My Journal
Hello everyone!
I have got a lot going on in my life lately and even more things in my head. I mean, not all of the is bad, in fact they are more good than bad, I think, I just kind of feel like I have lost footing and I just feel like I am getting more and more lost in my own head and in that chaos some thoughts, thinking patterns just seem to come up again that I tought to have left behind.
Anyhow, I suppose if I would have a space to just go on about all the things going on in my mind it would probably help to clear it up, gain back a bit of control. I mean, this seems to be a perfect place to do it so without really bothering anyone with it - although, anyone is welcome to post or reply here. I would enjoy having a discussion as well however, that is not the main point of this, I think.
Anyway....
A whole lot of my problems and anxieties are just resurfacing because one thing. It is really an internal thing of mine. I think at least. Generally I am a perfectionist, of whatever you call that but, instead of measuring myself by my own little successes and allowing myself to be proud of them I tend to just focus on the mistakes I make, the tasks I am not able to get done - or not in time.
In work, I am generally respected work my wotk-ethics and just for generally being good at what I am doing but, still, I cannot let the few mistakes I make go for some reason. Really small things. Typos even. I mean, with all honesty, I could probably be proud of all that I have achieved in just two years with promotions and praise from managers and everything but then I still keep thinking they are just complimenting me because they do not know about all those mistakes I make...
After work, I guess, in my current life, this place it my second most important thing and...well, it is complicated, I suppose. I have trouble keeping up with everything here often as well and...well, once again, I measure myself by what I have missed, people who I was not able to be there for.
I do not know why, but I harbor a lot of guilt for things like this, things I should not do so but it is somehow it is just how my mind works for me.
I have been trying to focus on the good things. Positive self-talk and a "journal" llsting all the positive things I have done that day and compliments I have got was something that have helped but, once again, I feel like with all the things going on in my life, I feel like that sort of control kind of slipped out of my hands a little bit. I will not let all that work just simply be undone tho, all the work I have put into this. Into fightinh my anxieties and depression.
I am not sure what's next, I may need to change and adapt my orld self-care routine's to my "new life" but I know I have those and I know that I have alraedy got this once and, hopefully, I will be able to get thir as well.
It's a new week, a new start aaaaand...my sleep schedule is a complete mess lol
I am also almost 30 years old young, only 1 and a half more days left of my 20s, kinda crazy to think about it. Looking back at it tho I feel like I wasted the first half of it because...well, mental health was not really on pair but the last about 2 years definitely showing a lot of improvement. I mean, honestly, I am kinda back at where I was at 20ish years old but compared to where I was when I was 25 there has been a serious improvement, so I guess that is good over all.
Also...I mean, I am not really at the "mental age" of 30 to be honest. The other day I have been out to buy some groceries and got home with some groceries and a little pinguin decoration that has led lights in it and if I turn it on in a dark room if like projects stars onto my wall.
To be clear, I do not regret this purchase as well, I love my new penguin friend, but it is also probably not what a(n almost) 30 year old should do. But, who cares, I love it and it makes me feel better when I look at it so I don't care wether I should or not bought it. (But the occasional intrusive thoughts do lol)
Anyway, dropping a song and artist here as well, this time it will be Oceans of Slumber and the song, let's say >The Colors of Grace< but they have many amazing songs outside of this as well.
Also also, this shade of purple here is called "Butterfly Bush" and I just love that name :P
Anyway, *hugs* if anyone needs/wants them ❤️
@redmark I might be alittle early :) But Happy Birthday Red! ❤️
I hope you have an awesome birthday Red! May all your wishes come true!
@mytwistedsoul Thank you ❤️
You are right on time actually. I love that little elephant sooo much. I mean it is cute, the colour palette of it is just soooo soft and pretty and love the pun. ^^
Also, those two at the end just partying are totally awesome as well :P
How have you been? :)
@redmark Yay for timing! :) I wanted to find something nice - something cute - I guess because reading your previous post - I just kind of wanted to say that I don't think there's an expiration date for liking cute things and you're just starting to let you be you ❤️
That song you posted was amazing - I was pleasantly surprised and found a few other's by them that I like
I'm - sort of ok today - Thank you for asking :)
* leaving you the biggest birthday hug* if it's ok of course ❤️
@redmark Hope you don't mind. Wanted to drop off a little friend and wish you a Merry Christmas!
