《MY DIARY》
I feel that Im making a lot of progress by opening up and doing a lot of writting. My new concerns are many such as my inside voice saying things like stop whinning, or my paranoia telling me not to put all this personal informatiin online. There is a lot more, but I feel the need not to digress into that now. I'm alone right now and I know I tend to over think A LOT! So its best for me to really focus on my little routine. It seems to have been working for about 4 days and then I had a couple hickups; my body hurts to much and I end up with broken up sleep, and a little anxiety, worrying I might not be able to solve the hard daily challenges, and big ones coming up soon! The horrible thoughts when I first wake up takes real efforts until I get going and wake up more. Having physical disabilities and being alone, being broke, and having to find a place to move to, and no help lined up, all make it so hard to believe I can find a way to survive and overcome these challenges. I wanted to start this diary so i can make lists i need such as laying out my routine so i can see it and make adjustments. Making a list of all the things wrong with my apartment in case the landlord tries something illegal I can be prepared to file a complaint in court. Im overwhelmed and afraid of many things that have upcoming time limits. Ive met several helpful people on 7cups so I do have some smart members offering to help me.
I just couldnt sleep much last night so I gave up in the wee hours, and took my diuretic meds early so soon I can be done using the bathroom every ten minutes, and finally catch up on my sleep. I didnt want to write a book right now, but this was an ok start to remind me of important things that need my attention.
Make Lists
Remember this...The greatest Avatar hero was a disabled vet...
I really cant take all the pressure i feel any more. Something had to give in and i think its going to be me. Im screwed up and cant deal with all of this. I may have wrong about everything all along. What the f is wrong with me? I really thought it wasnt me, but what if it is? I dont fit in. I cant find a nice group of people that can simply be nice without expecting to take more than i have. Im not a taker, im a giver, but im broken and i avoid dram with such a passion that i cant seem to say no when people want something. Its probably because i have no goals ir wants that i find time to help when people ask. Maybe i need to feel needed so bad that i did so much for others they expected it. Im so tired of feeling sick, in pain, cant breath, cant move and stressed out. I fn cant take this no more. Cant get any real help, dont know who else to waste time asking. It took a lot for me to even adk for help, then i noticed people are immuned to other peoples problems. We are on our own. If this is the raw truth, than ive been doing life all wrong. Maybe i need to start making demands, being loud, and using people....But thats not me. Cant a person live in peace? What the f, why is this so complicated? A hand full of meds could put a stop to all this madness. Jyst f be done. Hopes up, knocked back down, good news followed by stipulations i cant do. Nice to my face, another stab in the back. F F. F. F. F. F & F
@feelNeglected77
😔😔😔😔...it hurts inside not being able to physically help you...maddening frustrating..I am like you, only you are so much better than me...pangs of despair...😔😔
@beyondrepairs
I know bro, thank you. I just am in such a unique situation. Cant make this sht up. I have to react soon or i will implode. Id rather show them all why they should been kind
@feelNeglected77
It is very sad because you are such a nice person to be with, I would welcome you in my house...
Dang...😔😔😔
@beyondrepairs
I guess im just rough around the edges, or users like me when they are using. Im very trustworthy kind and honest. But people like that feel threatened by honesty. They feel like they should just use me and take the credit instead of feeling i some how (by comparison) expose their imoral ways. I can only guess what i sence, and wonder why
@feelNeglected77
It's your destiny and people who cannot apreciate you just threw away a gem....😔😔, I would really have liked to welcome you in my house, no rent...
I have a small one room apt that I rent. I always chose people imn need. Once I chose an irakian doctor who opened his own kebab place...people toldme not to rent to arab terrorists but we in my country always welcome everyone. Now my apt is rented to asingle mother with two small toddlers...I rented to her because noone want to rent to people with small children since they break stuff and write on the walls...but I did, because I like to help people in need...she was so desperate she bid me over my demanded rent but I refused her overbid offer, just accepted her..
@beyondrepairs
Thats so kind to help them get a leg up! People respond so much better after they are shown the matter. You taught her that because you care about their wellbeing, she will care even more as she realizes their value from your example
@feelNeglected77
And yes she does, had no problems with her...or any of my former tenants...
@beyondrepairs
20 minutes ago 15 feet from where im sitting my land lord was leaning out his sluder door to tge deck we share shooting bird for no reason. I didnt bother to even look today, but yesterday morning he was doing the same thing and i carefully got photos and video......just in case
I have 2 phones full of evidence, but cant bring myself to break from how i was brought up. I cant seem to turn him in. But im suffering greatly by his actions. Im tempted lately to take him o*t
@feelNeglected77
Let him be...life has its own way to get justice...
Someday...oneday...+TX...
Let him be...
@beyondrepairs #PEACE
@feelNeglected77
Gogilla...(Gozzila...)
@beyondrepairs
........Or not
@feelNeglected77
Ty...
@feelNeglected77
Black foot indian village
@feelNeglected77
I like your beatiful mind and imagination, creating beatiful worlds...I am not capable of that but you are, choosing amazing or funny gifs for us...you are feeding us with your soul...
@beyondrepairs
like I said, you're good with words....
@beyondrepairs
Its great to interact with photos and caring with friends. Inside they gave me a few nicknames, one was teacher 😊 I guess i like educated distractions. Thanks for the compliments! They mean a lot more coming from my smart big brother!!!
