My Journal
Hello everyone!
I have got a lot going on in my life lately and even more things in my head. I mean, not all of the is bad, in fact they are more good than bad, I think, I just kind of feel like I have lost footing and I just feel like I am getting more and more lost in my own head and in that chaos some thoughts, thinking patterns just seem to come up again that I tought to have left behind.
Anyhow, I suppose if I would have a space to just go on about all the things going on in my mind it would probably help to clear it up, gain back a bit of control. I mean, this seems to be a perfect place to do it so without really bothering anyone with it - although, anyone is welcome to post or reply here. I would enjoy having a discussion as well however, that is not the main point of this, I think.
Anyway....
A whole lot of my problems and anxieties are just resurfacing because one thing. It is really an internal thing of mine. I think at least. Generally I am a perfectionist, of whatever you call that but, instead of measuring myself by my own little successes and allowing myself to be proud of them I tend to just focus on the mistakes I make, the tasks I am not able to get done - or not in time.
In work, I am generally respected work my wotk-ethics and just for generally being good at what I am doing but, still, I cannot let the few mistakes I make go for some reason. Really small things. Typos even. I mean, with all honesty, I could probably be proud of all that I have achieved in just two years with promotions and praise from managers and everything but then I still keep thinking they are just complimenting me because they do not know about all those mistakes I make...
After work, I guess, in my current life, this place it my second most important thing and...well, it is complicated, I suppose. I have trouble keeping up with everything here often as well and...well, once again, I measure myself by what I have missed, people who I was not able to be there for.
I do not know why, but I harbor a lot of guilt for things like this, things I should not do so but it is somehow it is just how my mind works for me.
I have been trying to focus on the good things. Positive self-talk and a "journal" llsting all the positive things I have done that day and compliments I have got was something that have helped but, once again, I feel like with all the things going on in my life, I feel like that sort of control kind of slipped out of my hands a little bit. I will not let all that work just simply be undone tho, all the work I have put into this. Into fightinh my anxieties and depression.
I am not sure what's next, I may need to change and adapt my orld self-care routine's to my "new life" but I know I have those and I know that I have alraedy got this once and, hopefully, I will be able to get thir as well.
Hello everyone!
I am having a new schedule at work meaning that I am waking up at 5:30 AM now and...well, it is nice that I finish earlier and all but I just feel so tired, I will need to get used to this as well I think...
Anyhow, lately I feel incrasingly dysphoric. I mean, I have mentioned a lot of things here and I guess it is that fact, the fact that I am once again talking about these feelings and thoughts openly that has brought this up. I mean, it is still not bodily/physical dysphoria but much more a social one.
I just hate that when I fall in love with things but they are labeled "women's" or "female" or what you have. It's just tough, I keep up an act, like all the time. I am restricting myself from doing certain stuff, I am not allowing myself to spend time with things I do otherwise really love. I do not know how to put it.
I mean, big problem here is that I am not living alone. It's sort of a thing in my family that multiple generations live together - or at least at the same address, in the same yard - three right now with me, my father and my grandmother. I mean, technically it is my house and all but, still...
I don't know, I just do not feel like safe trying things out. I mean, the thing is, I do not know how much I would like certain things if I would try them out. I do not want to like come out as anything before I have got to at least, you know, experiment. Knowing that someone can walk in anytime tho, even if they are family members is making it kind of tough.
I do not know where I am really going with this. I do really want to wear cute clothes, at least trying it out, even if those are labeled "women's". I want to have that awesome vanilla smelling women's parfume that I have helped once to get for my grandmother. I want to have so many different things but instead I just keep pushing all these thoughts and emotions and what-not into the back of my mind and just hope they do not resurface anytime soon, because when they do....it is tough.
I mean, this probably sounds stupid, I don't know. I hope it at least makes some sense...
Heyo! *waves* ^-^
I have been thinking a lot lately and one of the things I try to get to is actually to join some discord groups with people with shared interests. I mean, not the best way of socializing, I suppose, since it will still only be on the internet but I feel much safer and much more confident on the internet. I am still struggling with it tho and I have not been able to get to it yet and that sort of lead me to a realization.
