《MY DIARY》
I feel that Im making a lot of progress by opening up and doing a lot of writting. My new concerns are many such as my inside voice saying things like stop whinning, or my paranoia telling me not to put all this personal informatiin online. There is a lot more, but I feel the need not to digress into that now. I'm alone right now and I know I tend to over think A LOT! So its best for me to really focus on my little routine. It seems to have been working for about 4 days and then I had a couple hickups; my body hurts to much and I end up with broken up sleep, and a little anxiety, worrying I might not be able to solve the hard daily challenges, and big ones coming up soon! The horrible thoughts when I first wake up takes real efforts until I get going and wake up more. Having physical disabilities and being alone, being broke, and having to find a place to move to, and no help lined up, all make it so hard to believe I can find a way to survive and overcome these challenges. I wanted to start this diary so i can make lists i need such as laying out my routine so i can see it and make adjustments. Making a list of all the things wrong with my apartment in case the landlord tries something illegal I can be prepared to file a complaint in court. Im overwhelmed and afraid of many things that have upcoming time limits. Ive met several helpful people on 7cups so I do have some smart members offering to help me.
I just couldnt sleep much last night so I gave up in the wee hours, and took my diuretic meds early so soon I can be done using the bathroom every ten minutes, and finally catch up on my sleep. I didnt want to write a book right now, but this was an ok start to remind me of important things that need my attention.
Make Lists
A 2hr nap ended up being 3.5hrs and that isnt the refuge I need because pain become more aware when your in a quiet place with a mask tight on your face.
ALONE
Alone by myself, here I sit
Im at a loss in a bad set of circumstances and feel like the help just isnt available to me because how others percieve how I look. I really need some help. Everytime I try to think to make any move to try, I get a little qiver and then digress right away and feel paralyzed. In short: i lost everything, was injustly incarcerated, lost 7 people in my family due to suicide. Im disabled, alone, isolated, and need to move in 49 days. I keep feeling defeated, no will to live, suicidal, homicidal, idiation, on long term pain managment, ive been used, abused, and misjudged. Should I just call it quits? I feel like a real man would know the answer, and except his fate like a man.
@feelNeglected77
A "real man" with the courage to do it will miss spending time on 7cups with fruends, will miss simple peanut butter&jam sandwitches and other small pleasures...hower hard it is, I think in the story of life it's worth to find out what the next page brings...
@beyondrepairs
49 days left till I have to move and making no progress, a home full of memories cant sell for a dollar just look at me and laugh as it calls me a fool. What will happen in 49 day? I feel the top will finally blow off and reality will seize my heart, or I will blow and seize theirs. If i can hold on for 49 days playing on 7cups like it isnt all headed me way.
Oh well, i must decide each day: should i go into full anxiety, or say Fk it and ignore the stress and log back on here to say hi to my brother wolf and sister Katz.
Id rather spend time with you both, indeed I would 😁
@feelNeglected77
That looks so much like one of my cats Hector even his collar looks the same
@lazyKatz Coincidence? I think not 😉
@feelNeglected77
You need to focus on unpleasant things and the reward will be greater once you deal with them...hiding dirt under the carpet does no good...we, your friends will always be here for you but you may try to focus on your immediate sting for now...get your engines up to speed and deal with it...you will feel much better...once someone told me: there is no problem without a solution...we will be here for you but we cannot physically help you, so you need to find the strength to fix tgis and you will feel much better after the effort, it will be worth it...
@beyondrepairs
Inside im deceased already, my outside hasnt gotten the memo yet. I know your right about it. I really do. But im so hurt by all the people that springboarded their lives off of me and abandoned me in tge dust. Im not sure i will ever change, so i will help the next group, and they will leave after im all used up again. I really dont want to be here. I havent the will or the strength. When i start to feel alive, i want the oposite, so i retreat back to doing nother because if i ignore it, i wont break. Im prolonging now, trying not to let it break me. I standed and started to go through my things but pain stopped me in my tracks inside 5 minutes. Im so determined, then try again,band realize my physical limitaions rival my fighting spirit. My state seems to know by the numbers that the more they dont help, soon the less there are to help. We dont ladt, and they save millions
@feelNeglected77
I know...