@feelNeglected77
smart big brother?
@norawinters2000
beyondrepairs is my brother 😊
@feelNeglected77
ohh
@norawinters2000
I am not smart but he is trying to be nice to me😉
@feelNeglected77
Fitting nick "teacher", I like that and people appreciate you by saying that..
@feelNeglected77
A tomahawk pipe would fit nice by now...
@beyondrepairs
Blackfoot Indian tribe was known to be great warriors. Bands were social units of the Blackfoot that usually consists of between 80 and 240 people. The band needed to be large enough to defend against enemies, but still small enough to be flexible. Each band had their own leader. They were defined by their residence rather than by family, so members could freely leave one band to join another. Because of this, bands were constantly changing members.
The Blackfoot Indian's pipe is called the thunder pipe seen in this photo in his right hand. Tribes were nomadic, meaning they moved frequently. They did this in order to follow the herds of buffalo. During the winter, the Blackfoot Indian tribes lived close to a river valley, only leaving if food for the band or animals ran out. When Spring came, the bands would hunt the buffalo that had started to move out into the grasslands.
@feelNeglected77
gosh! I love reading this ❤️
@norawinters2000
Indeed😉
@beyondrepairs
Make it a fun fake name and ill bless it 😉
@feelNeglected77
Amazing colours in a nautilus...precious...
@beyondrepairs
This is an Ammonite, they are related to the Nautulus. The Black foot Indians for which I am part, cherrished this wonder so called Buffalo-Stone. Black foot indians are the only tribe that has 1 princess in each tribe. The buffalo stone and princess were important to their suvival by sucessful buffalo hunts. Story goes: The princess would go seek a stone and vision to find the buffalo hetd. "There, at the base of a cottonwood tree at the edge in the stream the young black foot princess discovered a shimmering, colorful stone. The singing spirit explained that the stone would bring fortune to her people. The woman listened as the spirit instructed her in its use for medicine and for calling the buffalo.
Upon returning to her village with the sacred treasure, the woman presented Iniskim (buffalo stone) to her elders, who promptly heeded the spirit's words and performed a buffalo ceremony.
The next morning, a large herd of buffalo presented itself to the tribe, it wss pushed to a small valley over the cliff. Hope was restored, and a new talisman was assimilated into Blackfoot tradition. Since that day the Blackfoot have carried ammolite, secured within the hide of a buffalo, to use in their hunting ceremonies.
@feelNeglected77
that is soooo interesting!
@feelNeglected77
I'm gonna read about the Blackfoot Indians now....
@feelNeglected77
This is wonderful!!!🤗😊😀 I learn things
Iniskim
@beyondrepairs 😁
Yes, you're right the iniskim or ammonite was officially given gemstone status in 1981.
@feelNeglected77 wow
@norawinters2000
@feelNeglected77
thanks.... that's a beautiful picture!
@norawinters2000
Your welcome! 😊
How!...
No I know why you have such a wonderful, good, kind soul...
@beyondrepairs
You know that you know me well, and I appreciate your very kind brotherly guidance a great deal. Im scared that the good folks that are not willing to break the rules cannot survive when challenges are unfairly looked at as shameful. Its easy for people to keep turning me away. I communicate well, but have not found my fit, and my days are numbered not to about 46 left to get a place to live that will let me be me. I dont bother anybody. I just nurse my wounds the best I can, and try my best. My best just isnt getting much done. I will end up loosing anything I cant fit in my car, and sleeping in it with the occasional motel for a shower until my money runs out. Ill have no internet or phone, and be afraid to drive because of worries my car might break down. My health will decline fast without my apnea machine to sleep with. As i run out of money, and run out of resources, and my health is to painful to continue, i may use my last $100 to buy some illegal drugs and just give up by OD.
Im scared to deathh
The days fly by as I try try try
Im so worried, I dont dare cry
To save my life, I cannot lie
Every day asking myself why why why
@feelNeglected77
Reading this wrecks havoc deep inside my soul...
@beyondrepairs
I dont want to be, and shouldnt have to be complaing or suffering. When we work we pay taxes just in case something happens to our health or an accident that prevents us from working. Too many criminals in the system stealing the money ends up with a system that impossible to live on. They further destroyed the services systems, and mental health availability: and for which they push us into depression by the lack of giving us enough to survive in any kind of a happy way. It is day to day worry. Its been hard to except being disabled, and already I cannot enjoy the things that brought me joy, and ive had to be reduced to asking for help, then begging for it, then being mistreated and they attempt to shame us for having health problems. If they shame, and negleck long enough we; instead of still asking why, we just curl up and diie, then they save more money and can steal more 😔
@feelNeglected77
How!..😔😔😔
Some day we will laugh at this my friend...I am extremely angry now...
@beyondrepairs
I hope so, i dont want them to beat me, continue to mistreat me. But i dont want to become bad to survive so then they can say " see he is bad thats why we didnt help"They twist jab and kick us when we are down then they yell at us to get off of the ground and tgey blame us for their evil ways and push us to the limit, tgen count down the days
@feelNeglected77
Be who you are and the good ones will know...the rest don't matter...
Yes, I see what you're saying my brother
@beyondrepairs