My diary

October 06 8:33pm

Hey, it's my first entry. I once started a diary, but my parents read it so. I burned it away. I write a lot of letter to people and make them look like old ones with wax stamps, but i always end up burning them and keeping the melted wax in a box. Like a reminder? I'm not too sure. I'm scared for tommorow... I have to see 'Him' at school tommorrow. He touched me somewhere, where he's supposed to keep his hands to himself. I can't keep up the facade of the strong indipendent protector anymore at school. I fear I'll break and lose it. I fear a lot of things, yet they aren't what i guess.. 'normal' people fear. Most would fear death... i don't... i'd welcome it and give it a nice cup of tea if it were to show up at my front door. We would disscuss things and we would become friends. I'll tell death that I'm scared of dying alone and we'll see where that goes. Sorry I sound like and edgy shit... Take care and Stay safe who ever reads this... Goodbyes

October 07 5:34pm

Sooo... Today was terrible. I got the worst note in a vocab test, in english. It was a 17/20. I barely stood in science. I couldn't focus at all in any of my classes. The only good one was french, second period. The teacher let me read in class after the exam and didn't bother me. Gym class was the worst. We were playing 'ballon but' and I felt so useless. First of all, I can't throw a ball. Second of all, I was low on energy. Third of all, what the heck even is 'ballon but'??? Last of the gang, I was just depressed the whole day. 'He', the guy I mentioned yesterday, was playing like nothing happened. 'He' sat close to my friend L and I. First he was wary that I was there and stayed, figuratively 10 meters away, then he sat next to me. I blocked him from being in any sort of contact with L. I prayed for someone to catch a ball so he can go back playing. (I was on the bench the whole game, counting the points for each team) L sat with me, 'cause she was out of it today too. I was drained during the whole day, There was a time, in lunch, where i laughed histerically in front of my friends, then after a minute of laughing, I started to wimper as if I was about to cry. I almost cried in front of her, if she didn't slap my arm and asked if I was sane. Dude, I felt like I was high on drugs. I felt happy, then depressed and then low t'ill I was 6 feet into the ground. Arg I'm so tired, but I have to go to my piano classes. I'm so drained and tired and exhausted and other stuff I can't mention here... Lately I've been wanting to try new things.. I keep wondering what it acctualy feels like to be on acid, drink alchohol, use glass to SH, maybe jumping, swimming in the middle of the ocean and other things. I am in my teenage years, I guess it's normal? I don't know. One of my oldest ex-bestfriend, tried pot, weed, marihuana and other acids and she said it made her more relaxed and calm and feel like nothing could bother her. I want to try, but I doubt I can... Oh well. I read in a book, called 'Girl in Pieces' one of the characters said that even if I try sex that I don't even enjoy or just want to numd stuff or if I try drugs... it's still SH. Even if I'm not hurting myself with burning, pocking, cutting and other stuff and replace them with sex and drugs. I'm still hurting myself. I believe that character. I am aware of them. SH may feel good at first, but the consequences are as great as they seem. Oh well, I'm just stay like this t'ill someone sends me to a psych asylum or something. Take care and Stay safe. Goodbyes...

2019/10/08 8:31am

I don't think I can come to 7 cups for a while... I'm going to be banned from my electrinocs phone and pc... God I doubt I'll be sane for the rest of this month. I'll probably get worse and worse... I'm sorry..

2019/10/08 5:00pm

I'm so tired right now... mentally and emotionally tired... I want to stop feeling like this. Damn me. I haven't even talked to my parents today properly ar even looked at them. I know what's upon me... I know I'll get yelled at again.. I'll be told to not give my mom a hard time. To not abuse the fact that my dad's in Sweden. To sleep earlier. If I want to end up like Gaby. To stop the stuff I'm doing and do what I'm told. I'm going to me forced to have more chains around me and act as a puppet for my parents. I'm already a god damned puppet. I'm so tired of being a doll and being controled to be the perfect daughter. I want to move away as fast and far as I can, but I'm only 14. I can only move out when I'm 16. I want to get a job so I won't have to depend on my parents anymore. I want to cut ties with them, but I can't... I depend on them to house me and feed me. I have to endure the verbal and mental abuse every damn day. Please let me get a part time job. In the summer I'm hoping that my parents will let me get a full time summer job. I'm focused on moving out at the age of 16. I hate being here all the time. I have to go through the yelling, blaming, accusing and sometimes neglect. I can't deal with this for so long. At some point I'll break and I'll do something stupid... I need something to numb myself for a bit. I hate feeling this heart ache and pain... I need something or someone to make me feel good... Gosh... I'm still here and I'm getting even worse... I guess it's just you and I dairy... Goodbyes...