@redmark Happy New Year Red ❤
@mytwistedsoul
@mytwistedsoul Sorry for the double ping, I somehow managed to send an empty message at first. Getting rusty, I suppose...
Anyway, wanted to apologize, I totally thought I have replied to you last week but I have not. This week has been totally crazy. Not only work is super busy because of end of the year but also my father managed to tear his Achilles tendon and been in the hopsital with and now his leg is in a cast and I sorta have to help him out with a whole lot of stuff...
I find it really hard to find time for things for myself lately because of this, and it looks like I forgot to reply to you as well last week. I am so sorry...
Anywho, hope you have had a really great Christmas and wishing you a Happy New Year. Things will calm down for me a notch right after the year ends here so hopefully can be around more and just not forget about things like I did >.<
Anyway, you are amazing and I am really sorry! ❤️
@redmark No apologies necessary :) I figured - well tbh I didn't really figure anything. You had said you might not be around much and I know with work and life - time passes
I'm really sorry to hear about your father - I hope his leg heals good. It's nice that you're helping him out alot. I'm sorry to hear that it's taking away time for yourself though - you were just sort of finding yourself - so hopefully you get that back soon
Seriously - no worries ok? I didn't think anything like you forgot - so there's nothing to be sorry for :)
I hope this New Year brings you many good things - take care of yourself ok?
Sending some good vibes to you and yours - you're pretty amazing yourself ❤️
@redmark Hey Red :) Its been quite a while since I wrote last. Sonic just wanted to pop in and say hey. I hope your dad is doing better and things are going good for you
*sending you good vibes* ❤
Hey there @mytwistedsoul ❤️
I keep popping in here every once in a while but never really sure what to say or what to post. Yet, I still keep coming back here. I guess, I just wanted to let you know that even though I am not sure what to really say here you are still in my thoughts - even after quite some time now.
I am sorry, I just kinda struggling to find my place here...
*hugs* - if you are okay with it
@redmark Omg Red! ❤️ It's so good to see you! You pop into my thoughts alot tbh - and I often wonder how things are for you and how you're doing
Alot has changed here. I'm sorry you're struggling to find your place here. Is there anything I can do to help with that or Idk - I mean I know you were working towards life outside of cups. So I understand if you're not here much or at all. I don't want you to feel obligated to come and keep in touch with me. But if you need something here - support or anything. There's nothing for you to be sorry for Red
Idk - this isn't coming out the way I hoped 😅
*big hugs back* Take good care of yourself Red - I'm still hoping for many good things for you ❤️
@mytwistedsoul ❤️
I suppose I owe you an update at least on my life, if you are intrested anyway. Lot has changed. Lot of good things, some bad...
I am living at a new place, muuuch further away from my rather negative and somewhat toxic family which is helping a lot. With that I also started to experiment a lot more about just being myself and who that would be.
Also, other good thing, I am far enough now that I do not get a bunch of food just brought to my place all the time by my grandmother even when I have already asked multiple times not to - so I have a really good control over my diet now and losing wait pretty consistently so far.
My mental health is still a bit iffy tho. Lots of ups and downs. Also something I am struggling with is something I have realized recently. Since the bad things started to happen in my life when I was 7 I kinda just detached from my emotions back then and just sealed away part of myself and to get in contact with that part of me....well...
Still don't know what to exactly do with it but I do age regress at times of really strong emotions and bad memories so there is that. I try to do it in a safe way. But honestly, it makes sense, i was already surrounding myself with teddy bears and other such comfort stuff usually associated with kids - I just finally understand why I guess.
Well, there is a lot to figure out anyway. I am seeing a therapist/counsellor atm but that's areally new relationship so not really at the point yet where I can open up about this.
Overall tho, thngs are getting better. I am at a much safer space both physically and mentally but that also means that now I have decades of just bad, bad feelings and memories to try to work on and try to "unbreak" myself, which is tough.
Either way, that's way too much rambling already. Hope you are doing good and I would be glad to hear from you as well if you ever want to share.
Take care and *hugs* - if you are okay with it.
