《MY DIARY》
I feel that Im making a lot of progress by opening up and doing a lot of writting. My new concerns are many such as my inside voice saying things like stop whinning, or my paranoia telling me not to put all this personal informatiin online. There is a lot more, but I feel the need not to digress into that now. I'm alone right now and I know I tend to over think A LOT! So its best for me to really focus on my little routine. It seems to have been working for about 4 days and then I had a couple hickups; my body hurts to much and I end up with broken up sleep, and a little anxiety, worrying I might not be able to solve the hard daily challenges, and big ones coming up soon! The horrible thoughts when I first wake up takes real efforts until I get going and wake up more. Having physical disabilities and being alone, being broke, and having to find a place to move to, and no help lined up, all make it so hard to believe I can find a way to survive and overcome these challenges. I wanted to start this diary so i can make lists i need such as laying out my routine so i can see it and make adjustments. Making a list of all the things wrong with my apartment in case the landlord tries something illegal I can be prepared to file a complaint in court. Im overwhelmed and afraid of many things that have upcoming time limits. Ive met several helpful people on 7cups so I do have some smart members offering to help me.
I just couldnt sleep much last night so I gave up in the wee hours, and took my diuretic meds early so soon I can be done using the bathroom every ten minutes, and finally catch up on my sleep. I didnt want to write a book right now, but this was an ok start to remind me of important things that need my attention.
Make Lists
I wrote this to a listener but wanted it here to.
Some say im strong to be handling all these challenges but I find that we get forced through many bad situation like hunger, no food? Have to go get some. Cant sleep? You will be exhausted soon. I suffer a lot and thats one reason im worried i excepted helping this elderly women. I have to sleep on time or I cant be fully present while Im there. I must shop soon with a plan, and also have a supply food list for her day people to get. I need to dig out an old apnea machine or i will be pushed extra hard every morning, and after every 3 hr afternoon nap to empty the water and bring the machine back and fourth. Oh, i want to do this, but im so afraid it will have lots of hidden challanges. And im responsible not to let down her, of my friends.
@feelNeglected77
Last night I only got a little bit of sleep because I found myself tossing and turning so I just gave up and made some coffee. I know how important sticking to my routine is, but id rather get right up when im suffering badly and try to regroup. So i took my diuretic meds very early which usually make me a slave to the bathroom for 3+ hours, and then at about 8 am i know i will be depleated of energy so sleep will be easy then. Im getting better habits as im learning more about myself. Im getting glimpses of confidence, and moments of better control. Its a balancing thing i must have. I take very string pain medication that i hate to take but i can barely walk without it. Ive had to come to except this, it took a long time. I was hopelessly having anxiety all the past 1.5 years as i resisted exceptance of my disabilities because i was also dealing with severe depression. But im finding it had a lot to do with a combination if the low income i live on, the pain, and my being in denile of being disabled. I refused to be seen as weak by others, but think i couldnt except it, so was attempting to hide it from myself. I have neen so hard on myself. Just unexceptingbself loathing. But now I realize Im stronger inside and clearly see the challenges I must find a way to carefully create a self care routine that satisfies my health needs, and care.
Overwhelmed right now I just am mad at myself for trying. It all sounded so good, and as always I always say yes because I want to help. And then I get jury duty and I have only 1 ripped pare of jeans.
One thing I noticed is when Im struggling, some so-called friends treat me bad. They can't be real friends!
Forced myself to bed last night at a good time because my routine is so important. When i wake Its hard to move. I go take my Diuretics BP, Potasium, and Pain meds (4 pills). Ive been up for about 45 minutes but it usually takes me an hour and a half to be ok, then the bathroom visits go on and on every 10-15 minutes for 4-5 hours.
Once my body releases all that water, I can begin to move berr and the cool feeling in my legs replaces the heat and pressure.
So now, you would think I'd be ready to be productive right? Wrong😔 With the water, most of my energy has gone to and I've not eaten yet. I eat something like a .89c can of chili and take a 2-3 hr nap after I wash the dishes. I have no choice.
I wake up feeling better and jump in the shower and get presentable.
So here it is: I got to bed on time, woke up early enough, and took care of my needs.....But now it's 4:00 Wgere did the day go? I'm hungry, in a lot of pain, and so worried that not much got done!
@feelNeglected77
Repeat or stop this madness
I got a listener in the wee hours that did a mental grounding technique with me, and I soon felt my manic subsiding within more controled calming focusing. Being manic is like having a creativity explosion as your thoughts are focusing on what your doing but with a desperation, and a feel that what ever you're doing is very important so a feeling of responsibility to get right what ever you're trying to do. Its all or nothing in a way so no shortcut, ir determined shortcuts.
Its a feeling that is bad and scary but at the same time very much on alert which gives you the (reach-deep-for-reserves of energy) extra power to follow through while focusing and expressing under a microscope in of a detailed importance. Maybe Im rambling but It forces me to believe what ever i do or talk about needs extended explaination. Ive been know to write the never ending sentences when manic.
