My diary

i hate the laundry detergent my mom got

it smells like 'her' and it makes me miss her

but i dont want to miss her

i dont want to feel anything about her

so why can't i get her out of my head and out of my life?

i just want to forget

why can't i just forget?

i talked with julianne for 5 hours last night and i miss her so much..

i can't help but remember some memories from my past.. everything with my ex-bestfriend, my ex-boyfriend, my parents and just past experiences. the not good ones.. the really really bad ones..

i already have julianne and mel, but i can't help but keep remembering and holding on. i wish i could have just forgotten forever and never remember and relive these shitty memories in my damned head

i want to move on and forget. i just want to live without these memories weighing me down

Im so tired of trying

i relapsed again

nothings getting better

dad admitted to wanting to give up parenting and just abandon us so he would only need to take care of mom and himself

i hate him, but at the same time i want him to love me more

i hate myself so much, i just want to be loved by you

why is it so hard?

i prmise i’ll be better, just please dont give up on me

please...

i made a survey for my french class project about sexual assault towards the lgbtq+ community

i dont know if im allowed to post it, but imma post it here anyways, just in case, because not many people really see my diary anyways. soooo

but if you come across my diary for some odd reason, congrats and please do answer the survey

here's the link: https://forms.gle/sjSGhjyECqusMcfk8

its a google form and you dont have to sign into your google account for it too

you have a choice to anser it anonymously or not, but i will need your pronouns so i know how to adress you during the presentation

oh welp, thanks for participating if you are and/or sharing too ^^

i remember having this really nice girl in my secondary 1 class. Her name was Coralie, she didn't do much to be really noticeable by the class, but she was really nice. Once in ethics when i came in after getting my braces done, she was the first to notice and complimented me on them. She was a really tall person and i think 15?? I was 12 at that time, but yeah she was great, our theater teacher really liked her too i think. she always had the old red uniform instead of the usual black and gray ones that we currently have, she also had really coily hair and usually put it back with a head band or an elastic. She also wore these really white shoes that somehow stayed clean the entire year, well.. until she left. She's not in our school anymore, but yeah. I didn't talk much with her, but she was nice and tall and pretty.

my dad's bringing us to a museum tomorrow, but i dont know..

im still mad at him, but i know he's trying to be better for us..

we ended up not going to the museum and instead went clothes shopping. i bought a pair of joggers, shorts, a t-shirt and a long sleeved shirt. The T-shirt was oversized of course, to cover my scars, but yeah. oceanne messaged me today too, said she wanted to check up on me, i dont know how to feel about that honestly.

last night was terrible

i had flashbacks and some memories resurfaced

im so tired

i'm 1 day clean from SH

is it wrong of me to want my best friend to have yelled at me and dropped me when i told her i relapsed? they just said "I knew it was coming" when i told them and moved on to another subject..

i want them to yell at me and scream at me and tell me that they're dissapointed in me

not move on.. uurrggghh this is pissing me off, they didn't react at all and just expected it

im so tired of this damned 1ife i wanna just uurgghh i hate it here