Uhm...well, so, you know me, probably, maybe not - I am an introvert, according to all the tests out there, and also can be socially anxious, like a lot. I have just watched a youtube video lately where someone was explaining this like batteries, where an introvert is charging there "social battery" or whatever you want to call that by being alone a bit.
Now, here is the thing, I do not have much of that in my life. LIke, Monday to Friday I wake up, get things together to leave from work get to the train station, get on a crowded train, get off said crowded train get onto a crowded tram and then spend 8.5 hours in an office/room with 2 other people and then repeat the travelling part to home. That's like 12.5 hours of my day. Also, if you get it into account that my job includes a lot of interaction with different departments that is fun as well.
After getting home I either left alone or not. Like, I never know, I have a degree related to computers and such so if my father has any questions that is slightly related to computers he gets to me and he has a lot of those. Point is, I never know if and when he or my grandmother will step in asking for something at the evening being at home, so not much for recharging there for me for that battery.
Then the weekends. I love 7Cups but my involvement here once again means being around people and being social. Also, there is the dentist appointments, usually the weekends, which is also a bundle of joy - and anxiety, mostly anxiety.
So yep, rambling aside here, at the time I have for myself and I would like to actually socialize for myself and try to reach out to other people are usually falling on those very much needed times I just try to recharge that social battery, hence the lack of motivation when I actually get there.
KInd of annoying honestly. I do not really know what to exactly do with this because my therapist is always telling me to just go out there, talk to people. Like, they won't bite me, maybe tell me off if I am being to annoying or something, but that's it and he is right, actually. But it is tough, it was always tough. I mean, yep, socially anxiety does not help with that either but I thing this does not help it either.
I mean, I do not know what is the point of this post, probably just venting. Although, honestly, any ideas or tips are welcome as well since I feel kind of stuck in this situation right now. No pressure tho, I was not able to figure it out yet so I do not expect anyone else to do it for me either. :)
@redmark
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. It makes sense to me that you would be hesitant to add more social stuff that might drain you further (and eat into the free time that you use to recover) when you're already feeling swamped.
I see it as sort of a math problem. If you have existing social obligations/activities that use up 100 energy points per day, you need to be able to recharge 100 energy points per day (so that you can go out again the next day and give away those 100 energy points that you recovered in your free time).
Hypothetical/general options:
1) Get rid of things that are draining your energy to create room for things that you want to give your energy to (or that might actually create energy).
2) Modify existing activities or your relationship to them in such a way that they drain less of your energy than they currently do.
3) Increase your total energy or the effectiveness of your energy recovery so that you have more energy available to give away.
It sounds like your therapist is focusing on #2 (trying to see social situations in a way that makes them less draining or stressful energy-wise). I've tended to gravitate toward #1 (reducing people/activities that aren't optimally aligned with my values/desires) and #3 (regulating my sleep, diet, exercise, and physical habits to try to increase/maintain my energy levels).
I've found both of these to be something that indirectly resolves #2. If I feel that I have the freedom to leave social situations when I want to (#1) and I find that over time I have more of the resources that I need/want to be able to handle social situations (#3)... then yeah, I'm also going to be less afraid of social situations (#2).
In a real/practical way, I have some control over things. I'm not trying to conjure up an optimism or social confidence out of thin air. I literally have more energy/resources at my disposal. So I'm not as bothered or scared about things hurting me. It's as if I were going into battle with 10,000 HP, I'm recovering 1,000 HP per second, and some enemy is trying to chip away at me with a wimpy attack that "only" hurts me for 100 HP. (Or at least that's the dream.) At that point, I really don't have anything to be anxious about. I have very good reason to feel confident in my defensive capabilities/survivability.
@frigidstars27 Thank you!
You know, you are actually on point with a lot of things there regarding me.
I try to set boundaries to allow me to have more time to recharge but day by day I allow a some people to cross it. Again and again. Like family members because....you know...family. As much as it is their fault as well, since I have clearly articulated a lot of boundaries that they choose to disregard at times it would still be my responsibility to simply say no. I am really just terrible at saying no to people tho.
Also, I am really guilty of such things like "just one more youtube video" or "one more song" before turning off my laptop at nights and with that chipping away time from my sleep which, well, is not helpful for sure.
