Madness - the thoughts of an autistic individual.

Hello, everyone. I hope those of you had a peaceful holiday ( and if you didn't, I'm giving you an internet hug from me to spread the love). About two weeks ago, I posted an intro named "Hello world!", I technically am a very private person by nature, (though most of my friends would say otherwise about this) telling you guys a little about me and what I deal with to a large extent. For the record, I am an individual with autism, though for the most part I don't look like it (which is weird because I found that somewhat hard to come to terms with when I was a younger person), and the curse that I like to call anxiety. I don't intend this to be an everyday sort of thing, I have school to worry about for the most part and getting out of my very stressed filled house, which I believe is the reason I have so much anxiety. For those of you that have children on the spectrum, I want to personally thank you. I think my reason for finally opening up about this, and wanting to talk about my life and my experiences is to help and get help. I want this to be a place where I not only let my thoughts out and ask for advice on life, because although I can read facial expressions better, my brain works better if I have text in front of my face, which is wholly due to my autism. I guess my descent into madness began at the moment when I was five years old. I have always been aware since I was young that my mind was not like every neurotypical human being, in fact I have a very distinct memory of my brain when I was younger wondering if I was actually crazy. It took thirteen years, a breakdown in school, me trying to kill myself at 14, and a psychology class to finally go look for the answers I wanted so badly, with my mom looking for the help that I was diagnosed at eighteen, a week after my birthday. Wonderful birthday present huh? After that, I didn't necessarily go into depression, but more of a catatonic shock, where I barely even talked at all. It was during after that shock, that my anxiety came to a head and my mind I think, was processing that I was disabled for the first time. Its been a couple of years since that and I have come to terms with my autism, in fact I actually embrace it and love it to some extent, only thing I hate is my brain doesn't compute well with "normal" humans anymore, and I have do things that once were easy for me are now hard. Apart from my autism, is my anxiety, which is the crux of my issues. It seems to stem from when I over think things and don't fully understand things. I think its my repressed meltdowns I wasn't able to have when I was younger finally coming up(for those of you that have been dealing with autism longer: is that normal, or am I being backwards in thought), but this time its full blown, because I never was able to fully show that because of my parents having to take care of my downs brother and me being watched by my maternal grandparents. I'm not asking for your guys sympathy when I mention this, only adding this to my story so you can fully understand why I am them way I am. I still have a lot of problems to deal with as an adult, but for those of you who went through what I did, I can tell you the light is out there. Its a hard life we live, those that are disabled, but we can fight for it. My autism has given me strength that I didn't know I had, and maybe its the epic music I have playing in background while I type this, but I just wish I was able to let all those emotions out when I was younger, that's my only regret for having this curse. I hope I helped someone with this tonight/today, my life isn't easier after the diagnosis. Its trying getting help for it: and that's the beauty of what I find in this site: broken souls helping other broken souls. You'll be hearing from me soon, as soon as I have the time.

~Ciyran Note: I may have been cynical and flippant at some points, and for that, I apologise.