My Journal
Hello everyone!
I have got a lot going on in my life lately and even more things in my head. I mean, not all of the is bad, in fact they are more good than bad, I think, I just kind of feel like I have lost footing and I just feel like I am getting more and more lost in my own head and in that chaos some thoughts, thinking patterns just seem to come up again that I tought to have left behind.
Anyhow, I suppose if I would have a space to just go on about all the things going on in my mind it would probably help to clear it up, gain back a bit of control. I mean, this seems to be a perfect place to do it so without really bothering anyone with it - although, anyone is welcome to post or reply here. I would enjoy having a discussion as well however, that is not the main point of this, I think.
Anyway....
A whole lot of my problems and anxieties are just resurfacing because one thing. It is really an internal thing of mine. I think at least. Generally I am a perfectionist, of whatever you call that but, instead of measuring myself by my own little successes and allowing myself to be proud of them I tend to just focus on the mistakes I make, the tasks I am not able to get done - or not in time.
In work, I am generally respected work my wotk-ethics and just for generally being good at what I am doing but, still, I cannot let the few mistakes I make go for some reason. Really small things. Typos even. I mean, with all honesty, I could probably be proud of all that I have achieved in just two years with promotions and praise from managers and everything but then I still keep thinking they are just complimenting me because they do not know about all those mistakes I make...
After work, I guess, in my current life, this place it my second most important thing and...well, it is complicated, I suppose. I have trouble keeping up with everything here often as well and...well, once again, I measure myself by what I have missed, people who I was not able to be there for.
I do not know why, but I harbor a lot of guilt for things like this, things I should not do so but it is somehow it is just how my mind works for me.
I have been trying to focus on the good things. Positive self-talk and a "journal" llsting all the positive things I have done that day and compliments I have got was something that have helped but, once again, I feel like with all the things going on in my life, I feel like that sort of control kind of slipped out of my hands a little bit. I will not let all that work just simply be undone tho, all the work I have put into this. Into fightinh my anxieties and depression.
I am not sure what's next, I may need to change and adapt my orld self-care routine's to my "new life" but I know I have those and I know that I have alraedy got this once and, hopefully, I will be able to get thir as well.
I have been thinking lately. You know, I am around here for a while and just in general try to be more conscious of my mental health and of my sexual and gender identity.
It is really a long story but before facing these issues of mine and actually actively try to figure myself out as best as I can I have really seen the world as a dark hopeless place. Since then I have met many amazing person and have just seen so many understanding person and just awareness of mental health - which is not exactly that good in my country.
I mean, I have this feeling of progression, this feeling of how the world feels a better place, how I feel like there is progression with these issues. That might be just a trick of perspective tho.
I mean, in my world, yes, there is really big progression. I have tried to surround myself of people who are more aware of these issues, who are supporting and understanding and that is awesome. This certainly have changed my life a whole lot. On the other hand probably I have just a little bit got too optimistic about the whole world based on this big change in my perspective.
Or, well, not the whole world but my country for example has really made some big steps back especially related to LGBTQ+ representaion and just awareness which maybe just a little bit worrying and in generally the discussion about mental health here has not improved all that much.
I mean, it got a bit bleak there maybe, but interestingly that is not what I have taken away of this. I have changed my world - the world for me has changed. I hold this sort of power to change the world - the world that is mine. I mean, step by step, of course and at times it is a painfully slow process but I do hold power here. Some power anyway.
I don't know, this is kind of bittersweet I guess but if I do decide to actually even swim against the stream at times and cut out my own path I do have a lot of power - the question is how much I can utilize it. Only time will tell, I suppose, and my anxiety is doing it's best to keep me within my ""comfort zone"" - which is not comfortable at all - but I am trying my best. There is not much more I could do.
I hate labels. I mean, I do not generally use the word "hate" because it is a strong word but with labels. I do really feel strongly.
I have first joined the LGBTQ+ community here because...well, it is a long story, short version is that I am a man - or AMAB anyway - and not exactly feeling manly at all... That's kind of a thing that just feels like this very uncomfortable prison, the label of "man" - or male, in general - on me.