@redmark Hey Red :) ❤️ Congratulations on the new place! That must feel pretty awesome! Liberating and gives you a greater sense of freedom and control to be yourself and experiment with things to discover yourself further
Congratulations on the weight loss too! That is so great and I'm super proud of you for taking that control back for yourself
I'm sorry to hear about the ups and downs. It sounds like you've had years of things buried and now you're starting to dig into it - trying to make sense of things. I'm glad you try to be safe with the age regression - I know it can be hard at times. I don't see it as a bad thing. It's a coping mechanism and I know stress and strong emotions can trigger it. I know there are some people who regress because its relaxing too. And some therapists use it for therapy too. To take you back in time so you can move forward to heal. There's quite a collection of stuffies here and other toys tbh. You might like coloring too :) or Legos - and cartoons. Tbh we watched cartoons all day Sunday :)
Yay you! I'm glad you started with a therapist! It's kind of scary at first isn't it? Making that call and showing up for the first session. It's ok to take time to open up and bring things up in therapy. You have to build trust with your therapist first before you can start telling them everything that you're going through and dealing with
I'm really glad you're doing better and that you're in a safe space Red. You deserve so many good things and I know it will be hard work to get where you want to be but I know you'll get there. Just be patient with yourself and be gentle too :)
*gladly accepts hug and sends hugs back*
Uhm....I reaaally don't know how I feel about this whole age regression thing yet. It just a really strangely vulnerable state to be in. Yet, it makes sense, I also tend to surround myself with a bunch of plushes and I do also really enjoy my cartoon a lot.
There is a lot to figure out and it just feels overwhelming, I guess.
Hope you are doing well tho. I know we haven't talked in a while and also that I always just disappear even if I try to be around and so I understand if you don't really want to make your hopes up with me being here again for like now.
I suck at this being a friend- or whatever - thing so much and I am sorry for that.
@redmark You're welcome :) ❤️
It's ok to not know how you feel about it. Tbh - I struggle with my situation yet too. Does it only happen at home? I know in public it can get more complicated and scarier. Do you have awareness when it happens? If you can feel it coming sometimes doing some grounding methods can help. Sometimes having a small comfort item with can help but at the same time you need to be careful because it might make it worse. Sounds confusing I know. I'm sorry for that. You kind of need to figure out what makes you tick at this point. What triggers it and definitely work on building up that relationship with the therapist. Try to be gentle with yourself with it though because you're trying to work through things. Maybe you could set up a littles space in your new place? A fort or even just a corner some where that you can have things set up for little you? Sometimes talking and explaining things to little you can help calm things down enough to still get some adult things done and if you're out somewhere you can get home safely. Sometimes rewards can help too :)
I'm mostly doing sort of ok. Found another one inside recently so I'm trying to work through that. So we're up to 14 now. Adopted a horse and some chickens and then bought more chickens lol. Some of them lay blue eggs which is cool. I do better with the anxiety now but the depression is worse. I keep to myself alittle more. Sleep is still iffy. Nightmares are still bad some nights. There hasn't been any SH in over 6 months. I don't drink like I used to. I haven't worked on anything wood related in close to 2 years. I started something a while back - a giraffe but never finished it *shrugs* apathy. That's the condensed version I guess
Aw no Red - you don't suck at all in anyway what so ever and there's absolutely nothing to be sorry for. You need to take care of you. I mean - I can't deny - I like seeing you here but I also understand that you need to do what's right and best for you. And life happens. Time passes. It's ok
If you ever need anything - I'm only ever a tag away ok? You're doing great Red. You've made some good changes and you're discovering yourself - it's scary but it's also pretty awesome too. Brave
Stay awesome Red ❤️
Sorry this got kind of long
@mytwistedsoul ❤️ - No need to apologize for writing a long message. I like hearing from you and the more the better. ^-^
Fortunately I would say I am in control of this whole age regression thing. I mean, the thing with me is that I kinda detached myself from my emotion at a relatively young age because of some...well...bad stuff - not like very bad stuff, so I prefer not to use the word "trauma", but still stuff that affected me really bad emotionally and without anyone to really turn to or caring much to ask me about it the solution I found was to just kinda lock all emotions away.
