My diary

i just found out today, that we're going to have 4 exams back to back on the 14th and 16th of december...

i am so royally screwed

i got in trouble so im never getting my phone back and i can only have my pc until 9:30pm...

im so royally screwed...

music and reading are my main coping mechanisms for cold winter nights

sh is more tempting during the winter, because i always have to wear long sleeves to keep warm

in 2 days i'll be 3 months clean

but its way too fucking tempting god dammit

it astounds me how fast time can go by... i wonder if i'll die before college

the song Class of 2013 always makes me cry... it reminds me of my shitty relationship with my parents... im tired

I failed a big science exam, but so did many of my classmates and kids from other classes as well. We're planning on getting the teacher fired, for his terrible teaching. I met up with my girlfriend on sunday, we bought oreos and walked around her neighbourhood together. I finally got to have a session with a school counselor and we're working on fixing my sleeping habits and regulating my insomnia, she's also going to talk with the school's therapist, so I can have professional help with my SH-ing

i told mel about how my dissociation and how it works with me, she said that i probably have amnesia, 'cause of the part when i forget things when that happens. so that's fun...

i unlocked a new memory from my childhood. it's not very fun, but it explains why i hate being touched anywhere on my legs, especially calfs.

TW: i used to have trouble pooping when i was a kid, so my parents would i think inject me with this thing that would make me poo. They'd hold me down on the bottom of the stairs and make me poo on a news paper on the floor.

tw: end

It's not fun... I wish I could take it out of my damned head. I admitted to practicing on how to dissociate voluntaringly to escape things. She asked how I even practice and I just said that I practice zoning out and disconnecting. Just emptying myself and slowly leaving. I honestly don't know what to do with myself anymore. Sometimes I mix up realoty and my imagination. It's so confusing, sometimes I'll imagine a whole entire day in my head and then come back and realise it's still the same day and not a new one. I don't remember much of my childhood, my counselor said that that was normal, but I think I should add to my explanaition. I'll try and talk to her next week, but for now I guess I'll just try an not think too much about it.

time sometimes passed really fast, sometimes i'll forget a whole damned day passed

im tired and i wanna sleep, but insomnia is a massive bitch rn

i need help

Confessions i guess:

One of my oldest best friends and I used to play with legos a lot at her house, and sometimes we'd make our characters go through sexual stuff. she was very knowledgable about stuff like that and told me that she once heard her own parents doing it in their bedroom.

My parents once forced me to stand outside in my pjs during winter because i spilled chocolate over myself

i tend to mix up reality and my imagination, i can't rely on my memory so much

i cant remember my childhood well

i can't remember things well

i dissociate a lot, so i forget things and end up having to make up stuff

i keep thinking up bad situations that could possibly happen to my relationship with julianne. we're 15 and we've talked about our future and i'm scared that i'll hurt her in some way or another, that we'll change and she'll stop loving me, that we'll argue on something and do things i'll regret, i fear she'll fall in love with someone elese and lose her feelings for me, im scared i'll do that to her. im scared of the distance between us and with covid and stuff it's just complicated. we barely get to see each other, only like once per month and only for a few hours. i love her so much it hurts when i miss her and think about the things we could do if covid just didn't exist, if i wasn't so damn messed up in the head, if i could actually do things on my own. i love her so much it hurts.

Man has it been a while, mid-terms ended and I almost cried during the math exam and flipped my table on the history exam. My hands were in pain after the french exam, but all's good.

I met up with julianne yesterday, we walked around my neighbourhood and i slipped on ice. she gave me 2 of her shirts which i will most definetely be wearing next time we meet.

i'm working on her christmas gift and we're thinking on meeting up on the 23rd since we both dont have school that day. My school is the only one in frigging montreal that has online classes, the rest of the schools stopped on the 17th.

Im making candied oranges and grapefruit as part of her gift and my gang's gift. I hope they like them, the first batch got burnt and I was dissapointed, so hopefully this one turns out okay.

My mental health is fine i guess, i mean i'm still well.. you know.. but at least I haven't relapsed! 4 Months Clean Baby! ^^ I told Julianne about my past with sh and she was understanding, she wanted me to message her if ever I felt like doing it again. I message "I love you" to her every time my head starts messing with me and I start feeling bad again, which is unfortunately every night, but at leat she knows I love her if I do end up well.. d e a d by morning. Anyways that was a quick update on my wellbeing. Hope whoever reads this, if someone actually does, has a great day/night!