I mean, I have never really found much joy in what is considered manly or masculine. I have tried myself in many things. I have played rugby, football. I have been trying to get into what the other boys were liking in school. Football clubs, cars and just going out to just drink for some reason - I really grown to dislike alcohol at this point. I just wanted to be fit in.
This place is my refuge. I am hiding behind Asriel - the character in my profile picture - and behind this user name. I mean, I do like it this way. I do not have a gender here like this. If you first meet me you cannot tell what my gender might be and I can just be me rather than anyone I feel like I should be.
I...it kind of feels weird and honestly wrond to say this out but...I kind of want to be cute. Or, you know, I have received feedback calling me directly and indirectly cute and generally those are really the biggest thing that can just make my day. I mean, I love cute stuff, I like to surround myself with cute things....I love to act cute and that is sort of an impression I am hoping to make - not that I am trying hard to get that but I do hope for something similar.
Now...imagine this, a man, 27 years old, wanting to be cute more than anything. It just feels so wrong for me for some reason. I mean, even saying out the word cute is weird, writing this is weird, I feel anxious writing this, I won't lie. I have that uncomfortable lingering feeling, like I should not share this.
I mean... I love teddy bears. I have got my first one in a very low point in my life to just sort of have it for support but at this point I just like them, they are cute and soft and fluffy and...honestly, have you ever took your time to look at the ear of a teddy bear - it is just so very cute. But like, can you imagine a man sharing these kinds of things? - I don't know, I cannot anyway. I mean, yes, here, but here I am more just a genderless blob going on with my life.
When I think about these, I honestly feel like something has to be wrong with me. I...just overall, the things I like...I mean, it is overwhelmingly out of the inetersts and things that are generally labeled "feminine" and very rarely anything that is really labeled "masculine".
I just kind of feel confined by these labels. If you would meet me, or anyone, the first thing you would get to know them is their gender. I mean, it is quite self-explanatory, you just look at someone and it is like automatic, you put them into one of the boxes - male or female. Or I might just be imagining all this. But, either way, what if you just do not fit that box?
To be clear here, I do not experience dysphoria with my body, I am okay with what I have ... you know ... between my legs. I just don't really care about that, to be exact.
But in this whole social level it can be quite overwhelming at times.
Anyhow, sorry for ranting here and thank you if for any reason you have made it to this point!
Soo....I have actually remembered that this thread does exist here for me so I am back to just rant about stuff :P
To be exact, it is not daily struggles and what not now but, even better, just a little bit about my personal philosophy to life. I mean, the reason to this post is that there has been a video posted by on of the chanels on YouTube that I follow that I just kind of want to share with others, maybe even discuss.
As you might be able to guess, I do not really have any people on my life I could really discuss these sort of personal philosophies and spirituality and what-not so I am just shouting it to great void of the internetz to no one specific but also to anyone who is willing to just read through it :P
The video itself is titled >"The Egg - A Short Story"<. I mean, it really is just that, a short story, but a thought provoking one with that "reveal" at the end. At least it has managed to provoke my thoughts to the point I have felt the need to share it in one way or other.
The thing is that it kind of lines up by the philosophy I do operate by as well. I mean, I am ready for it to be challanged tho. Either way, this concept of "oneness" explored by this video is somthing that has been a driving force of mine for a while. I do act as I would like others to act upon me. In a way I believe that by hurting someone else I do hurt myself and by helping someone else I do help myself.
Probably sounds weird, I suppose. One "phrase" or whatever you would like to call this that has been stuck with me is actually coming from a progressive tech-death metal band. I mean, okay, the band Persefone is actually really has built up their full image by exploring the spiritual beliefs of different cultures through the word and through times with their albums - while also being progressive tech-death metal, of course :P
So, yep, one of their EP is called "In Lak'ech" and first I have just loved the song and I have listened to it like ten times before I have started to wonder what the title may actually mean. So, after a bit of google-ing it turns out it is actually a Mayan percept: In Lak'ech Ala'kin - which translates to "I am you and you are me".