It kinda worked. It has got me this long but even if I am successful at my work and generally at anything I enjoy and put effort into I just cannot really connect with people on a "real" level without emotions so I kinda been trying to reconnect with my emotions - issue is, the emotions are stuck where I have left them at like 8-ish years old. I mean, hope that makes sense.
Anyway, enough ranting about me.
14, that sounds pretty busy in your inner world now. Must be tough to figure out all that stuff, glad you are at least sort of okay - mostly. If there is anything I can help with you can ping me here too. While I was not around here doing my stuff I have actually ended up learning some DID/OSDD-1B system related terms and just the basics of it so I am not as lost about this sorta stuff anymore as I was in the past.
I am so proud of you, it sounds like you are also making some great progress. I mean, 6 month without SH is amazing and also drinking less. You are doing really great. Sorry to hear that you are feeling more depressed lately tho - does it maybe have to do anything with the time of the year?
I mean, either way, sounds like you are surrounded with many furry and feather-y friends around there and those blue eggs indeed sound pretty cool! So does that wooden giraffe. I mean, I know your life is busy and you have a lot on your mind but I hope you will get around to finish it some times, it sounds like a fun project ❤️
Again, I don't really feel as much at home at 7Cups anymore, I suppose but this thread with you feels pretty homey, not going to lie, even after missing out so much time here. I will not promise anything, it is best if I don't I feel like but right now just being able to talk to you like this makes me happy that I decided to check back in here.
But with all that sappiness aside. Hope you are having a nice day and stay awesome ❤️
*hugs* if you want any
@redmark ❤️ It does make alot of sense. I'm glad you have control over it. It's still scary being that vulnerable as little you. Being detached from your emotions - it's not just the bad emotions you detach from but the good ones too. And its hard to fully connect with someone when you have things tucked away and locked down tight. With no hate - there's no love. With no anger - there's no joy
I don't know what you went through Red but I'm so sorry you did go through it. I hope you get there with finding your emotions again. I'd like to think you will because you've taken some big steps all ready and I can't tell you how proud I am of you ❤️
It is pretty hectic tbh. Some are troublemakers. Some are still abusive. I'm trying to work on getting my littles to attach to me because when they attach to other people and things don't work out it destabilizes the whole system and I've got chaos. I can't go through that again. I think it's really cool that you're learned about it. It's alot to take in and understand. I get frustrated sometimes because it's so much and to get everyone to cooperate and communicate is like trying to herd squirrels - everything goes everywhere
Thank you :) the harm is the biggest struggle because in some ways it's like a constant demanding itch. The drinking I don't miss as much tbh. Alot of the depression is the time of the year. The holidays are hard and tomorrow mark the two year anniversary of losing Kodie. And Taz is a teenager now too. She's deaf and allmost completely blind so that's hitting pretty hard too
Oh gosh the chickens are awesome! They're so sweet and friendly. And so soft! The eggs are an added bonus because they're all different colors. Light brown and darker ones but the blue ones are the best :) do you remember along long time ago we talked about how I wanted to get a cow? I still remember that conversation ❤️
One day I'm hoping to finish that giraffe. I have a few other things I've drawn up that I'd like to do. It's what I know how to do - it's all I know tbh
No promises needed Red. This is your safe space and I'm very happy to be able to talk with you and visit you here but I also understand that you need to take care of you. Come in when and if you feel like it ok? No expectations ok?
*hugs accepted and hugs back to you* you stay awesome too Red ❤️ You take really good care of yourself ok?
Hi Redmark,
I can totally understand what you're going through; I have had those thoughts too. I actually just posted in this community today if you want to know more.
Anyway, I am a bit of a perfectionist too, and I also have anxieties. I think you should do the best you can no matter what the outcome is; this mentality has helped me because it not only takes off some of the pressure but, more importantly, you can walk out of any situation and honestly say you did the best you could.
I think you mentioned keeping a journal. I tried that once and it's not for me, but I am glad it works for you!
Let me know if iyou need any help or if you just want someone to listen!
-East
Hey there East! ❤️ @intuitiveEast6300
It's really nice meeting you. I have not been the best at keeping to this Journal either. I have been on and off of this platform a lot the last year or so and so this journal has also been inactive for a while.