I decided to go to a chatroom, I felt lost as messages flew by, 17 people were in there so i waited to be welcomed in. I clicked some hearts and said hi. A full 30 minutes passed but nobody said hello. No welcome at all. As i was saying goodbye I got a couple replies. Im not sure I could ever enjoy a chatroom.
@feelNeglected77
You don't want to swim the chat rooms dirty waters yet myfriend...those are for me if I will decide to go there again...someday they will change but it is up to the mods...I am sad no mod took you under their wings...seems things have regressed again...
@beyondrepairs
I've tried using the chatrooms but lose connection very quickly for some reason.
@lazyKatz @beyondrepairs
I think the chatrooms are being controled in the wrong ways. No good.
@beyondrepairs
The guy that said he was going to finish and have a room ready said this when i asked if its was going to be done.
Him: Do what you have to do. .. I have not heard anything from bank and I don't know what to tell you. We are having a blizzard now. I will let you know when I know. I do hope you are doing well. My carpenter/friend/neighbor can build in less than a month but I have to get before I do anything.
Talk to ya sometime soon
Me: Id really like to move there, but need to know it will be there to move to lol
Him: U have to decide what you wanna do. Sorry
@feelNeglected77
What my life taught me was never to put all my eggs in one basket and be prepared for the unexpected...you may try to keep searching for solutions, even if you are not religious, some churches help people in need by just spreading the word if nothing better so you might try that too. No need to be religious.
@beyondrepairs
Im still just so angry that the landlord turned this all around back on me. Two free months rent is cool, but so, why didnt he just spend that money on repairs and keep my money flowing his pocket. Or just lower the rent . Now im struggling and scared to moving in the winter and this stress added to all my already depressed life has been like backing me into a corner. I might end up moving only what i need and leaving him all my belongings and a big messm I cant do all of this by myself, and my friends instead of helping have added the responsibilities of caring fir their grandma. They dont get how hard this will be for me dragging my sleep machine back and forth and taking time away from my apt. search. I will earn a few dollars which is good. Im overweight, sick, can barely walk,
@beyondrepairs
Thank you, I have a petsonal relationship with our creator. I read the bible as its written in a father to son way thats comforting. Just got a chat from Jenny 😊 brb
@feelNeglected77
I have a personal relationship with our creator too, I hate him😉.
"All the bad is for the good". This stress he is causing you is a good thing for you to move out of his toxic proximity and presence. Your life will improve near nicer people...
"Necessity and despair" are goid teachers...it worked for me in life so many times when I had to do everything by myself...
"A story untold is a story unknown" Make your story known. Talk to the family of the elderly nice lady and tell them what is eating you. They may not be able to help, but they spread your story to their bubbles of entourage people and so on and like me, they can vouch for you and put a good word in, if nothing else, becayse they know you.
If you want bible citations "god helps the one who helps himself", as long as you do something, statistically smth should happen. Inactivity and self pitty and admittance are as deadly as loneliness.
I am not religious. Before settling in Canada my cousin first immigrated to USA in Detroit. In his despair he reached to a church and they gave him food and found him a decent shelter without asking him for money or to convert or anything. Just simple pure help. Beware of cons and churches who ask you for money or joining them. You say thank you but no, thank you...you find churches who help without asking anything in return..
There is a story in my country's folklore. It's called the "salt boulder". A weary traveller reached a remote house at night and looking for shelter he went in. He found a familly in distress, relatives shouting, crying and yelling. He asked: "Dear people, what's wrong?", "Can't you see, the baby's craddle lies next to the cupboard and on top of the cupboard is that precariously ballanced salt boulder. What if the boulder falls on the infant?"
The stranger wanderer reached out, moved the cradle from the cupboard then reached for the salt boulder and brought it down..."There, it's all you had to do..."
I know from my own situation that that is not so simple as that but doing nothing sure resolves nothing...we get so immersed and entangled in our anxiety, so captured in the despair of the event that we forget to take a step back and find a solution...