I mean, there is definitely a lot of things I could work on here I suppose. Thank you for your reply :)
Sooo....some weirdness, as usual :P
I have forgot how amazing it is to take long walks at night in the cold with some melodeath metal music. I mean, I have just got home from like a one hour walk and let me tell you just the atmosphere of the whole thing, and the fresh cold air.
I am most likely just being weird tho, but I just have so many fond memories of doing this. I remember that on one new year's eve I have actually just went for a walk at like 11:30 PM and walked until like 1:30 AM with some Ne Obliviscaris in the cold when everything was like frozen and had that crystal-like ice-layer on it.
I also tend to like mouth the lyrics. Like not singing them but acting like that, if that makes sense. And when, for example that part from around 3:50 hits from the song >New World Shadows by Omnium Gatherum< - which is still one of the best things ever, actually - kicks in and you are out at the cold air and can just look up at the Moon. It is truly awesome.
I mean, I just wanted to share this with someone. It is one of those things that just can make me just so calm and like content and happy even at times, even if it is weird. :)
Also, there is one more thing today: stuffed bunny. Okay, let me explain...
So, you know how I absolutely adore the ears of teddy bears because...well...just look at them, they are so cute. Anyhow, rabbits have big ears, therefore a plush bunny has big ears as well and they are just as cute as teddy bear ears but even bigger and, you know, the more the merrier.
I have just run across some plush bunnies at the local supermarket - not like I always make a detour to the plushie aisle or anything - and they are so super cute but already have quite many plushes. More than I necessarily need or can just justify by simply "needing it". I mean, I already have actually one too many teddy bear but I do not have the heart to get rid of it sooo....yep, I am kind of torn here.
Also, logic aside, there is the anxiety of it as well, still. I mean, I have ordered most of my teddy bears from the internet actually...soo, you know. Anyhow, I want that bunny plushie but I do definitely know that I do not need it and I do not know what to do. >.<
...and yes, the point of ranting about it here is to either have you justify me wanting it or justify me not needing it. It's up to you, but any input is welcome :)
Oh, and *hugs* (for whoever might need and/or want one)
@redmark
can i justify both you wanting it and you not needing it ? ;) its ok for you to want the cute bunny with the long ears you should surround yourself with things you enjoy things that make you happy or bring you comfort so one of those things is just a stuffed bunny thats soft and cute there are probabally many men/boys who secretly would love to have a bunny but wont allow themselves to have it which is kinda sad that something so harmless to anyone and wanted would be so taboo (for men/boys anyways) ... its really not something thats needed (unless its emotional need maybe thats true) but thats ok a lot of things that people buy are not necessary as long as its necessary for your happiness and enjoyment and you want it and allow yourself to have it thats something you should only be proud of - it takes courage for men/boys to admit or purchase have to hide actually a great many really ordinary simple and harmless things so you did a good job and congrats
maybe youll get more maybe youll like bunnies more than bears now :)
@redmark
...reading about the ears is really making me want to buy my first plushie. :) I don't need one, but like... this could be me right now. That should be my face buried in a bunny's fluffy ears, lol.
(If anyone at the store asks, you're buying it as a gift for a child/significant other.)
I have got the plush bunny - also, while I was there I have grabbed some cute ornaments to the Christmas tree as well. yay!
@jennysunrise8 @frigidstars27
Also, interestingly, getting the bunny and just going through that fit of anxiety while doing it I have managed to kind of understand a little bit how my brain works.
Basically, I have a lot of things to work on myself. I am getting my teeth fixed and done, I need to lose a good amount of weight - which actually I have managed to shed a few pounds lately as well - and...well, after some mental gymnastics by my brain, that means I am a weird and creepy person. Don't ask, I don't know how but I literally caught myself thinking that.
So, in turn, everything out of the ordinary that I do is weird and creepy. Or, well, according to my brain. And, honestly, there are so many things out of the ordinary I would like to do.
One thing I have been putting aside for the longest time is actually starting to practice skin care. Like, I do not even know why that stuff is considered so dominantly feminine but it actually is. Like, I have not done anything for my skin ever and honestly just looking at my skin it could use some care.