Soooo....moral of the story is that I am veeery weird, I suppose. Either way, if you have read through all this thank you for your time ^-^
@redmark Hey Red - sorry to intrude.
I just wanted to say - I think you're pretty awesome! Not weird at all. Um - awesome band by the way.
Stay cool Red - be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul You do not intrude! Thank you very much. I am also really happy that you do like that band. :)
You are pretty awesome as well! ^-^
It is pretty scary to connect with people. I mean, to like build new relationships. Friendship, romantic relationship, whatever, you name it...
I will be forever worried of hurting those I love and....well, it is tough. I have done it before, I still cannot forgive myself it was just the stupidest thing ever....and I have just messed up, totally. I kind of just shut down now, if there is no one who is close to me, then I will not be close enough to once again hurt anyone...
I mean, at least, no one else but me. There are just so many amazing people out there and here as well. I do not know how to really open up tho. I am not the best when it comes to any sort of socual stuff. LIke, you know, I am supportive and I will walk through hellfire with someone if they reach out to me to help them get through it but...other than that, I do not know.
I am just boring I guess. I mean, given that you do not need support, I often think about what else I could bring into a relationship and I am yet to find something that I would feel like to be worthy to bring into a relationship. I am also just super weird, I suppose.
I guess, I am "introvert" - but I do not really like labels - so that generic small talk, I am not really one for that and that seems to be essential nowadays. It makes sense as well, small talk should be there to test the waters before you commit to whatever relationship, I suppose but I am just bad at that so....well, why would anyone commit.
My optimal relationship would be just probably sharing music and/or cute pictures and memes with someone as main form of "communication". Of course other staff as well but that is what I feel comfortable with - and that is just weird, I suppose. At least when I think of it I will like I am just being weird and I should be more "normal".
I am not really getting anywhere with this. I am trying, but...there is a long way to go and I am not always the most hopeful but have not given up yet - which is something, I guess.
I don't know what's the point of this post even, honestly, I just wanted to vent. Either way tho, if - for whatever reason - you have read through all this, thank you, thank you very much! :)
@redmark
Hi--I've been reading through this entire thread and wanted to share my reactions.
I checked out Persefone and it is incredible stuff. Thanks for sharing. :)
I feel what you mean with it being awful to hurt people. And this sort of feeling of, "If I'm someone who is just going to hurt people by getting close to them, then it's better if I keep to myself. Then at the very least, I'm not a hazard to whoever else I come across, and the only person getting poisoned by me is myself." I'm not sure in what specific ways you feel you've hurt people... there are so many to choose from, haha. I feel like you must be a caring/thoughtful person though to be so deeply affected by hurting someone else that it makes you want to abandon relationships. (It reminds me of a character in the movie Andrei Rublev.)
I've had the same kind of thought too of, "If I were in a relationship, what exactly what I have to offer? What is my distinguishing feature that makes me worth dating?" Almost like I have to prove my specialness... and market that quality... but in order to do that, I first have to also define/pin myself down, which is unpleasant. (I noticed you wrote in one of your earlier posts about not liking labels.) I'm a big fan of the forum insofar as it feels to me like a buffet where I can engage with whatever I want and retreat when I get sick of it, without having to commit to being or doing anything. And yet there's still a lot of closeness that can happen.
I read your earlier posts in this thread on gender, and I actually identify with a lot of what you've written: being a biological male, but sort of preferring to self-identify as a genderless blob in virtual space, having some psychologically feminine aspects that haven't really been fully incorporated and aren't generally expressed/known to other people in real-life, but not having any major body dysmorphia or desire to physically transition to a different gender. I haven't visited the LGBTQ+ forum, but if you've found that to be a helpful place, I might take a look.
I hope eventually you'll post a bunch of really cute stuff in this thread. :) I also hope that when you do, people will appreciate the significance of that based on the context you've developed of your relationship with gender.
I really like your writing style and am grateful for your multi-dimensional weirdness. :P
@frigidstars27 Thank you!