@beyondrepairs
I just talked with Jsunrise and you both are right. The more i make myself vulnerable, the more crap will settle on me. I need to put the anxiety aside. I have bern working on that, but now i need to step farther away. Its hard to trust myself because others keep coming at me looking at me to demean, once weakened, they get what they want and im left for more of the crap pilliing. Im on my own, i need to hear my own voice defending myself from them all. I need to get back my confudence as fast as it left me,vand take my new spirut out far enough to have a look from a distance. Im on my own, but i never used to be this week. Ok, thanks my friends. I will try again and fake it till i make it, then hold on to it🖒👋😁
@feelNeglected77
It will be worth your effort this time my friend. We have a saying: "change the place and change your fortune"...
Make this effort to get out of that toxic environment and we your friends will always be here with you and you can enjoy our company in peace. Untill then we are always with you in all your struggles. If you are overwhelmed by "advice" is all we can give for now and our empathetic simpathy...😔😔😔 it hurts me inside that I cannnot cone over there and get you a house...hurting frustrating...
You have become a presence on 7cups, lots of people like you alot and your threads roll like snowballs down the hill...
@beyondrepairs
Thank you brother! Having a big brother is a confort. I have an older brother that passed away a few hours after birth and i always felt his presence and wished to hear his words at time in my life like this. You provide the voice and Ive adopted you as my big brother for all time. I feel the strength you send to me, and it is real. I really appreciate the advice and support only a brother can give.
Even if we all are in an avalanche , we are still together, and able to laugh about it
@feelNeglected77
I just read in a wisdom thread that people fit in our lives like puzzle...
@beyondrepairs
Yes indeed they (we) do. And from the end of something comes the begining of something. Im holding on tight so when im moved settled and at peacd we can enjoy the glory together. I know its hard for us all but we give eachother strength
@feelNeglected77
After every storm comes calm and peace...
@beyondrepairs
But, I wanted the peace first
Darn darn darn 😙
OK, ive got the boots and raingear you loaned on now. So Storm; "let's have it"!
@feelNeglected77
We have the tail end just strong winds for a while .
@lazyKatz you are with us🤗😊
@beyondrepairs
Of course a fresh bottle of whiskey in the bar otherwise known as the landing and I'm ready to play.
@lazyKatz
The wind earlier were incredable 😲 its calming down now
@beyondrepairs @lazykatz @jennysunrise8
Jenny and I have been so busy trying to figure out a good way to write an apsrtment wanted ad together. Any ideas? Can we write the perfect ad together
@feelNeglected77
"Are you nice people? So am I. Do you have an extra room to spare, I should be grateful if you consider me. I am a veteran, partially disabled and may need a little help with groceries from time to time. However, I am fun to be with, bright and intelligent, sociable and kind to people, funny and outgoing. My hobbies are poetry, art, socialising and my favourite crafts are leather art. If you are a true human being why not contact me and get to know me and you will not regret opening the door to a room in your house for me"
@beyondrepairs
@jennysunrise8
It must be dramatic and unusual to capture attention and interest yet soft enough not to freak people out but just wake them up from their imbecility😉
@beyondrepairs
Wow, thats really nice, i see how it softens them up and humanizes me. I tend to be a bit to factual, but im working on it. Oh to dream of living in a place where im apreciating their kindness and tgey are appreciatin my contributions, while being understanding of my physical challenges and excepting me knowing that my heart soul, and my word are trustworthy. Thank you so very much for this. I sent out some very basic responces to ads tonight. Now to get people seek me would be great if they respond to my ad instead.😊 just made a frozen pizza and settling in. I will be back soon 🖒
@feelNeglected77
You also like light cooking, you just need genuine recomendations from people who really got to know you...make use of the family of your elderly lady friend, let them write a letter for you and spread the word. We who got to know you would certainly vouch for you...
@beyondrepairs
Great idea!!@
I imagine you want a quiet apartment for one person
on a long term basis.