I suppose my perfectionism is just coming from that annoying, nagging voice of anxiety in my head saying me that "something is wrong...something must be wrong. Check it again, for the nth time!" and, you know, if something ends up being wrong my anxiety is just "I told you so!".
It's kinda hard to break out of but I am making progress. I mean, overall my life needs a lot of fixin', mainly on behest of me ignoring my mental health for way too long which then affected my physical health and life in general.
I will check out your journal entry and same goes for you too, you are always welcome to post here, if you want to. Although, it's possible that I will kinda disappear again after some time but I will try to look out for this thread at least. :)
I usually offer virtual hugs and I would like to extend this offer towards you as well, but only if you are comfortable with it. Stay awesome, you have totally got this, I believe in you ❤️
@mytwistedsoul ❤️
My birthday is on the 16th. It's really sweet of you to have my birthday in your planner. Thank you. But yeah, it's just kinda blending it with Christmas. I like to call it "szülirácsony" in Hungarian which is a mix of the Hungarian words for Birthday and Christmas.
I don't like those very cliché Christmas movies either. There is one I have found like last year, and it's Klaus, on Netflix which has a pretty fresh spin on the whole Christmas story and on the origins of it. As for songs, I actually have a few that I like. There is an entire album by the metal band Majestica on Charles' Dickens Christmas Carol, which I found really fun. Also, talking of fun, Nanovar - Valhalleluja is just pure fun. Also there is Dropkick Murphys The Season's Upon Us which is a more cynical take on Christmas. I like those.
It's called St. Thomas hill actually, I believe, but one of the like "peaks" of it has the castle and the famous Basilica. My little spot is on an other peak and it's really pretty, you don't only see the lights of the buildings and all but you can see the cars' lights on the roads. I would make some pictures but my phone is pretty bad at picking up lights when i try to take pictures.
I have soooo many plushies as well. I mean, they are mostly teddy bears to be fair. There is the one sitting next to me right now and the one on my bed which I sleep with from time to time - if my mental health kinda needs it - and there is a big one which is just really soft and cute. Also I like bunnies, with the big fluffy plush ears. I would really do some sorta fort of my own as well to hide away from the world sometimes. It sounds cozy and really safe ^-^
I don't know if I ever told you, but I have "adopted" a red panda in Nepal. Well - I am paying a charity some monthly but I even have a little certificate and all and that's also how I have got my little red panda plushie sitting at the foot of my monitor. His name is Tenzing, by the way. After all, us reds should stick together :P
I just don't like this whole expectations thing that are coming with whatever I have between my legs...which is honestly super stupid. Also, I can't wait for November to be over, I don't know why I agreed woth coworkers to do this whole no-shave November thing but I hate my hairy face... It's almost over tho!
It's pretty hard to make me feel uncomfortable, so don't worry about that ❤️
I can maybe look into it, if there are any petting zoos here. I don't know about squirrels here although, one night when I was walking home I saw some little critters just zoom by with bushy tales but not really enough time to catch if they were squirrels or not. So....maybe?
Oh, I used to listen to Falling in Reverse a lot but nowadays I am a bit out of the loop with them. I will check that song out for sure now. :)
@redmark I corrected the date :) It would be hard to have your birthday so close to Christmas. Seems like it would maybe get lost in the rush of such a major one
I'll have to check out the music! I've listened to the trans-siberian Orchestra christmas songs and I've heard of the Dropkick Murphy's. Valhalleluja made me think of Miracle of Sound - Valhalla Calling. Excellent song by the way :) But I'll definitely check out the ones you mentioned. Someone else I know here had recently suggested Stain the Canvas. They're pretty good too
A castle and a basilica - that is so awesome! I love old architecture and castles are a big favorite. There's a small castle in the inner world. It's on a small hill and looks over a lake. There's pine trees everywhere. Your spot sounds peaceful and quiet. A nice place to sit and watch the world move below. Do you get to hike up there often?