It is always the best feeling for me in the world when I get to share music and people do enjoy it. I don't know why, music is just such an important part of my life and I am really glad to hear that you have enjoyed Persefone :)
Also, it is nice to meet a fellow genderless blob around here :)
As weird as it sounds, it has been the source of so much anxiety for me for such a long time to try to fit into the mold as a male and i have felt so alone with my struggles for so long. I mean, really, the first time I have heard about the concept of non-binary genders, outside of just male and female and that you do not have to identify with one of those two was when I have joined here. I mean, ranting aside, it is good to know that I am not totally alone with this feeling around here :)
As for hurting people. It will be always a big concern of mine. I have hurt someone here, on this website. I mean, it was unintentional but there were so many stupid mistakes I have made down the road and I am pretty sure it would have not happened if I would have not been...well...stupid and making all those mistakes down the road leading to a big misunderstanding. You know I am really afraid that it might happend again, I do not have the best social skills and I can just see myself tumbling into such a situation again with my anxieties taking control again.
On the other hand tho, of course, I have learned from that and probably would not make the same mistakes again but it is scary...
Also, yep, I am not reall sure what I could really bring into a relationship. I mean, what I have the biggest struggle is just getting that initial connection with people, I suppose. You know, making a first impression as someone interesting, someone worth to invest more energy into if that makes sense. I might have other qualities that would be helpful in an already existing friendship and/or romantic relationship but I have no idea how to get there, how to just get the whole thing started...
Either way tho, thank you very much for your reply and for reading through my ramblings, I am happy that I have got to meet you and get to know you a little bit here :) *offering safe hugs* (if you are okay with it)
@redmark Hey Red - Here to invade again - I know I know - no invasion. Idk - I always worry about that.
I really understand being afraid of hurting people - not just here but in general. Maybe especially here where there are so many lost hurting people.
You have such a good heart Red. Sometimes things come out wrong or it's misunderstood. That happens for everyone I guess. I know it's happened to me on both sides. We make mistakes - but we learn from them. It makes it alittle harder to put ourselves out there afterwards - of course.
Forgive me for saying this if it's weird or anything but - I swear you and I could be cut from the same cloth as they say. Worrying about getting close to people - a romantic relationship - even opening up. It's so scary - ya know? But the opening up? This is a really great way to start.
There's alot of people here who think the world of you Red. The support and compassion you give everyone here is greatly appreciated. I - myself - think it's only fair that I should be able to offer you the same. You ARE worth investing the energy in. I'm honored to be able to have the opportunity to get to know you better through this thread - I hope you don't mind. Thank you - for being you - for caring the way you do about people here.
So - um - invasion over. Be gentle with yourself Red and your thoughts.
@mytwistedsoul Well, you know that I do not think you are not invading here but, I understand that anxious feeling so, regardless - feel free to just invade this thread anytime here :)
I think it is coming from being hurt in the past. I mean, once you go through something like that, once you get hurt and you know how it does feel you will try your best to not hurt others. I mean, at least that is it for me, I think. I mean, that is I guess what motivates me to not only help people but to try to not hurt anyone either.
You know I love this place. There is a lot of factors to it but I have kind of found my calling. I mean, I like to help people and support them, based on the feedback I am good at it as well and this is really a place where I can do it and, in return, this gives me this sort of conifdence in here. All I am trying to say here is what you see here is very different from me in real life.
I mean, I have a lot of sefl-doubt which is making it hard for me to really, you know, just put myself out there and because of that I can be just quite a lot and not really talk to people. Not that I do not care, not that I do not want to get to know them or just spend some nice time with them but that worry if I might just waste their time by pushing myself on them.
Which is, I will admit now, stupid. I know it but when it comes to it I just shut down. I mean, baby steps tho, being more open here, as I try to be lately is something as well I suppose.
Anyway, thank you very much for your post :)
*offering safe hugs* (no pressure, just in case)
Hey...it's me...again...I promise that I will keep this one short tho.
I just wanted to kind of vent about crying. Or, well, my lack of the ability to cry lately...
