My diary

so uuhhh.. i remembered one of my memories agaaaaaiiinnnn

TW: MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM

so it was when i was with husan (my ex-boyrfriend) i remeber that we were talking and stuff and i think in the middle of the night while i was just scrolling through my insta, he messaged me pictures of his sh cuts and the first thing i thought was "that looks like strawberry syrup" 'cause my blood didn't look like that, anyways i told him on how to take care of his cuts anyways and yeah..

i remember daydreaming that my parents tucked me in bed and sang me lullabies and read me stories until i fell asleep, like my ex-bestfriend's parents did for her and how they showed on TV..

turns out the closest thing i've ever had to anything like that way a goodnight kiss on the forehead in the living room when i didn't dissapoint my parents with my inability to do my studies correctly and give them good grades. when they didn't ignore me on the kitchen table at 10pm while they watched TV in the living room...

i hate my dad so much but i still remember that one night where he showed my brother and I little pink panther movies on his phone before we slept... i hate myself so much

my dad didn't mind it when i borrowed his sweater for the day, maybe im over reacting my hatred for him. He and my mom bought be french fries too.. im confused

TW: SELF-HARM

i cut myself a lot yesterday night and i'll probably do it again tonight too on my other arm, it felt really good even if it hurts to move my arms too much. im fine, i'll be okay. i'm going to buy more sharpeners tomorrow at the store, mine are dulling. the cuts kinda look pretty actually. i dont know why, i just like how they look and feel.

TW SELF HARM

the cut was really big... the blood leaked a lot, yet i felt no pain

the dripping of the blood falling was satisfying to feel on my skin

it's going to scar for a very long time, but i dont mind i think

its nothing i haven't dealt with before. my shower is going to sting a lot tomorrow, but it'll be fine

i'll be fine

im fine

it's been a while hasn't it?

i attempted yesterday night and it didn't work

i got my science grade earlier and it was a 39%...

julianne and i dont talk anymore, i think i've fallen out of love

i got my first tattoo today, i did it myself, it's a little knife on my ankle

im so tired

the counsellor i was seeing kept moving our appointment and i'm possibly not getting a therapist until next month in may

im supposed to have a math exam tomorrow, but i dont understand anything

i lost all motivation to do anything

i woke up late earlier and my mom got mad

tuesday was a such a bad day, i hated it

i hate myself so much

im so tired of everything

im 6 days clean from self-harm though

i have no more motivation to continue though

im sorry...

i promise i was trying,

i was trying to cope and be happy, but...

im just tired

goodbye

it didn't work

i hate it here

i love my girlfriend, she's amazing and i miss her so fucking much

TW: SELF-HARM

we talked together today and we said we'd meet up next saturday! I'm so excited to see her again! ^^ I knew cutting myself would bring something good today. It's been tough while i was 4 days clean, but i relapsed, but that's fine, because i get to see her again soon! I'm so happy ^^

I'm venting because i have nowhere else to do it.

TW: MENTIONS OF GROOMING, SELF-HARM AND SUICIDE

It's about my old relationship with my ex, Husan Singh

I have come to the realization i was basically groomed by my ex, who was clearly not in my legal age range. He made me feel safe and listened to and cared for when i thought nobody else was with me. I honestly thought i was special, turned out that wasn't the case. Billie Eilish released a new song called Your Power and it's hitting too close to home at the moment. He ended up hurting me mentally and making me become his trauma dumpster. He trauma dumped on me all the time and always put his needs over mine even when i wasn't okay at all. I sexted him whenever he wanted because i knew it made him feel better, even when i hated myself for feeling like some sort of online whore. I was only fucking 14 while he was 17-18. I told him almost everything about myself, I gave him both of my names, the country and province and city i lived in because, like an idiot, i trusted the asshole. Somedays he would be really nice to me and let me talk to him about what made me feel bad or rant about the hobbies i liked. When we ended our 'relationship' we got into a big argument because i found out he was actually dating another girl on the side, in the end i convinced him to just ditch me so he could be with her. She ended up dying a few weeks later. Me being the stupid idiot i am, comforted him when he messaged me about her, it took a bit of convincing from him, but in the end i agreed to be there for him. In the end he killed himself and traumatized me with pictures of his cuts, his sister even messaged me a few days later to confirm his death. I hate myself for still going to him even when i clearly knew he was not good and being a fucking predator. I hate myself for letting him hurt me like that, because i knew, i knew he wasn't good, i knew he was using me and that he was manipulating my choices, but i still followed with what he wanted. But I hate him even more, for abusing the power he had of us, for even while knowing i was already traumatized by past events and knowing i was in a vulnerable spot, he still used us for his own personal gain.

been a while, julianne and i arent talking an i refused summer therapy. i gave up trying to find a summer job. im tired and done with life. im done. im doing what i want and wasting and spending all i want until i have nothing else left to give.