I am glad you started a real diary, it gives me an opportunity to know you better, your epic struggles, your strength that I always admired. You wrote "get presentable", it is something that you can do and I can no longer do...you were always strong myfriend, that's why I look up to you. It is not manic your drive, I think it is just artistic drive and you hit it right every time with your poems or the right gifs like the growing snowball in the last to post wins thread. You are there for everyone, not only your friends and yet you need so much more attention yourself. Iam glad that listener was with you and hope they still are as a friend of ours.
You are an inspiration for me and a model.
Am glad you have a true diary.
@beyondrepairs Thank you brother. You're much stronger than I am. I think the main reason Im loosing my mind about all this stress and having to move and my health, is my main fear of becoming homeless and my health. Im not sure how you rise up to help us all with what you face every day! You gotta know it your deep passion, fire in your heart, and fealess soul. Life damaged me deeply i have an invisible injury that makes me shake when i see potential problems. I just cave in. Freeze up, Sieze! I know Ive always had this because Im camera scared, stage frightened, and unable to defend myself. I do good when I have time to write, but when on the spot, i become useless. I grew up learning to speak with my fists, and so now i refuse confrontations because I know how they end with me wearing tight braclets, then sitting and becoming concrete. I sat inside 2,204 days and fully forsaken. I even spoke with my hands there until i learned that: "when in doubt, dont" Im stuck, fuc*ed, and any responce towards those that wrong me could end up in all the rest of my days inside again. I get great ideas, then take steps to start, and I freeze, sieze, blown away with the breeze. Insude Ive already given up, i just exsist brother. Im handicapped. I need somebody to take my hand and push me. I need to know its ok, i dont trust myself any more. I hope the diary helps me too. Im at a loss, broken inside. Its all over but no signing fat lady yet. Im still fighting, trying, struggling wiggling squirming in my live grave like a slave depraved. I cant shake it. Nobody is supposed to live through all this, but here I stand, with no plan, half a broken man. 😤
@feelNeglected77
All I see is good. Good writing, very intelligent, witty, helpful, dedicated, great matching gifs which make people glad and happy, you open up and are a true friend and help. You have shown to the world your true self and we took the time to know you, appreciate and love you and all the others appreciate your cheering positive presence.
I will avoid talking about me on your thread myfriend but you fought destiny and won. You are moving out of a toxic environment, help an elderly person dedicating your time and care. It is normal to feel stressed about moving and the unknown, but I feel it in my bones somehow things will turn allright for the better and you will be able to find calm and peace and confort.
May the force be with you
@beyondrepairs
I'll keep trying in life's trial
Although I keep living in denial
Shoveling this deep pile
For peace and calm just for a while
I call it Suffering in style
I can crawl another mile
Delete an unused file
Live for one more smile
But hear my obejections in this trial
@feelNeglected77
🤗
@beyondrepairs Just sent this to @Lazykatz too😊
@feelNeglected77
Just laughed with you both😶😀😁😂 @lazyKatz
You always cheer us up out of our dark moods...
@beyondrepairs
If it helps me to help my friends then things will be ok
Posting to eachother helps us pass another day
When we are feeling down
or feeling bad
Im sure we can all find a way
@TOGETHER😎🤗😋
@feelNeglected77
Great you must spend ages looking up all of these.
@lazyKatz
The poems are written
on the spot by me😊
The gifs I find are free
I enjoy twisting words to get a smile
😊😊😊
@feelNeglected77
You are too modest, @lazyKatz and I are thinking of all the efforts you make to find the right gifs, they might be free, but not so easy to find and fit neatly😉
@beyondrepairs
Self care means treating your reflection well.
@feelNeglected77
Bone shaking...
@beyondrepairs
I think you should go the her
And cheer up your kitty
Slept good, up at 4:30, eat, diuretic meds about done pushing me into the bathroom ever 10-15 minutes, emailed 6 more apartment ads, and now looking around at the tons of things i hoarded in 8 years, and wondering how to get rid of it all.
Stress - check
Tired again - check
I'm a realist, and try hard to be optimistic, but my finding a place to move, and getting moved in 50 days is really looking like a heck of a stretch. I have so many health issues, and fmy fnancial budget is a joke. I've been struggling for so long barely getting my bills paid, only left with $12-$15 dollars left after bills, so if anything goes wrong I'm at risk of being a homeless veteran. It doesn't seem fair. I've been so isolatdd because I don't even have gas money, even if I could find some bit of free social life. I cant even aford to drive to church. God has managed to keep me safe, fed, and housed, but I'm just so depressed and my challanfes are to great. I pray to keep my faith, it had kept me in this struggle for a long time. I lean on the word which helps to keep anxiety attacks from causing further pain most of the time. I like this verse very much
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
Stress - check
Tired again - check
Time for a 2 hour nap - check
See ya all later 🖐
@feelNeglected77
