M

10th September

It's weird how things can go. How you can technically be surrounded by so many people, yet still feel like you are alone. That's basically what happened today. I was intereacting with lots of different people, but I just felt empty. Like noone actually cared? Some good things happened today, and some awful things happened today. I wish I could focus just on the positives - but at the end of the day I feel so out of it right now, i feel like none of the positives are even worth my time.

I felt backed into a corner today. Maybe not physically, but mentally like I couldn't get away from a conversation I was having and people were slowly closing in on me. Like I had no escape. It got me a little anxious and I had a breakdown in the middle of an event I was meant to be doing. Luckily I got one of my friends to take over. I don't know why it got to me so much - maybe its because of my past. I don't like when I feel like i'm not heard, especially when someone is angry at me - because I already feel like I have to justify even if I've done nothing wrong. So when people ignore that it hurts. Anyway it took a couple of moments, than I was able to continue on the event. I realised that I deserve this. I put myself into these situations. Maybe if I wasn't so stupid, I could of seen this coming and watched out for it.

I honestly don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like my best isn't good enough. I spend hours upon hours working hard for the different things i'm involved in yet it just doesn't show. It will never show. Maybe its about time I start seeing that.

My triggers were really bad today - probably not the best that I had planned the day around things that involved my triggers. I didn't feel like I could back out at the last moment. I managed to push through but now I feel worse than I ever have. My urges are super strong and I feel like all the emotions of the day have come back at once. I know tomorrow I have similar plans, and I really hope my triggers aren't as heightened.

I just wish someone cared, that there was somebody I could speak to about all of this. It's when I realise that I have no people left in my life. Everybody has left. That is down to me. I need to change something. Obviously something is making them turn away. I don't even know anymore.

- M

11th September

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing with my life. I question every single action that I do and I wonder why I am the way I am. Why do I constantly make things worse for myself? Let's just say today didn't go any better. I had a freak out this morning - after a terrible night last night, that ended up me being on the phone to a hotline until I was so exhausted I knew I wouldn't be able to follow through with anything. This morning, I woke up feel frustrated at myself, abandoned by those i thought cared and just overall exhausted with the way things turned out. I was upset that everyone was leaving - I realise I do this to myself, but it still hurts. So, as normal I made things worse and in the midst of my breakdown, i cut 3 of my biggest supports out of my life. By this I mean, I deleted numbers, social medias and blocked them on the main messaging sites we used. I realised at how much I had become to rely on them, how much they knew about me, how close they were getting. But also, how far we were being separated - I knew that the further a part we came, the more upsetting it would be for me to slowly lose the individual's who have had the biggest affect on me. So I jumped ahead and cut connections myself before they could do it to me.

It was super hard, and it will continue being hard - the worse part is I have no one left to speak to now. I realise this is my own fault, I shouldn't of jumped ahead. But the fact that they've known me at my weakest point, that they know my darkest thoughts - terrifies me. I realise that I'm in a dark hole that I can't seem to get out of, everyday my thoughts get darker and my urges get stronger. I'm not sure how much more I can take - and I don't want them to see me fall once again.

Conversations happened today as well, conversations about my future, my responsibilities, basically everything. Some good, some not so good. Like I mentioned yesterday - I really don't like when I feel like I'm not heard, like i'm invisible. People question me about things - and than its almost like they don't hear my answer. That is what happened today, and honestly it sucks! I realise that I'm not the best individual, but I really don't like when people speak for me, and than don't listen to what I have to say - it makes me feel like my opinions are worthless. I just hope one day I can have a conversation where somebody truly listens to what I'm saying, rather than taking words from me and twisting them.

- M

Been a while since I've been around anywhere recently. Things have gone south pretty quickly lol. I can't really explain everything that happened but lets just say i've hit my worse point mentally. I had a break down at the end of November, which involved me looking myself in my tiny university room for 5 days straight. I didn't come out for food or to use the bathroom, and I basically was alone with my thoughts. During that time I took a few pills, but thankfully it wasn't enough to do anything. My flatmates got concerned and contacted my family. They actually betrayed my trust whilst doing it. Shortly before my breakdown, I had gotten an official confirmation from my doctor about my low mood and eating disorder being severe enough to get a diagnosis, and calling me back in. The letter came, and it was in my university room as I was reading it, when my flatmate walked in asking me for something. I quickly gave her what she needed, but in the mean time she had caught eye of the letter and was reading it. She found out about some of the things mentioned and we had a bit of a talk - knowing that she had seen it, I wanted to make sure she knew I was getting help, and also that my family aren't involved. We had a huge heart to heart about the fact my parents aren't supportive and the reason i've kept it to myself for the last 7 years. She agreed that it wasn't the right thing to tell my family, and that she wouldn't. That's what frustrated me - not even a week later she had contacted my family telling them everything the letter said which was so personal.