I mean, it probably sounds stupid but I actually want to cry. LIke, not right here right now, but sometimes. It is not a pleasant feeling for sure and it also has some stigma to it - being a male especailly - but then again, it is a very good release of all those emotions that can just build up in me sometimes.
I mean, I sometimes get to the point where I even feel like the pressure building up in my tearducts and I just feel really frustrated overall and...then nothing happens. LIke, that feeling, when I just feel like that frustration even that feeling physically and then nothing happens is tough.
I mean, I don't know, this is probably stupid, but I really wish I could just cry sometimes, I guess. I remember that like 5 years ago I have just felt ashamed when a few times I have actually cried at night and kind of cried myself to sleep but then now I do really miss those times. Well, I mean, you know what I mean by that...
I am probably just weird again.
@redmark
I understand what you mean in praising crying or having a desire for it. There's a sort of pressure or built-up feeling that wants to release or express itself. But it gets blocked, stuck, stifled, etc. And like, wouldn't it be amazing if all of those feelings were able to find their way out. And wasn't it amazing that there was a time when things were that vulnerable and you could just curl up in bed and cry.
I remember when I was younger, I was able to cry in a way where it was this really strong catharsis. Now, it tends to be more like I'm a stone statue and there'll be a small amount of moisture collecting at the corners of my eyes that leaks out. Sometimes if I do yoga, meditation, or anything else where I'm immersed in my body, I'll start yawning a lot and have tears streaming down my face in the absence of any strong feeling. Like a tension release. But the sort of deep/explosive crying I see in movies and TV shows and know I must have done too at some point... yeah, I'm a bit envious. (Not of a suffering so strong/painful that it would provoke that, but of this feeling of something tremendously important pouring out freely.)
Hello everyone! 
I am feeling pretty bad actually...
I have had my second dentist appointment - and many is yet to come if I want to really get all of my teeth fixed - and actually it has went well. I mean, we made progress, and it was mostly painless but there is just something to it. I do not know how to explain it but I am generally laying there in that chair thingy and all I can do is like keep my mouth open when there are two people doing different stuff in my mouth - which, I mean, is there job, and exactly what I pay for but, still...
I do not know why but I have been stuck in this really anxious state of mind for the whole hour they have been working on my teeth and it was just so very draining mentally and emotionally. I mean...it is probably stupid, after all, this is exactly that is why I am going there but still, I felt so like helpelss, or I do not even know...
To make things worse I think it has actually made it harder for the dentist and his assistent to work on my teeth because...well...it is not easy to just lay there keeping your mouth open as much as you can while your thoughts are just racing all over the place so now I also feel guilty for making their job unnecessary harder...
Also, I do have some residual pain now, for all the things they have been doing with two of my tooth - they have been working on the root - so I have that sort of my body is regenrating sort of uneasy feeling and sort of pain in my mouth...
So yep... I am honestly not sure what the point of this post is, I guess I just wanted to vent and maybe ask for some sort of support or something. I feel just so extremely drained now mentally and emotionally after that hour of intense anxiety there >.<
Although, to end things on a positive note, there was something nice in this weekend, although that is kind of just a stupid little thing. As I have been going to the subway after this appointment completely wiped out there was this little girl - 4 years old maybe - walking ahead of me with her father and he has dropped her stuffed toy and her father have not noticed first so they have just continued so I picked it up and caught up to them once they have noticed and stopped and just that little smile on the little girls face made me actually feel much better right then and there which was a really welcome thing, given that I have had to go through like 20 minutes of crowded public transport after that.
So, well, it is not all bad, but still, I do not feel the best right now.
Uhm...anyway, if you have read through all this, thank you!
@redmark I don't think it's stupid at all. I could tell you all sorts of horror stories that run through my head when it comes to the dentist. I usually have myself work up into quite a state by the time I get there. Then while I'm in the chair waiting for them to start - oh man - it's crazy. I know what you mean about sitting there and holding you're mouth open as wide as you can - thoughts are racing - there's this crazy thought of omg - I'm going to bite someone. My mouth slowly starts closing. I catch myself - open it alittle wider. Only to repeat it a few seconds later. I'm usually pretty wrecked til it's all done.