@lazyKatz
Yes, long term partailly disabled veteran looking for a safe caring helpful room to share in a happy home. I take care of my needs fully but could use a.little help with food shopping, just a kind situation wanted
@feelNeglected77
Could you maybe suggest ways you could help maybe having mail delivered to your address when no-one is in to receive it.y neighbours have things delivered to my address and find it helpful
@lazyKatz
I dont have a mailbox, my landlord gives it to me, its part of how he hides the fact this is a real apartment, so he pays no taxes
@feelNeglected77
I'll carry on giving it some thought.
@lazyKatz @beyondrepairs
Thank you. I just get so mixed up in my attempts to do things right, they get stuck inside and analyzed until i cant even move because of all the possibilities.
I know one step at a time is what i have to do, not think of a hundred worries.
Thanks for any ideas. Ive got to get off and get searching again bye bye
@feelNeglected77
Sleep well
@lazyKatz
You guys enjoy ! 🐅🐺
@lazyKatz
That is a very good idea...As I traveled alot I found that very useful...
@beyondrepairs
I cant count the number of apartment ads ive responded to so far, but ive only gotten a few responces. Im wondering if people dont want to rent to disabled, that word could be scaring them! I need a simpler, calm, arms-length away. Yet kind and respect group of better words to start using. Ill research that and write a few keeping that in mind tomorrow. Have fun brother, you touch the lives of so many people on this site, and make all of our lives better with your kind insights
Talk with yoon brother.! ENJOY 😎
Yup, Im lucky to have real friends on 7cups! Real and I choose them as the only family I have. Trust worthy and encouraging: that's what some real family just doesn't understand. We are supposed to have eachother's backs. In good and bad times. I look back to the people ive helped in their desperate times of need, that later infiltrated my family because I trusted them, and they broke every bobd bros just arent supposed to. And i end upnfeeling bad about myself? How stupis am i? I shoulda gone straight to thier jaw with that kind of betrayal. But nope, i walk away so heartbroken and hurt that i cant even fight any more. I need to fight again in new ways, in a new light
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@beyondrepairs
Folks like us; We don't run! Its all the same, blue.......grey. it really don't matter at the end of the day. Born...........sell this.......buy that. then done in for just the same. it's just that simple. But inbetween we seem to find strength. We find love, and we dream. We see a place that really matters. We spend our life trying to find it. We are not really afraid. We live on our rage. Ive grown tired reading. Page after page after page after page. Then that day comes at a ripe middle age. We regret not having done things. We get stuck looking back. A feeling takes us over, we cannot shake. Decending upon us, wrapping around like a big old snake. Will we make ut, or break, for goodness sake forsaken. Can we rise up above this painful state? Will help come a running or do we diee at the stake? Well, I don't but I won't run just the same 😉
@feelNeglected77
You always speak the truth wrapped in art...
@beyondrepairs
Thanks brother!
They keep on pushing me
Im faced with this fact
I cant pull these ivory knifes out of my back
So i keep on writting while i have a voice
Reveiling the truth
They have no choice
When they meet their makers
Im sure of one thing
They will be punished
For every dam thing
@feelNeglected77
Words stab deeper than knives...
Curses destroy and end lifes...
Broken spirits live forever...
For bad spirits...
Don't bother us ever...
@beyondrepairs
You are a very special person that has deep understanding of life and here after. I will look for you on the other side and would be honored to be in your company when those days arrive. But were here now. And we will survive, we help eachother each day and it fills me inside. Thank you my brother, i share with you this power and hope that are wisdom will carry through every tuff hour
@feelNeglected77
We get the devils by the horns,
Fire dragons my mind borns,
Grab the devils by the tails,
Ride them, spill their entrails...
The reaoer fears me...
Devils down there do not want me...
@beyondrepairs 😁
There it is, yes my friend
Kicking drangon rear ends
Using horns to hang your hat
And a snake holds your trousers
Imagine that 😉
@feelNeglected77
Crocodile dundee...
@beyondrepairs
@feelNeglected77
Miss his knife...
Fear nothing
Run never
Hold steady
Be clever
Brothers Lift
Standing strong
Souls dictate right from wrong
@feelNeglected77
Truth breathing dragons...
@beyondrepairs
@feelNeglected77
Lovely...
@beyondrepairs
Took a while to find just the right honest dragon 😉
@feelNeglected77
I love it😶