Some of the material they make stuffies out of is so soft. Like ultra soft. We have one bunny I think. Maybe your bedroom is big enough for a fort? Something to tuck in a corner somewhere. Bedrooms are usually more of a private area if you get visitors. And there's some really good ideas on Pinterest for them :)
You adopted a red panda? Omg that is so awesome! They're so cute! It's cool with the certificate too - makes it all official and a stuffie to go with with it. A little reminder of who your helping :)
We're not our wrapping. Its what's in our hearts that matters. I don't think anyone should judge anyone for what they like or don't like. We should be whoever we feel most comfortable as in whatever way we see fits us. There should be no expectations. Being a guy shouldn't mean you can't like cute or pretty things. The whole month no shaving? Shaving sucks. But so does not shaving. I'm ok then it starts to itch and then you have to keep the doggone thing groomed. You can't win really
I try to be mindful of what I say - it doesn't allways work. Sometimes there's that disconnect between the brain and fingers. :/ or there's questions. I'm trying to tone that down :P
* I enjoyed that Dropkick Murphy song lol* I haven't checked out Majestica yet
*hugs to you❤️*
So...uhm....freaking out a little bit. So this will be a bit of a venting kinda post. Feel free to skip it.
As I have mentioned I am doing therapy again and it's quite a new thing, It was just the third appointment I have had with this therapist but we have kinda established the basics and one of the things we went over is my struggles with anxiety and so, logically, she has suggested that she has techniques that she could try to like teach me and work through with me to deal with it.
That's all good and all and on paper this one sounded really nice. It is some sensory based thing, where we could use and build on my existing positive triggers, kinda helping me to relax and find my safe space and we should try to do it together next time.
There is only one issue - my safe space is....basically my "little space" - of which she doesn't know about, 'cause age regression is not a thing I would have liked to talk this early on - and basically the way she described it kinda makes me feel that it she kinda wants to "walk me to" my safe space in a way and that would mean I would need to open up my little space and "let her in" kinda.
...and I don't wanna. My little space is not something I like to let anyone into unless I 110% trust them but then I also don't know how to explain this to her because honestly I do not want to talk about this, not this early on in therapy.
All I know now is that this is supposed to be an exercise to relax which we should try next Monday but all it does it seriously just stresses me out and triggers some bad anxiety in me so far...
Either way, I will have to figure something out until next Monday...
@redmark Hey Red :) sorry I just have a few questions I guess. You mentioned she has a few techniques. She has other techniques besides this safe space? Tell her you're not comfortable sharing your safe space with her so soon. She should understand. It's ok to not feel comfortable sharing something so important. Maybe you could try the other ideas she has for now? At least until you get a few more sessions in with her?
@mytwistedsoul ❤️
She has told me at the beginning after like the introduction like multiple techniques she has and the thing is this one sounded really nice and just sort of a mindfulness sorta thing on the surface but this last meeting she kinda went into more details and the way she has put it that really made it sounds like it would be kind of a way to like help me get to my safe space with her walking me through it to get there. And like....yeah, I am kinda scared of that, even if I probably shouldn't.
@redmark Its ok to be scared Red. I'm sorry that you are of course but I think in this situation it's understandable. Other than her being new to you are there other reasons you're afraid to share? You could try to start by telling her your fears and concerns with sharing and then she could talk with you about those. Maybe that would help give you some reassurance that it's safe to share this with her ❤️
@redmark Hey you :) just wanted to stop in. I hope things went ok today ❤️
@mytwistedsoul ❤️ - I survived! I mean...kinda disappeared for the last week or so but just things got a bit too much and yeah - but I would say I have made it through it and feeling better now.
Also, one of my favourite band that kinda went MIA for a bit because they couldn't come together because of the....you know virus stuff going on have just finally released a new song after like 5 years and they have a new album in the making! So that's good news ^-^
Uhm....yeah....anyway...thank you for thinking about me and all that. Hope you have been well too. I know that there is a whole thread where we were talking about stuff that kinda just got abandoned because of me freaking out but I will try to get back to you on that too. Better later than never, I suppose...
Anyway stay awesome and *hugs* - if you are okay with it that is.
@redmark Yay you! :) I'm really proud of you Red! There's nothing wrong with taking a step back. Sometimes when things get to be too much we need to fall back and focus on ourselves
I bet that was a nice surprise hearing a new song after such a long time
No worries Red. If we get back to it that's cool but its cool if we don't either. There's no pressure either way ok?
Thank you for the hugs :) sending some back ❤️