The sounds - the sounds get me the most. So the dentist let me listen to personal music. Idk - if that would be something your dentist would let you do or if you'd be comfortable yourself doing that. It's just a personal preference for me.
I think the whole thing is really stressful - and like Wise said anything involving your head. I think anything that causes you stress and anxiety and fear - is well - traumatic. It isn't something you just get over. Unfortunately I think at times it gets worse the more you have to go.
When I first started going a few years ago - I hadn't been to a dentist in years. I had to have my wisdom teeth removed and had a total of 15 cavities and a few were even broken. I understand what you're going through - I want to tell you though - I am so proud that you are doing what you need to to get your teeth fixed. They say your teeth are kind of like the gate way to good health. Idk if it's true or not - but I'm really glad you're taking care of yourself.
You're doing great Red!
@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser Thank you!
I don't know, like they really are just doing their job, and a good one at that. I suppose is is just stressful by default to visit a dentist and go through all those procedures. Still, I feel kind of guilty and stupid for being so anxious and just worked up on something I do pay for - and exactly receiving what I am paying for.
One step at a time - one appointment at a time - I will get through this tho, I think, it is just tough still.
Hello! ^-^
So...uhm....I want to share a "secret" of mine here. I mean, it is not as much of a secret, since I have kind of given it away by bits and pieces around the year in the forums but I have never really written it down like this before. I mean, I generally do not want to weird people out - even more - but a part of me wants to share it soooo....
I have shared about here abiut my struggles with labels and just how I am not a fan of them. Now, this one has to do with labels, genders to be exact. I mean, mens clothing are just soooo dull. We only have supermarket here in my town/city where I live and when I go there the first thing I have to cross is the cloth section of it and I always just steal a few looks on all those absolutely stunning or just simply cute womens clothes. I mean, I would like to wear a shirt with a cute pug on it chilling with the word chill and just the colors, the different options and all that...
I mean, I guess the "secret" here is that I have actually considered crossdressing at home as an option and the only reason I am not doing it is because I am not living alone whih, well, complicates things, a lot....
I....uhm....so yep, I feel kind of emberassed really just writing this down like this but....I don't know, I wanted to get it out of my system. I am sorry for being even weirder than usual tho...
Either way tho, thank you for reading my post(s) around here and I hope y'all will have a great day! :)
@redmark Hey Red -
I think it's really great that you're writing these things out. I can understand that it can be kind of embarrassing to share thing here. I have problems myself with that. Just worrying what people may think - judgment that they may pass on me. But this is your space and it's wonderful to see you use it. So I'm going to share something here with you - that I haven't shared with anyone else and it does involve clothing. Some of my shirts are well - immature - comic book hero's and stuff that - well I'd feel uncomfortable wearing in public. Not that I go out much mind you. But I do wear them under other shirts - a button down or a sweat shirt. IDk - maybe that's of no help to you - it's just a thought. I t would be a way to have what you want and be able to wear it. I'm sorry - if I'm over stepping or anything. Lol - now I think I may have embarrassed myself. So I'm gonna go before I start to ramble too much out of anxiety.
I still think you're awesome Red
@mytwistedsoul Thank you for your kind words, I do think that you are awesome still as well!
This is why I just don't like labels often because, you know, superheros are awesome and superhero shirts are awesome as well. I mean, you know, that is one lesson I have taken away from the Little Prince, my favorite book to this date - that has a story to it for me - that you do not have to leave everyhing behind from your childhood just to become an adult. I mean, as the little prince points it out grown-ups are pretty strange by being all serious all the time and I think it is important to allow yourself to have these little things albeit, quite anxiety-inducing given that societal pressure to be mature and serious.