Anyway, my flatmates also went to my university support team, and I got called in for a meeting - which meant I had to leave my room. I went and told them about what was going on, we arranged some further support options which was good but I was still feeling awful. The flatmate who originally knew everything, then stopped speaking to me - she hasn't spoken to me since the start of decemeber and ignores everytime i try and reach out.

the weekend after, i was feeling super down and alone. My closest flatmate wasn't speaking to me, i felt guilty for worrying my sister, i was making so many mistakes and had so many thoughts going round my head. I then attempted to take my own life. I was crying down the phone waiting for it to work, when I was told paramedics were coming to my accomodation, as a result of my actions. One of my other flatmates, who knew a bit about the situation returned from a night out at this point, and saw my distressed state so stayed with me until the paramedics arrived. They did a bunch of tests, asked me a bunch of questions - most of which i lied to. They decided to give all my medication to the flatmate who had stayed with me, and basically searched my room for anything I could harm myself with, I felt embarrassed and I renember that I was so frantic that night - crying and trying to make sure nobody else in my university accomodation found out what happened.

My eating disorder has also got pretty bad - its not unusual for me to go days without eating - and I exercise at least 3 hours daily, whether it be full on workouts or just a 3 hour walk. My Mental Health Advisor at University has referred me to a treatment facility, I've been recommended to fully commit to a programme but i'm not sure if I could ever volunteer myself into the position. I'm not sick enough for it. I weighed myself for the first time since returning from univeristy a week ago, today. I was surprised. I was sure with christmas, and the need to present to my family everything was okay, that I would of put on weight but turns out i've lost quite a bit, more than I did in a week at univeristy. I know my BMI is unhealthy - but I can't help but think I'm fat. I feel like no matter what I do, nothing will change that I am fat. It's frustrating and I'm feeling pretty disheartned even though I ended up losing weight.

Overall been a pretty difficult few months - and I'm just hoping things will go up.

Hey I too face similar situation where I keep losing Friends. I understand how when It happens again and again, we can think it's our fault and yet when we think of the situation we realize we did everything right and still lost them. Then I wonder that is it because of my situation that these people can't stay . I guess it's very difficult sometimes to be honest when it comes to our own situation .we often try to take the blame and try to wrap our mind around why this happens .But there's no necessity for it .just trust yourself and believe in yourself when you did everything yet you lost the friends. Because it's not just you losing them but also them losing you .Loss is on both sides and seems greater on their side considering they lost someone so caring.

New day. New Screw Up. I'm getting exhausted with all of the mistakes i'm making. I try so hard to do everything right, to remain supportive, to be perfect. I hate the fact that i'm not. I hate the fact I make everything worse. Right now the only thing I want to do is cry and cry. I don't think i'll ever be okay again. I don't know why I try anymore. I really think i'm coming to the end of my road.

I'm starting to realise that i should give up on trying to get better. It's been a steady downfall these past couple of months. My eating disorder has gotten worse and worse, to the point i'm on an urgent referral due to my weight and the restriction i have going on. In the past 3 weeks, I have attempted to take my own life 3 times - each one of them failing. I have been eagerly waiting on the appointments, knowing that I want to get better but I can't do it by myself. I'm not strong enough.

I've suffered with my Eating Disorder for 7 years now, and about 1.5 years ago, I thought I had recovered - little did I know that as soon as I reached June, I would fall deep into it again. It's been getting worse and worse since then. On one hand i'm glad I'm losing weight, but the other hand I know that I am worrying everyone around me and it is not normal to faint at the gym. I restrict my diet to 500 calories a day now, and go to the gym twice a day for two hours each - spending four hours a day doing cardio, and trying to burn enough calories. I make myself sick a couple of times a week, to help make me feel better. But nothing ever makes me feel better and at night, I am still left to deal with my horrible thoughts.

I keep being referred onto other people. It started by me speaking to my university team (because my flatmates told them they were concerned about me) and my GP, for headaches I was having. I then got referred to a talking therapy, who referred me on to a service that deals with all mental health services in the area I live in. My University team, also referred me to this service. I then got referred to an Eating Disorder team, had to do loads of tests to get my referral completed, and finally it was complete. Whilst the referral went through they also gave me an appointment face to face, with the team who deals with everything, as well as can help with low mood. It was decided that my Eating Disorder was of urgent concern, and that my referral would be changed to urgent - and that it should be what i focused on at the moment rather than my low mood and self harm. They did say they would prescribe me anti-depressants, something to reduce anxiety and sleep medication but I don't know what came out of that.

Anyway, I just phoned up the ED team to confirm the appointment - and the earliest they can do on an 'urgent referral' is the end of June. I won't even be here in June, and its way too late to start any treatment so I'm at a loss. I know that I can't do this by myself, but I also know it looks like I won't be getting help from others. All other services have discharged me until I complete the ED teams referral - so it means that until June, I will be without support. I feel like I might as well give up now. There's no point in fighting anymore.

I can't believe its been 6 years since I last posted. It's been a journey the past 6 years, so much has happened and I don't even know where to start.