2019/10/08 7:13pm (trigger warning)

Helllllllllllooooo again dear diary. I have a name for yooooooooo. I'm going to name you Lavender. Like my favorite sent and plant. I feeeeeeeeeel like extra poop. My brother was yelled at by my mother and I didn't do anything, 'cause the yelling was triggering. I hate myself even more today. I told my friend, Mel, about my situation at home and she says to stay strong for her. I said that I am trying to and I promise I'll move out when I'm 16 years old. We decided to get a full time summer job together. She want's to support her family and I want to move out. Really different reasons eh? We're like best friends. Closest friends. We decided that if we end up sinking too low, we'll go Poof together. We are way too similar that it scares me. I wonder if she's as low as I am. Guess I'll never find out. I wish she isn't though. Oh my mom forgot about taking my computer away. I'm going to be here for a while. I'm going to be sane for a longer while than I expected. I'm pretty hecking happy, yet so sad and angry and disgusted for various reasons. Sooo I think my adrenaline levels got higher? Like I'm so on edge right now and like I can't stop shaking and typing. I keep on typing 'cause it feels nice. You might be thinking that I'm on acid right now or something. I was really wondering if I should go on acid. I would be SH but nobody would really see it won't they? I mean they could smell it from me, but if I take a bath right after with some lavender body wash then nobody would know. Right? Gosh, I just realized I'm so low right now. Dude Mel and I were contemplating Poofing today. We even started planning how we would do it. Gosh we're crazy. We talked about it in the school's cafteria and other people were sitting beside us. Oh well. I gotta go and enjoy using my computer to teh fullest before my mom forces me to turn it in in about 30 minutes. See ya.. Goodbyes ^^

2019/10/08 8:20pm

I have 10 minutes before I have to turn in my pc. I have so many things I want to write right now. I'm listening to, 'i love you' by Billie Eillish again. I just can't stop crying and missing the ones I lost and loved. Gosh... I hate myself so much. I hate that I always do stupid stuff to myself. I hate that I still love 'Her' even if she destroyed me so much. I hate that i didn't help 'Him' when he needed it. I hate that I have so much things in my head and when I empty it for a bit. It fills up all over again. I hate that I have been crying a lot lately. I always say to people that it's okay to cry and you shouldn't be ashamned to do so, but god damn it. I hate myself so much when I cry or when I feel this heart ache. I just don't want to feel anything anymore. I don't want to be HERE anymore. I want to do so many things and they are all bad. I need something or someone to hold me during the cold and dark nights. I want someone to tell me they love me. Not the lies my parents spit out or the 'I love you's from my friends. I want someone who loves me. I want someone to care for me like I care for others. I can't deal with this alone. I can't go through so many things alone. I keep telling myself that I will get a lover one day, but now it just seems like I will be alone in this sh*t hole forever. I keep telling my friends that I like being single and it makes for one thing to not worry about, but I really do want someone. Even when I'm with my friends I just want some hugs and fore head kisses. I want to be cared for. I want to get the love and care I missed during my early childhood and now. I'm so damn distant from my family that they hardly seem like family. I really want love. i want to know how love feels like. How people say it's beautiful. How it's a work of art anf progress. i want to experience it. I want to BE loved and TO love, but it seems impossible. I don't know how one can love someone like me. How one can deal with ME. How my friends even stay with Me. I feel so ugly and hideous and like a monster. I feel so unknown and nothing at all. I feel like just a walking and talking piece of flesh. I have to go now... I'm going to cry again. Goodbyes..

2019/10/10 5:34pm

I'm so sorry Lavender for not writing to you yesterday. I was busy with school work and I was talking with a listener. She was here before. She's a really awesome person and she understands. She's helping me and Mel. Really awesome person I must say. Anyways, I haven't been the best. Latelly it's getting harder to breathe and do things. They seem to be taking a lot of my energy. Today we had to run 3 rounds inside the forest of the school. I tripped over a... err.. how do we say 'tronc d'arbre' in english? Sheesh, I knew I was stupid, but I didn't think i was this stupid. Oh well. So yeah I tripped and people asked if I was okay... I just picked myself up, I didn't bother cleaning the dirt off my knees and hands and kept running. I said it didn't hurt and I had worse. In reality, my pride was hurt, but it's true I did have worse. I wanted to jump over that tree, gracefully and land gracefully like usual, but my leg was like, 'Nah I'm too lazy to lift myself high enough.' and I fell. The 2 other times though, I was as gaceful as a horse jumping over an obstacle. Also, I didn't make a lunch today and I told myself that I'll just buy lunch. I left my walet at home and I was starving through the whole day. Good thing I didn't have an exam, or else I would have failed it. I once did that and I got a 58%. I don't want to ever get that again. Nver again. I wrote a letter of forgiveness in a forum post to Oc. I kind of hope she sees it, but at the same time I don't. I told her about 7 cups and she said she made an account, but i'm not too sure if she's lying or not. She does lie a lot. Once I bought her a bus ticket and she said she'll pay me back... it's been 3 months since then. Oh well... It's fine I guess... I'm used to it anyways. Oh the creep in class was bothering me in french class to ask for a girl's name to give her back her pencil and I was so fricking annoyed. I really hate the guy. He did a live video on instagram and he basically embarassed himself and the girl he sang a poem to. Gosh, I feel bad for the girl. She told him to stop with his none sense and he didn't. Guys like him really piss me off. Like, Just Get The God Damn Hint!!! He once touched my butt before and I was disgusted with myself. I was told to not blame myself for it, but I do. I hate myself for it. I hate physical contact except when it's with people I trust. I made a new friend a few days ago, her name's Rainee and I always like her hugs and giving her hugs. They feel nice and warm. I barely do or get hugs but I like them...except the one's from my parents... they remind me of..stuff... Mel always talks great about her mom... I always get jealous when she does. Why can't my mom listen and understand me? Why can't she at least try and understand that there are things i don't want her to know. Why can't she just let me do my own thing, instead of having her nose in my buisness. Why does she always have to yell at me and take away my phone when she's mad at me. I sound really selfish right now... I'm sorry.. at least I have a mom right? Goodbyes...

