tomorrow will be another day. and another issue will be addressed and uncovered. Maybe we will find the peace we desperately are searching for. --

Lupus' Diary - Third Entry

Supportive Replies are welcome (everything else is not).

**warning cause idk if this will end up triggering anyone who wants to read this. remember this is has a main purpose of being a personal space for me and my thoughts. some of the topics I will be talking about that I suffer with can be triggering or offensive to someone out there. I try to minimize it but I won't always be able to help it. Read at your own risk. And remember only supportive replies are welcome in my safe space.**

Today I'm really missing what I've lost.

I've lost things that could have been. Why do what ifs and maybes and perhaps that occur hit me so damn hard? Like these things didn't even exist yet. How come I'm feeling the loss still?

Recently most everyone in my head (alters) have grown quiet. Only 6 out of the 15 even seem like they even exist anymore. They were the first ones I ever became aware of. It's weird with it being quiet. Idk if it's a bad thing or not. Or just means I'm getting used to my dissociation.

I just made a new friend a while ago. She reminds me of someone I used to know months ago. And I miss the person who is gone from this place, they're not a part of 7cups anymore. I started posts because of them. I felt safe here because of them. They were one of the few who I felt welcome with. This is silly ain't it? Yeah probably. I'm glad for the new friend, they also knew my old one and were close to them. It helps.

This is just gonna be a short one today. Cause I think if I talk more I'm gonna have myself cry. Or break down. I really don't want that right now.

-- sincerly Lupus aka myself. Tomorrow will be another day. and another issue will be addressed and uncovered. Maybe we will find the peace we desperately are searching for. --

Lupus' Diary - Fourth Entry

Supportive Replies are welcome (everything else is not).

**warning cause idk if this will end up triggering anyone who wants to read this. remember this is has a main purpose of being a personal space for me and my thoughts. some of the topics I will be talking about that I suffer with can be triggering or offensive to someone out there. I try to minimize it but I won't always be able to help it. Read at your own risk. And remember only supportive replies are welcome in my safe space.**

What is safe anymore? I'm questioning if 7cups is truly where I feel is safe. And I've shared so much. Been vulnerable so much. Opened up so much these past few years.

What hurts more? The fact I shared so much. The fact all that trust is being ripped away. Will I be more stable leaving? Or more stable forcing myself to stay?

Now if I leave. Do I just leave from the member side? Or like how most users here do, I have a listener account, how do I just up and leave all that I got going on? Will I hurt others more than I hurt me? How do I explain that? How do I tell the hundreds of people here that I'm just leaving, and maybe never coming back?

Am I that wrong of a person that I will start to not be accepted here? Aye it says forums and 1-1 are fine. As you can see, I suck at damn forums. And I dont have luck with listeners. No one really understand.

Perhaps its better to leave. Disappear. Be like a ghost.

Be like I was never here.

Oh I don't know what to do anymore. Most my "friends" are here.

I'm gonna go cry now.

-- sincerly Lupus aka myself. Tomorrow will be another day. and another issue will be addressed and uncovered. Maybe we will find the peace we desperately are searching for. --