Last time I posted, i was in my first year of university and I thought that was the lowest I could ever feel. Little did I know it was going to get so much worse. My university knew about my ED and they were concerned but I managed to convince them I was okay to continue my studies in social work. That was until I was raped in November 2019 which led to a significant mental health crisis. Following this, I was suspended from my course as they deemed I was not well enough to continue. I lost everything during that period of time. I had no control over anything, and was constantly in and out of hospital. My course co-ordinators said that I would have a chance to finish my placement in the summer and still graduate on time, but then COVID-19 hit and my treatment stopped, so they didn't think they had enough evidence that I was 'fixed'. As a result I had to go through so many exhausting meetings where people spoke about me and not to me, like I wasn't there and I was dirt on their shoes. I then had to make the decision to transfer to a different course as they were not letting me continue in social work. I just wanted to get out of the town I was raped in, and get away from all the people who were making my life ***. I started using alcohol to cope with my emotions.

My third year was awful, I was in mental health crisis a lot and the anniversary of the rape made things so much worse. I ended up being sectioned under Mental Health Act (where they can keep you in hospital without your consent). Luckily I convinced them after a few days that I was safe enough to leave. I did manage to complete my course despite everything, and I was able to move out of the town to a new university to complete a Masters in Social Work. 

I thought the new place would help me figure my life out, but it just moved all the problems with me. I lost my grandmother and grandad in a short space of time. I had over 15 friends die between 2019-2022. I was struggling. I ended up being hopitalised again and sectioned. Luckily, I had a really supportive tutor at the time. She didn't know everything (being sectioned) but she knew enough about my mental health so that it wasn't pulled up on. She was rooting for me to complete the course, which made all the difference. I had some issues because i was under mental health support that was directly linked with my work/university. My therapist would come into my university to give presentations to my course or be present in multi-agency meetings whilst I was at my placement. I found out later that she had been speaking to my university about her concerns about me as I was quite unwell. 

Saying all of that, I did graduate in 2023 and I started my dream role as a mental health social worker. It really felt like things were looking up. I managed to get myself a year clean from sh which was a lot for me. Then I lost my other grandad in October 2023. Things went south from there. My mum got diagnosed with a brain cancer in February 2024, and the next 1.5 years was absolute ***. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. She died in October 2025. My dad was awful during this time, he kicked my sister out of the house (she was living with them) and prevented me and my sister from seeing my mum for months whilst she was receiving end of life care within the home. 

In January 2025, I was very unwell and some of my friends from work found out. I was making attempts on my life regularly, wasn't eating/sleeping and just had given up. I was still working as normal, and nobody would have known had it not been for me being friendly with coworkers. But they were concerned and I had put them in an unfair situation. So they told my manager and another senior member of staff everything. I was on leave that day, and my manager came to my flat as she was concerned about me. I was so embarrassed, my flat was a mess and I was a mess. I had attempted the night before, and there was still evidence around the flat. I managed to convince my manager (somehow) that I was okay, but she pushed for details of my mental health team. I was receiving crisis support and home treatment team as an alternative to hospital. 

Unfortunately, this wasn't enough and in February 2025, I was hospitalised again for my mental health. This time I was in there for a month. It wasn't terrible, but it was longer than I wanted. I had to take a leave from work, which my manager understood but I was so embarrassed that it was affecting my work for the first time. I've always said that my work hasn't been impacted, it all happens after work hours, but this time I was not able to work so it was directly impacted. 

I managed to convince my manager to allow me to go back to work the day after I came out of hospital. She asked some difficult questions, as she knows the high levels of risk that someone would need to be in to get hospitalised. Following my hospitalisation, I was doing decently okay. I had a few more episodes under the crisis team but generally was coping. That was until my mum died. 

I felt so many different emotions when my mum died. I went back under crisis team. Luckily I avoided hospital, and I've now been hospital free (for my mh) for over a year. 

I feel like i'm slowly rebuilding my life. I've recently got a kitten (cookie) who is adorable. I'm finding moments of happiness again. I'm trying to reconnect with my friends. I also got diagnosed with Autism (2023) and ADHD (2025) which have allowed me to understand some of the struggles i've had. 

It's not been easy and i still struggle everyday. I'm in weekly therapy to try and keep things at bay. My sh has been bad, but i've only had one really bad night in the past week. I think Cookie has helped with the evenings. My ED is still ever present, and I really have to keep that on track. 

My manager still checks in with me regularly about my mh. We had a difficult conversation in January this year, where she asked real specific questions that she probably didn't need to know (where I sh, how much i restrict, suicide thoughts/plan etc). At the time, she said if things don't get better she thought a change of team may be useful to something not so high pressure. Thankfully, my work has actually remained good quality, and so she couldn't enforce this. Anytime we speak about it she always says how good my work is etc, which is good to know its not impacting that aspect.

I'm now applying for a senior post in the team. I'm nervous as I think they'll use my mh as a reason that i'm not ready to take on the responsibility, but everyone in the team has said i'm already doing the role so it's worth a go. my anxiety has been so high recently but i'm making steps to get back on track. I just wish my mum saw this version of me. 

I never had a super close relationship with her, but she did know things from friends/flatmates/my sister. I found out after she died that she would often speak to friends about her worry about me. I feel bad that I made her last years (when she was with it) focusing on me but we didn't have the relationship for her to tell me in person. 

Anyways if i keep going imma get triggered so i'll leave it there for now.