2019/10/10 8:22pm

I have 10 minutes, t'ill I meet the dark and coldness of my room... t'ill i'm leaft alone with my mind and heart... i'm loosing people one by one Lavender... I don't know what to do... I don't feel okay anymore. I though things will get better and nobody would leave me again, but Lili is leaving me, Tortoise is leaving me, Rainee is slipping away and I think Mel too is going to leave me for other people. It's all like a cycle. I gain and loose and recieve and loose and over and over and over again. Lavender... I'm going to go Poof alone... Nobody is here with me anymore. So many listeners I trusted left me... I'm pretty sure jenni will too. Everyone leaves me at some point or another. People try to get in and help me, but I push them away all the time. I'm always facing the darkness and colourfulness and blankness alone. There's never a time I'm actually with someone side by side. I'm always in the front, taking the pain and giving them the love and they leave. Everyone is leaving... everyone will. I'm always hurting someone, it's either mysefl or others. Mentally, physically or emotionally... it's always one or two or all of those. I hate myself so much... I'm always hurting... I'm always alone... when I think someone understands and will help... goodbyes...

2019/10/11 9:16pm

Oh Lavender... I spoke too much again.. I told some people in 7 cups about 'home' Awwww and now I've blown my cover again... I said i couldn't say the same for myself and someone refered me... Oh Lavender... Oh diary... I really don't want to take any acids or hurt myself in any way... but them tmeptations are every where. I went to Lili's house and her pill cabinet in the washroom was packed... It took me so much self-control to not grab them and put them in my bag. I saw some stuff and I wanted to gobble them down... Oh Lavender... i wish I can get someone to help me... I wish someone were here to give me hugs and kisses and tell me goodnights and goodmornings... Oh I feel so alone Lavender... I feel like I'll be alone my whole life... People are coming and going, in and out of my life.. Oh Lavender please... never leave me... I really have nobody else to go to in real life. Oh lavender... I'm so alone in this lake... I'm sinking and sinking deeper and deeper... I can't get their voices and faces and words and hands out of my head. I can still feel her nails clutching at my chin, digging in my jaw.. blood was seeping out... Oh diary... I can still feel the joy I felt when he kept his promise to get me a snack one day... I can still feel the pain when I heard 3 people already tried to go Poof... I feel so full yet so empty. I'm half empty.. there's nothing anyone or I can do... I'll be like this forever i think... Oh Lavender... I don't want to leave you..You're the only thing that's really keeping me here... I'll get refered over and over and over again... and my posts will be deleted because they are too sad and too hurtful... Oh my thoughts and words hurt people including me... I'm going to 'sleep' in the dark and cold of my big bed in my tiny room... I will leek out the diamonds form my eyes for 'her' to collect... Goodbyes...

2019/10/12 6:34pm

Lavender... I'm sitting on a stool.. painting with oil paints.. the portrait of my friend's favorite k-pop Idol... I hate that I'm doing this.. I feel like I have to paint something with oil paints for my gang.. a small painting for each of my girls... I feel like I'll have to do that before the worst happens... I feel like this year... can.. maybe.. possibly.. be the one where I go Poof... I feel like the guilt, the loneliness, the sleep less nights, the yelling, the words, the feelings, the gain and the loss... they're all coming down on me... it's so hard to supress all of them... I'm freezing in my room... I feel like my fingers are turning to ice... Oh Lavender.. it's so hard to go through this and supress these feelings and stuff.. I need to numb it all somehow... I didn't sh for about a week I think... I don't want to break my streak..Oh Lavender.. I'm getting worse and worse by day... Sometimes the days aren't bad, but soon after I'll have to pay for them... some way or another... Lavender I fear I won't make it t'ill the end of this year... It hurts so much... Goodbyes... I'm not going to go Poof tonight... not tonight...