So, uhm, I guess that would be the next hurdle now in my way to get over and somehow through my anxiety start. I mean, at least I know that here, in Hungary, it is considered a "female thing" to use some lotion and what-not every once in a while. Ugh....I hate labels and how everything is just gendered.
Anywho, yep, the point is, I have got the bunny, my brain thinks I am a weird creep and I want to get into skin care somehow but anxiety happens.
@redmark I'm really glad you went with your heart Red and got the bunny
[Hi Red, I have been reading your journal for a while now... I haven't commented before, but now I feel like a spy and I tought I should say something. Plus... I think it is really great that you bought that bunny. I hope this doesn't feel like an intrusion...]
@admaiorasemper *hugs* (if you are okay with it)
Don't worry, this is an open thread. Open for lurking and open for replies. It is nice to have you around here! Also, thank you, it means a lot to me that you take your time to read through all my stupid ramblings. :)
Oh-kay, this post will be a weird one. I am kind of on the fence, slightly triggered. I will put a trigger warning at the part which is the triggering one but the whole story is pretty weird.
Like ten years ago there was an MMO RPG. Some of my friends have started to play it and they have dragged me into it. As I have been already able to speak English I was sometimes wandering around on my own, joining to random people in parties what-not. I actually kind of miss those times but I do not have enough time to play an RPG now....
That aside tho, there were a lot of people I have met around there and we have played for a week or so and then we all continued with our own stuff on separate ways. One of these people was a Vietnamese guy.The special thing is that he has asked for my facebook. Like, I had no idea why, but after talking and having fun with me around in the game for like a week I was like why not. But after that shortly we have drifted away from one another in the game and never really used my facebook so, you know, lost contact.
Now, fast forward a good ten years when my phone rings in the middle of the night, 3 AM-ish but not with my usual ringtone. This guy has actually video called me like ten years later after all that we have done was playing some video game together for like a week or two. First I ignored it because, you know, it was 3 AM...
Anywho, next thing I know is that he comes to me writing to me like: Hey bro, do you remember playing together? What's up with you? Also I need money for my school... So yep....it's sort of a strong red flag. To be fair, he seemed desperate and if his story is true, that he has got a friend who helped him out but that person died and his mother is sick and his brother is sick - I feel sorry for him but I do not know him enough to really check all this and, yep, I have told him that this is not going to work.
This is where this whole story could have ended but since then, for months now every once in a while a message from him pops up telling me some detail about his sick mother and/or brother or how little he has left of school or how tough his life is. I have decided to be polite when he just says hi or asks how I am and instantly ignore him when he jumps into this whole money thing. But he does not seem to catch on to what I am meaning and even questions me sometimes why I just leave those messages read without answering.
This whole thing has actually puts quite of an amount of stress on me in general honestly, I was considering just telling him off but I am bad at saying no.
Now, for this very moment and: **trigger warning** for the next paragraph for mentions of blood and all that.
He has just sent me three images. I click on it, he clearly had some accident, his arms and legs bloody with like wounds on it but no context. I am generally hard to trigger but like, just throwing this on me without context is like what the actual f****?
So yep, trigger warning is over, later he added to the pictures that he has had a bicycle accident after I asked him is he is okay and what is going on. I am seriously considering just telling this guy to leave me alone. But then again there is that sort of guilt in me that I should not say not to people.
Anywho, I needed to vent, sorry about this weird post.
@redmark Hey Red! So wow - it all does seem pretty strange that after all that time he contacts you and then to ask for money? I think that would raise red flags for anyone.
Idk - I can't believe that he would be comfortable even mentioning something like that to anyone really. There must be a way that he can help himself with his schooling - student loans or something? It just doesn't sit with me that he would contact you after all that time asking for money.
I'm sorry this is causing stress for you. I read the stuff in here and the replies you've written to other people and to me - you have a big heart Red and you truely care for the people you come into contact with. So I'm sure this weighs pretty heavy on your heart and your mind. Because you like to help people.
Is there a way that you could just block him or something? Probably seems alittle colder perhaps then a straight out no but maybe that way it would be gentler on you? Kind of a subtle no.
Sorry - maybe you didn't want a reply - just my thoughts on it
Be gentle with yourself Red and your thoughts
Heyo! It's been a while....
I don't know if anyone will read this but I need your help - or input, I think.