It is tough, but I think it is really awesome that you do have those shirts and wear them :)
Also, sorry for my late reply, my weekend has turned out to be rather busy plauged with an annoying headache >.<
@redmark
Hugs red x
@Avaray Thank you! *hugs back*
@redmark
💜
@redmark
its sad that society makes boys and men feel so embarassed ashamed guilty confused and thinking theres something wrong or wierd about them that they have a mental problem or are really a different gender and things need to be fixed they are very very wrong ... if they think some clothing is attractive or cute and would like to wear it theres nothing wrong with liking colors or sparkly things cute things like pugs with cute quotes why should men be so limited in what they are allowed to like our society really is very oppressive towards men and boys there needs to be a mens liberation everywhere and i think some are trying to do that i hope non binary as a social movement continues to flourish and more people get involved and it changes it needs to change
@jennysunrise8 Thank you. Also, sorry for my late reply here, my weekend has been rather busy.
I have seen that there is progress and honestly that is giving me hope as well, albeit, here in Hungary things are....well, not the best in this sense. It is a cultural thing I guess sustained by our government which, well, sucks. Either way tho, I do have this place as well to feel much, much more free to express my more feminine side and I am glad to have it.
In "real life", outside of this place, it's tough tho still but I am trying to just hold on to that hope as well, that the non-binary social movement will continue and demolish all these unnecessary labels...with some time, it is. :)
Hi friends! I have really gained help here on 7 cups.
Hey there friend! ^-^ @strawberry8815
I am really glad to hear that you have gained help here and it is really nice to get to know you here! :)
Hello everyone!
Music is just such an essential part of my life. I mean, I never really list as like a hobby to listen to music or an interest of mine since....well, it is really just essentially a part of me more than anything. I do not know if this really makes sense, but it just feels so natural for me to just have some music in my ears all the time...
I do listen to all kinds of music and have a lot of favourites for a lot of genres but there is just something to music to me that can just capture that sort of forlorn, melancholic feeling that I am yet to find in other things. I tend to at least always and up going back to those sort of songs, it just somehow resonates with me.
I mean, nowadays there is this sort of lie we tell to ourselves and one another that we should be happy, all the time and sadness is just something bad but....I do not believe in that. We have meant to be sad, feeling sad is just part of our life and, really, can just as well be an experience you can bond over with others...just like happy moments. It is just kind of weird that there is this strange peer pressure nowadays on you to be happy - or act like it anyway.
I...uhm...I suppose that is why I want to just share some songs here. I mean, yes, there are generally melancholic songs, but maybe, hopefully, it will resonate with some of you as well in a way it did for me. The whole reason is that it just always tough for me when I find an amazing song or two and just realize I do not really have anyone to share it with and, guess, what, in the last few months there has been some really good songs coming out.
Oh yep, and these are metal songs, well, technically by definition I guess even if it is not that high energy stuff.
>Pale Morning Star by Insomnium<
>Horizons by SIlent Skies<
>Firelights by Swallow the Sun<
>Departer by Katatonia<
I have wanted to write a little description to each of these but, I just want you to have your own experience with these songs going in blind. Well, I mean, if you do check them out, there is really no pressure on you but, I suppose this is just something I wanted to do for such a long time, just to share songs with others...with someone, so I have decided I will just give it a shot :)
Anywho, thank you for reading through this and maybe even listening to one or two of those songs. *hugs* (if you might need and/or want one)
@redmark
Much love for beautifully rich melancholy, poignant sadness, and purifying darkness. <3 Thank you for spreading the good word. :)
@redmark Hey Red - How are you?
I'm glad to see you sharing music here - it's hard to find people to do that with. I used to share songs on my feed - daily almost but now - Idk - I'm finding it hard to share anything lately.
I've gotten to be a pretty big fan of Katatonia - ever since you shared them with me. My favorite is still Unfurled.
Have you heard of Veio? You might like - The Revery
7 Mazes - Weakness is pretty good
Have a good week Red - Thanks for sharing the songs
I am sorry for not replying the above two replies I have got yet. I try to keep up with my threads but I need to vent first now. I promise I will get to those but I need to clear up my head a little bit here, I do not ignore anyone, I promise...
I am not exactly on the best terms with myself right now. This whole dentist stuff is....tough on me.
