My diary

im in a constant battle with myself to not fucking cut myself again and it just keeps getting harder and even more fucking difficult.

i hate it here

TW: cursing. mention of sh

the amount of self loathing i have for myself if fucking incredible.

yet every morning after drinking straight up espresso, i feel like i can fight god and that im superior to everyone

but the end of the day though, it feels like im at the lowest of the lows and am worth nothing more than shit

i hate myself yet love myself so damn much

this is too confusing and i feel like i might relapse tonight.

i've been 16 days clean thoughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

fuuuuuuccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkk

i hate it here

TW: litterally screaming to myself through here, cursing, mentions of sh, grooming

i need to stop depending on my best friend and girlfriend with my issues, i need to take this shit with my own two hands and deal with it. i cant be a bigger burden to them by worrying them with my problems. i need to get better so i stop being burfen, i need to get better, i need to get better, i need to get better, i need to get better, i need to get better

I NEED TO GET FUCKING BETTTERRRRR FUUUUCCKKKK

I NEED TO BE BETTER

I NEED TO ACT BETTER

I NEED TO LOOK BETTER

I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF BETTER

I NEED TO STOP SELF HARMING

I NEED TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER ISA

YOUR SHIT ISNT GOING TO FIX ITSELF

GET FUCKING BETTERRRR AND STOP BEING A DAMNED BURDEN ALL THE DAMNED TIME

STOP WALLOWING UP IN YOUR SHITTY SELF PITY AND GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER

STOP BEING A BURDEN

JUST STOP

FUCK

YOURE ALWAYS PISSING ME OFF WITH YOUR SHITTY SELF

STOP LYING

STOP CUTTING

STOP SEEKING ATTENTION

STOP LETTING YOURSELF GET GROOMED

STOP SEARCHING FOR TOXIC MALE VALIDATION

STOP BEING SUCH A WUSS

STOP BEING SO DAMNED LAZY

STOP

JUST FUCKING STOPPPPP

i hate myself so damn much

i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate itttt

i relapsed again

im so tired

TW: mentions of sh

my counselor messaged me back and she's going to refer me to the school's psychologist. she told me to write my thoughts here and made me write and sign a contract of me promising to not relapse.

i wanna feel the stinging sensation of the blade going across my skin again and again and again and again

i wanna do it again

nobody ended up calling me down to talk to one of the other counselors at school. she probably forgot about me. at least i didn't relapse last night

im so tired and i hate it here

im good at internalizing my feelings and not explode on the spot

the song Again by Gumi is literally my mentality

https://youtu.be/jdQWia3fwMU

I used to wonder why I was so attached to the song before I read some explanations in the comments (i dont usually read the comments for songs)

I think I may have BPD???? I dont know, I'm going to ask my counsilor if I can have a diagnosis from the psychologist at out school. She said she refered me to a social worker there before I think. I just gotta wait for when they call me at school to have a meeting.

I searched up the traits one may have if they have a personality disorder and they alinged pretty well with me. I dont want to self-diagnose myself though, because I may be wrong. I'll talk with them later, when I get to.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES MY BROTHER HAVE THAT I DONT????

WHY DOES HE GET TO AACT LIKE SUCH A SPOILED ASS BRAT WHEN I HAVE TO WALK ON EGGSHELLS AROUND YOU???

WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HOW I ACT AND LOOK WHEN HE CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS AND ACT LIKE SUCH A PIG????

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

HOW IS HE DIFFERENT FROM MEEEE???

IM YOUR KID TOO

IM YOUR KID TOO

SO WHY CANT I BE LOVED LIKE HOW YOU LOVE HIM TOO

WHY CANT YOU SEE ME WITHOUT ME HAVING TO TELL YOU TO

WHY DO I HAVE TO AVOID YOU WHEN YOURE MAD

WHY DO I HAVE TO ACT LIKE YOUR PERFECT DAUGHTER WHEN WE ALL FUCKING KNOW IM NOT

WHY DO I HAVE TO PLEASE YOU

WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY

WHY IS HE THE FUCKING FAVOURITE????

WHYYYYYYYYYYYY

IM YOUR FUCKING KID TOO

SO FUCKING WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

why cant you love me like you love him?

i promise i'll fix myself so you can love me too

just please tell me what makes us different?

i promise i'll be a good child again

im sorry im a bad daughter...