I guess if you have been following this thread for a while you know me for being a non-binary person here, AMAB, who is "gay" - albeit, it's probably not gay I guess if I identify as enby, but, you know, grey area....
Here is my problem tho, I have never really faced this. I mean, I have came out as gay to only one person in my "real life", to my father, and he was like fine with it but you know I have never done any "gay things". I have never even tried to connect with the local LGBTQ+ community, I have never allowed myself to experiment with my expression of my gender. I was pretty much just asking masculine because it was easier.
So yep, I am 28 now and I just now realize that I am basically closeted and I so want to break out of this and work on it and I have started to try to reach out to people, at least online. I mean, as much as I love this place it can feel kind of lonely with all these rules strictly limiting every connection on-site. To be fair, I understand those rules and they make sense in this context, I have no problem with them but I just feel like it is not what I really need now, if it makes sense.
Anyway, my issue is that my life is super busy, especially with this whole dentist stuff taking away my Sundays as well as working and traveling from Monday to Friday I have only got Saturday left for myself if I want to open up, reach out to the LGBTQ+ community here and find friends and probably more - although, romantic relationship is not yet a goal of mine but always welcome.
I have check-ins here tho and...well, they kind of interfere with that. As I have mentioned I love this place and I love being here, interacting with you and I am having a super hard time now, even considering that I might need to take some time for myself like this.
I mean, obviously, there is the sunken coast fallacy but then there is also that sort of guilty feeling putting myself before others. Like, you know, saying that I just need time....months, maybe a year even for myself to just go out there and do stuff and....to not help you, to not try to be there for others for that time.
It just feels so bad saying it out....I really do not know what to do. I mean, if you are around still, I know that some of you know me for a while, we even "work" together on some of the teams and I do not know how to proceed. Would you be mad for me for taking that time for myself? Would you feel let down and just hurt if I would say step back a bit?
I mean, I honestly do not want to but....I...don't know...have to do something with this. I am just so, so very lonely and there are things that I could and would like to try to do. I do not know how to explain this. I mean, I just really want someone's input on this or just anything I guess because this just echoes in my head all the time and ....I just have to at least get this out here, out of my head.
Am I being selfish here?
I mean, sorry for my ramblings, as always...
@redmark
I would be very proud of you Red. You would be missed, and very much, but at the same time I think all of us would be so happy to know that you are taking care of yourself. And it would be so inspiring. It is not selfish to listen to ourselves and our needs. We should always be our first priority.
You really are a true inspiration for me...
@redmark I think it's great that you're putting yourself first
I mean - I hate to see you go but I think it's great that you want to do this for yourself
So I vote for Red Time too
Do for you Red - do what makes you happy
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul @admaiorasemper @NoneTheWiser
Hey! Thank you.
I am really torn, I am not good at this making time for myself thing to be honest and I have not really gone through with anything yet I just.....I don't know....I need to start to figure myself out and I have got no LGBTQ+ person in my life for so far, no people I felt like I could connect with and just have some representation you know.
That is a reason why I am struggling with really defining my gender I guess and my sexuality here and there is honestly muddy. Or, well, I know that I am only sexually attracted to men but generally I could imagine my life with anyone I guess, I am not that fixated on having sex in a relationship after all.
I mean, anyway, it's just something I want to - I have to figure out....but that needs time and energy put into it and I have to make some time for it one way or an other.
Thank you for your support. I will try to figure out a way to like get this started...and....yes, it is possible that I may need to step back here for at least a while. Not totally disappearing tho. I will update you either way.
Thank you for caring. 
Care to chat?
Struggling with some difficult issues.
Hey Red :)
It's Saturday - lol
Had you pop into my head. I hope you're doing ok
Miss seeing you around
No need to reply ok? Just wanted to say hey :)
@mytwistedsoul Hey....I thought I have replied to you a few days ago buuuut, well, I am sorry, I am just burried under a whole lot of work right now.
Anywho, it is really awesome to hear from you, and thank you very much for thinking of me! *hugs* (just in case, no pressure)
I guess it is a good thing that my work has ramped up a bit roght now tho, because I have something to do at these times but alse....arghh....it is just a lot.
Anyway, how have you been? How are things going for you? :)
Stay awesome!