It is my fault. It was caused by my inaction. I mean, I was depressed, but I have basically do not really brushed my teeth - or rarerly - for like 10 years, I guess. Not only that but when first things started to actully fall apart, when my first tooth has just broken down...I have done nothing. I have a good 7 or 8 broken teeth now and I just can't get over the fact that it is my fault.
I am just so mad with myself. I don't know, I have messed this up, bad... . I like to think of myself as a "strong person", someone who has survived in spite of all odds so far - and there were some close calls here and there - and through all that trying to grow and learn. But I....there is no running away from how bad I have messed this one up - I was not strong and even now, the reason I have went to the dentist was because it has finally started to hurt so I could not run away anymore.
I kind of feel like a failure in a way, questioning something that has been an essential part of me pushing me through so many things. I am overall in a much better place now, I have other things that motivate me to keep going on, it's not that I rely on this that much now but it is still just really tough to go through all those emotions and thoughts.
...and to go through all of this alone. Part of me feels like I deserve this. To just expiate for my past mistakes. I so want to just come here after....or even before the appointments I have. I do not want to do this alone...part of me does not want to do this alone. I mean, that is the part of me that has brought me here I guess. I really do not feel like I deserve to vent here about something that is clearly my mistake, my own doing.
I honestly feel rather guilty writing this but my head is just drifting to a dark direction and I need something....to write things down, to be heard maybe. I am seeking attention sort of, I think, or whatever you would like to call this.
I do not even know how much sense all of this does even really make here. I hope it does, at least a little bit. Either way, thank you for reading this. Please do not worry about me too much. As I have said I am in a much better place now than a few years ago. This post is more to prevent me to drift back into that dark place more than anything. I am sorry for being a mess tho, still...
@redmark Hey Red - I hope you don't mind but I would kind of like to sit here with you for awhile - if it's ok. I'm kind of low on words - but you're not alone
@redmark
I'm glad you're writing here.
Whatever the cause, I feel like your present suffering matters. You can't change your past actions. I'd be feeling nervous/afraid too. 💜 I'm sorry you're hurting, both physically and emotionally. Regarding guilt or feeling like you don't deserve to vent, this came to mind for me:
"And there will likewise be those who tell the soul to retrace its steps, since it is finding no pleasure or consolation in the things of God as it did aforetime. And in this way they double the poor souls trials; for it may well be that the greatest affliction which it is feeling is that of the knowledge of its own miseries, thinking that it sees itself, more clearly than daylight, to be full of evils and sins, for God gives it that light of knowledge in that night of contemplation, as we shall presently show. And, when the soul finds someone whose opinion agrees with its own, and who says that these things must be due to its own fault, its affliction and trouble increase infinitely and are wont to become more grievous than death. And, not content with this, such confessors, thinking that these things proceed from sin, make these souls go over their lives and cause them to make many general confessions, and crucify them afresh; not understanding that this may quite well not be the time for any of such things, and that their penitents should be left in the state of purgation which God gives them, and be comforted and encouraged to desire it until God be pleased to dispose otherwise; for until that time, no matter what the souls themselves may do and their confessors may say, there is no remedy for them."
-St. John of the Cross, The Ascent of Mount Carmel, Prologue
Will be thinking about you and hope you're able to take everyone's thoughts and feelings with you. And hope you do write here if you want to.
@frigidstars27 Thank you.
I don't know why or how but your mind can really make you believe such stupid things. I mean, my mind, it is such a dark and toxic place sometimes, like right now and I have allowed it to just almost consume me before. I have felt like going down the same rabbit hole.
I do not know if this makes sense. I wanted to try to break out of that cycle of self-hatred which just keeps amplifying in my head by writing things down and just reach out to people in a way, I guess.
It means a lot to me that you - and others - have taken their time not only to read through my ramblings but also to respond. It gives me power to just fight that stupid, dark part of my mind and break down those lies.
Anywho, sorry for rambling again, thank you for your response and for those words you have shared with me. It does really mean a lot.
